Own your own journey.

Among all the things that happened to me this summer, one of the most important ones was that I met someone who has become invaluable to me.

I have asked him to leave me. He hasn’t.

I have shown vulnerability. He’s dealt with it.

…and now he is watching me unravel into a big old mess of indecisiveness and still, he is not judging me…though maybe he should be.

These days being me is not easy. For the first time in a while I feel like I lack purpose or direction. Like life is living me. I don’t even know what to do about this tiny little bit of amazing in what seems to be a gigantic pool of nothing. Yet, he is showing patience… and without lecturing or even pushing, maybe even unknowingly, he is telling me to own my journey.

This would be way easier if I recognized the path.

But I trust the signs and most importantly, I trust him. And if nothing else, at least I know that he is here to join me in samsara.

So I write this post as an exercise in creativity. Because if I can’t find the words to describe where I am, I sure as hell am never going to get where I am going.

what do you see?

A lot of people hate pictures, hate the way they look in pictures and hate having their pictures taken. Not me. I love pictures. All of them. Even bad ones. Well, the bad ones not so much but they still get a shout out.

I particularly like the pictures other people take of me.

Let me explain:

Some people are photogenic and some people are not. This is a fact of life. But even people who are not photogenic can take REALLY good pictures sometimes. Some people say it's the lighting, some say it's the angle but I am convinced that it has to do with the photographer.

The person who takes a picture of you, is doing it from their point of view. That is, the way they see you. A picture of you is nothing more than a snapshot of someone's perception.

I like to see myself through other people's eyes.

I like to see myself looking at them.

How I respond to them.

I like to see myself the way they see me.

Cold and cool.

Hell is frezing over. Literally.

Last night temperatures in the great land of Miami dipped to 30F (the freezing point in Fahrenheit is 32). I didn't think this was possible. I also became convinced that I have in fact seen everything, when I was checking out an apartment somewhere in Brickell and while standing out on the balcony, we spoted snow flurries mixed with the rain.

I have a number of theories as to why this is happening ranging from global warming to God losing his/her compass and confusing Miami with London. But regardless of why this is happening I think we should all take notice because this is flat out freakish.

In any case, I'm working on a new project. I finish my MBA in 32 days. Quite frankly, I didn't think this day would ever come; but since it is practically right there, I am already planning for my free time. It's not enough for me to spend 45+ hours at the office. I need more. So I got myself a personal trainer and am going back to the gym. I am also going to be doing something good for humanity outside of my regularly scheduled volunteer work: I am going to be helping out with the US Census.

The census is important. When people are not counted accurately, our elected officially can unintentionally screw us over. I want to do my part in ensuring that everyone is counted. I am also very curious to see what the new face of America is. I remember years back, after the last census, an article that came out in Time magazine that had a digital picture of a person representing the face of America at the time. I would like to see the updated version.

I woud like to see if the great recession of the past year has scared people away. I read somewhere that people were going back to their home countries because if things everywhere were bad, here they were worse.

It seems to me that this year is going to be pretty special. Ten days into the year, I find that many of the things we knew and accepted as truths have been disproved. Maybe the world will end, but if it doesn't, some interesting things are going to come out of this.

Au revoir 2009!

Tomorrow I fly home for the holidays

I don't know if I'll get a chance to write again before 2010 so suffice it to say THANK GOD 2009 IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!

Okay...maybe I'm being overly dramatic and in my year wasn't so bad...but still. The good (no matter how good) was trumped by the bad and it sucks. Lets replay the highlights:

January: Started with a bang. Met awesome guy and almost got swept away to Capetown. (Thank God I didn't have my passport with me!)

February: I had a meeting that was years in the making (and I thought would never come)

March: I woke up at an ungodly hour to a good friend stroking my hair and then had the best conversation EVER.

April: Uneventful.

May: I had the best impromptu vacation I have ever had- 10 days in Positano.

June: I got promoted. YaY! I also met my best friend's babies!!

July: I went to Boston and saw my BFF for the first time in 4 years.

August: A mediocre friendship turned into an awesome hook-up. I found out HWMNBN was having a baby with that girl.

September: I turned 30. I got evicted. (not in that order)

October: I moved. HWMNBN married that girl.

November: I was in love again. It ended shortly thereafter.

December: I decided to take a break from school.

I don't think this year is going to go down in history as my worse year ever but it is nowhere near my best. It had highlights, it had low points. I gained 15 much needed pounds and I learned about myself more than I thought possible. I laughed, I cried but above all things, I loved a lot.

About love I learned that it never stops. No matter how the cookie crumbles, no matter how you try to detach, love always remains. I also learned that love changes and that platonic love can become passionate love or simply a physical thing that can work out great.

