this is where it ends.

Every story has a beginning but it also has an end.

This blog has documented intermittently the last 8 years of my life. These are stories and experiences I'l never forget. But I've grown and changed and ultimately, moved on. I now have stories that don't seem to fit here anymore.

If you want to continue to keep up with me, you can go find me here. Annush is no longer in the sky with diamonds, but in the causeway. In love. And finally, at peace.

It's been real.

xoxo

annush

"Stay hungry. Stay foolish."

STEVE JOBS- 1955-2011

RIP

Own your own journey.

Among all the things that happened to me this summer, one of the most important ones was that I met someone who has become invaluable to me.

I have asked him to leave me. He hasn’t.

I have shown vulnerability. He’s dealt with it.

…and now he is watching me unravel into a big old mess of indecisiveness and still, he is not judging me…though maybe he should be.

These days being me is not easy. For the first time in a while I feel like I lack purpose or direction. Like life is living me. I don’t even know what to do about this tiny little bit of amazing in what seems to be a gigantic pool of nothing. Yet, he is showing patience… and without lecturing or even pushing, maybe even unknowingly, he is telling me to own my journey.

This would be way easier if I recognized the path.

But I trust the signs and most importantly, I trust him. And if nothing else, at least I know that he is here to join me in samsara.

So I write this post as an exercise in creativity. Because if I can’t find the words to describe where I am, I sure as hell am never going to get where I am going.

Status report.

A long time ago I read a blog post that addressed the issue of the "Facebook relationship status". At the time, I remember thinking that relationships are hard enough without the added stress of having to define the point when it was okay to share with everyone you know what your situation was. I have always believed that certain things should be kept private, and I thought this was probably one of them so at least for me, this was a non issue.

This past weekend I changed my relationship status for the first time ever.

I changed my relationship status without having "the talk", without having been pressured into it, and without really caring about what this would mean in the big scheme of things. I pretty much acted on a feeling. A feeling that seemed perfectly reasonable to share with friends on the internet because it is one I have been expressing in real life for some time now. A feeling that makes me happy.

It never crossed my mind that there would be politics involved with this process or that real life perceptions would take a back seat to a selection from a drop down menu. What's more, I never thought that by acknowledging the obvious in an open forum I would be giving people license to comment on or criticize my situation.

Maybe I am sensitive about the way things have played out because I have never played this game and as such I wasn't prepared for some reactions that have done nothing more than make me seek out a validation I don't think I need. Still, it does not seem reasonable to me that in a world where there are children dying, nuclear reactors exploding, humans being trafficked, and space shuttles being launched, that whether or not I type a name on a box or whether or not he changes his status is an action item to be discussed.

More often than not, I don't care about people what think. To a certain extent, I am pretty egomaniacal and uber-protective when it comes to certain things. Still, this irks me. It irks me because real life should trump the internet. It irks me because even though there is a comment link, that doesn't mean it should be used.

Certain things are not up for discussion- especially not in a public forum and definitely not by people who don't share in your day to day.

If nothing else, I've learned a thing or two about friends and family and that sometimes, even the most obvious, when it's spelled out in black and white is simply TMI.

Going back to where you started...

...is not the same as never leaving.

The fact is that this week I've been back in NYC, that saying keeps resonating in my head. I am not entirely sure of where I heard it the first time, but I find it to be very wise. Some people think of certain decisions/ choices as absolutes or repetitions but in reality, each decision/ choice is different because YOU are different. Every experience changes us.

I left New York about 4 years ago and hadn't been back in almost 2.

I was tired. The concrete jungle where dreams are made of, made my dreams come true but it wore me out. Towards the end, I felt detached from it. But I am not the same as I was back then and neither is the city.

So I am in love again.

When I tell the story of how I ended up in Brickell, people often laugh at me because I chose it due to the fact that it was like a mini Manhattan in the middle of the obnoxiousness and tackiness I find Miami to be. Like an oasis. I also think that in some strange way, Brickell chose me. I moved in at a time when that squared mile didn't really have a personality as it was merely a concept being executed so I became part of its story.

But as I sit here in a Starbucks 1000 miles away from "my" Starbucks, in a space that just 4 years ago was occupied by the now defunct Blockbuster, I think that maybe this is where I should be right now. That perhaps being the Jersey girl who moved to the city is more in line with who I am, than being the city girl who moved to Miami.

Even in writing it seems like a step back!

(no offense to Miami)

In any case, should the roads lead me back here I know that I'll have to rediscover the city and rediscover myself in it because again, going back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.

Happy Mother's Day :)

I don't need a special day to tell you this but I love you mom!!!

#MotivationMonday : Friends

When I was a little girl I was fearless.

From the day I was born, I was told that I was amazing and that I could do anything. I believed this wholeheartedly. I believe it to this day. Still, these days the stakes of being fearless are much higher and as I have gotten older I have learned to take a moment and think about what it is that I am trying to do. Some may call it hesitation, I call it a moment alone.

In any case, the world has been really kind to me and I've been able to do some pretty amazing things but there have been times when I've found myself having that "moment alone" and finding that this moment has maybe stretched too long or that I had lost that "Oomph" that I like to believe makes me special.

And this is when I've been able to discover my true friends.

My friends have pushed me. They've reminded me of who I am when I have felt like I didn't know myself and have been my partners in crime when the task I was undertaking seemed so daunting. Surprisingly, it is my friends who have helped me conquer my insecurities and reminded me that in my fearlessness rests my strength.

I am lucky. Very lucky.

My motivation is rooted in the fact that no matter how far away from myself I stray, that I will have some amazing people reminding me who I am and will be sure to point out where I lost my way.

They straighten me out.

And if someone believing in you isn't enough motivation, then I don't know what is.