I laughed. A lot. I lived practicing what I am always preaching and I tried to live a life filled with laughter. I laughed with friends. I laughed alone. And I laughed at the possibilities...Possibilities that even though they may seem endless, are really not; however, we each set our own limit and I learned to push mine.

I was sad at times. Of course I was. But I have learned to live with the things that make me sad and make them part of the whole. Sure, I was sad over certain things but it was only because there was a time when those things meant something to me. You can't miss what you never had and for me it's been important to learn to pick my battles because you can't control everything.

The fact is that life is full of surprises. That people never cease to amaze me. And I'm so lucky. I am lucky that for every up or down, there were people around me who loved me and no matter what the test was, they always found a way to make me laugh and managed to laugh with me.

I wish for a 2010 full of laughter and love for myself and those who know what I mean when I say that sometimes it pays to dance in the rain-even if when it rains it pours.

Phones and lovers

I must be one of the few people I know who haven't fallen victims to the curse of the video- camera. I was gonna say camera in general but then I remembered that thing that time with that picture...Anyway, the data phone has become a staple of everyone's life and with it we have learned to document and then expose details of our lives that in the past would have been nothing more than pretty memories shared exclusively by the parties involved or a story told as you felt it- even if that wasn't necessarily how it went.

How times have changed.

I have a 17 year old sister who is addicted to her Blackberry and takes pictures of EVERYTHING. I know that she sees my openness and technological know-how laced up into a pretty little package and thinks that it's okay to share everything. But it's not. Not really. It's one thing to tell a story and something entirely different to hold evidence of what happened.

Phones are brilliant but they shouldn't be used for more than what they were intended to be used for: talking.

Accidents.

Everywhere I go there is always something to remind me of another place and time...

Last night I dreamt that I had a one night stand with someone I love/hate and got pregnant with triplets: Martina, Cecilia and Andreas.

Oh yes and I had them...

I don't remember the rest of the dream, but I remember the panic and the three names which was in itself enough to panic me into a rude awakening. I mean, seriously, three kids out of one accident is like karma on crack. Not even my baby craving uterus would be happy at such news!

But then all morning I've been in anguish over what I would do if those were the cards I was dealt...

I have faced the fact that I'm not getting any younger and coincidentally, I am probably not any closer to having a baby than I have been. However, I do want a baby badly -but just one. What would I do if I were to accidentally end up with a litter?

My step mother was 40+ years old when she got knocked up with my youngest sister.

Two of my friends had been dating for a month when she got pregnant with twins.

My mom's friends had her first child with the help of every fertility drug known to man, and then somehow, 4 months later, got naturally pregnant with triplets.

Martina. Cecilia. Andreas.

I will take what I can get.

Less than 0

Some years ago a friend bought me a pair of Erin Skinny Jeans from Abercrombie and Fitch. I had been lusting over those for a few weeks and after a trip to NY I think it was, Eny just showed up with them and gave them to me over pita chips at Pranzo.

I still have them.
Those jeans and I have been through a lot these past few years.

There wouldn't be any particular significance to this story if I didn't say what made those jeans special for me. This is the part of the story that has meant the most to me.

For years I have been battling with my weight. This is a struggle that has at times felt like it's what defines me. It has at times become an obsession but on the most part it's simply a part of my life.

That was my first pair of size 0 skinny jeans and I remember going to the bathroom and trying them on freaked out only to find that they fit perfectly. Because they fit me so well, I wore them a lot and so they served me as the standard of how I felt I should be and they felt like my prize for all the hard work I'd put in.

Since I came back from Italy I've been wearing a lot of skirts and dresses. None of my pants have been getting much wear. Last week I washed the jeans and meant to wear them for work only to find that I couldn't fit into them.

So naturally, I had a mini-nervous breakdown.

The realization that I am no longer a perfect size 0 destroys me. I see the scale hover over the 120 mark and I freak out. Yet, I tried on every pair of pants I own to see if it was true, and it was. After painful calculations, it turns out I gained 8 pounds. I feel like I am failing at the most important Annush project I've ever embarked on and I know that it's crazy because I often say to myself that I could use a few pounds, but I can't help myself.

So now I obsess, go to the gym, and I diet, except that I am a terrible dieter-hence the cause of all my problems. And I worry. About a lot of things. About the future. And growing older. And who I am going to be...like each pound I gain would make a difference.

This has triggered my own mini mid life crisis. Though I guess that now that I'm turning 30, I could expect those more regularly...

In any case, I am back to my more healthy habits, which is the only upside to this whole ordeal, and I hope that by my birthday I can wear the jeans well again.

Oh so happy!

So apparently I come from the second happiest country in the world.

I suposse that would explain my inordinate bursts of joy at inappropriate times...

But is that really the reality?

I don't know who came up with that index and how they measured it; however, I think that the reality of the country as a whole is quite different than what may seem. I can think whatever I want but ultimately, what I think means nothing because I have neither spent time there in a proportion where it would affect me nor have I seen my quality of life diminished because of what goes on there. But I read and I listen and if Bracuta is saying that the country is going to hell in a handbasket, it means something- and it certainly doesn't mean that Dominicans are by any stretch of the imagination "happy".

The most common hope I think that most normal people have is that of world peace. But I also think that this hope also comes secondary to that of a world (vast or small as your perceive it) where people can have their basic needs met. Where the standard of living of the masses is not compromised by the greed of a few. I think that a happy country is one, where each citizen can live knowing that the fruits of their labor is enough for them to live a dignified existence and they can take care of themselves.

If this isn't happening, you can't have a happy country.

And it's not happening.

I'm not trying to burst anyone's bubble here, but it seems to me like we should give the title of second happiest place in the world, to a place that lives up to the title.

Lead me not into temptation...

" I want to kiss you...but if do then I might miss you babe..."

-"Love Game" by Lady Gaga

It's been months since I've been enthusiastically enthusiastic about somebody. I like people sure, but A is A and B is B and after a while you are like whatever. But there is someone in my life now. He is smart, and succesful and so incredibly hot that every once in a while, I look in his general direction and have a mini-nervous breakdown.

Self-control has never been my strong suit.

In this specific case, this is my problem.

I have managed to find myself EXTREMELY involved with a man who has found God. God. God? I mean really...God? Apparently he couldn't wait until after he met me, and he has recently found God and leads a life of celibacy.

On our first date he asked me to church.

And normally I'd be like "whatever". I'll be the first to admit that I like physicality on my terms. It makes me feel like I'm in control. The problem is that this guy is too hot for words. This past weekend I saw him swimming and I was lustful like a guy! Maybe worse! Each angle and curve of his body was like an invitation. I saw him and I counted his freckles and I couldn't even bring myself to touch him out of fear that I might spontaneously combust.

Hell, out of fear that I may drop dead if he touched me, I didn't put on sunblock and am now lobster red to say the least!

So I got cranky. And I bitched at him for getting me wet even though I was already in the pool and I ran out of the pool and lit a cigarrette and he came after me and said "how can I make it up to you?"

In my mind: "Bathroom. now."
What I really said: "Margarita. Then something fried and breaded"

(he is a fitness freak. I had to mess him up a little)

And I saw him pick up each calamari and I had to go smoke. and drink some more. and then smoke again.

(he got physically sick because I asked him to... and I liked it)

He found God and yet he is making me feel the kind of lust that will drive you straight to hell. And he tells me that I'm funner than fun and cooler than cool and so pretty and I don't know how long I'll be able to continue this nonsense because I know that I would never marry him but when he is in front of me I can't help myself but wish I was the broccoli he brings so enthusiastically into his mouth and that cross that rests so so comfortably on his chest.

God help me.

"I can see Alaska from my house"

So Ms. Sarah Palin is quitting the governorship of Alaska which can only lead one to believe that our girl is planning to run for President.

The other day, during a PMS caused dillusion brought about by watching the movie "W", I was convinced that I wanted to run for office. I've always been a political activist, and my resume reads like that's something that would lead someone to believe that Politics is in the cards for me except for the fact that I am an unapologetic human.

Even with the best intentions, which I always have at heart, I have made decisions that have affected nobody but me that would be dissected and analyzed and picked at until they became something completely unrelated that would in turn make me evil. I'm not down for that.

I'm also not prepared to have my mom look at me any differently because I did X thing.

In any case, on this given weekday that I decided this, I told 3 people.

Person #1 said: "You are not consistent"
Granted, to this day I feel like that was a personal judgement more than actual feedback, I took that and made a note to myself and it is what it is.

Person #2 said: "Okay. You need to move to Montana and join the Republican party. "
I freaked out and satated the obvious "dude, I'm so liberal that being a Republican is not even an option" and then he said "yeah, go tell that to Schwarzennegger and Bloomberg". Point taken.

Person #3 said: " YOu would be an amazing leader except that you are anti-American". I was like "WHAT?!?! how can I be anti-American if I am an American?"
He said: "Annush, what do you drive?"
A: "A Volkswagen"
Him: "German. OK. What is your favorite food?"
A: "Mediterranean"
HIm: "OK. What is your favorite drink?"
A: "Bellini"
Him: "Italian. OK. What is your favorite place in the whole wide world?"
A: "Prague"
Him: " Formerly communist. Hmmmm...what nationality was your last boyfriend?"
A: " errrr....German"
Him: "hook-up?"
A: "French/German"
Him: "Have you ever dated an American?"
A: "My HS boyfriend was American :D"
Him: "You are anti-American"
A: "but this is my home, this is what I know, this is the melting pot!!!"
Him: "what's your favorite things about being American"
A: "supermarkets are open 24/7 and shopping is uber efficient"
Him: "You said uber...German"
A: "Who cares, Schwarzennegger is Austrian!"
Him: "It doesn't count. He married a Kennedy. If you marry a Kennedy, then you can be American"
A: "But I can see Cuba from my house!"
Him: "The Republicans will love you!"

hahahahahaha

I'm not saying that I'm not tempted...

...but the problem with temptation is that some people walk straight into it and some know how or when to say no. I am not like that.

I am Cristina.

It's not that the courage is there, but it just seems like the right thing to do at the time. And that's my problem: I only know what I DON'T want. If it feels right at the time, I will continue...searching, probing, doing things that only I will understand.

I have come a long way since my days as a love-sick puppy who couldn't see past that tall red headed shape. For better or for worse, I've given up on that thing that drowned me and have moved on to things that fill me- even if they are unorthodox.

A picture of me popped up somewhere on the internet doing something I am not entirely certain I would want my mother to see. Then a comment popped up below it victimizing me...as if I were still the girl who expected a kiss to turn a frog into Prince Charming.

In my mind, Prince Charming no longer exist and I'm okay kissing frogs. Though I am still a Princess- the kind who turns into a pumpkin at midnight and whose glass slippers are a badge of honor- I am not waiting to be rescued. I just strive to survive- to live a life that will bring me no regrets.

A life that will make me laugh. Because ultimately, life should be about laughter, happiness and friendship. Friendships that could be defined as something different than what they could be but are friendships nonetheless.

I love to live and live to love. But love doesn't mean the same thing to everybody.

It has stopped meaning the same thing to me.

She says...

I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me

She gets mad
And she starts to cry
She takes a swing man
She cant hit!
She don't mean no harm
She just dont know
What else to do about it

-Jane Says by Jane's Addiction

heavenly creatures...

I have always worried about being a bad girl. Not that I feel like I am a bad girl; however, this is a bit of a paranoia I have.

No matter how open I may be, I like to keep a bit of privacy. and when I don't, I like to be open under my terms.

I sometimes act and react to things as if I were a little girl playing dress up. Even when people look at me and think that my child like enthusiasm is that of someone with nothing but good intentions, on ocassion I do things. Stupid things. Though at times these stupid decisions are brought about by the aforementioned good intentions.

Sometimes I build things and I destroy them. I love more than I'd like but I don't think I know how to express love properly. Everything has to be measured by a second opinion, by a change in perspective and I react depending on how people react to me.


I went to spend time with someone.

I wanted him to like me.


And ultimately he did.

I think.

But when I should have been at my best

I was at my worse.


I think I behaved very badly.

Though ironically, I don't feel much regret,

Maybe embarrasment...

mostly because it was brought to my attention.

To everyone's attention.


Ultimately though, I only went to see him.

There is no difference…

This week I've felt like I am living in a time when history is being made. Some really important conversations are being had that someday soon are going to change the way we live. It's exciting, but at the same time it's scary because it's not easy to change people's minds and some people just can't compromise.

The other night I saw a clip about the Miss USA pageant. First and foremost I should clarify that I am not a lesbian and furthermore, I am not a big fan of marriage. That said, I saw the response that Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gave judge Perez Hilton when he asked her if she felt that states should follow Vermont and Iowa and legalize gay marriage. Politics aside, I thought that was at the very least inadequate. Her beliefs, whatever they may be, are fine but there were a number of problems with that answer and for that alone I don't know that I would trust her answering random questions day in and day out- that speaks badly of our education system. As far as the content of her answer, more than shocked or even disbelieved, I was saddened.

Like I said before, I am not a big fan of marriage for myself. I have certain commitment issues which I feel that should the day come, would probably keep me from wanting to sign the paper. But this is a choice. I am an educated woman with a lawyer for a parent so I know that legally, a marriage certificate offers protections and benefits that you can't otherwise enjoy. Protections I may one day need and will maybe one day force me to change my mind.

I believe in the cause of gay marriage. But when I think about gay marriage, I think about those protections and benefits that the gay community is fighting for and ask myself why? Why is this necessary? Under the law, why can't we all be the same? I see this as a fight for rights that we shouldn't be having because we should all enjoy the same rights, privileges, and responsibilities. And I agree with those who say that this is a case of civil rights. The Declaration of Independence says that we have the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" and the phrase "pursuit of happiness" even appeared in the 1967 U.S. Supreme Court case, Loving v. Virginia, which focused on an anti-miscegenation statute. Chief Justice Warren wrote then: "The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men."

Aside from that, neither the government nor your neighbor should have the right to tell you that you are less of a person because of who you choose to bring into your bed.

As far as what the bible says, which is apparently the quote du jour, this isn't about religion. Back in the day, those who came in the Mayflower and built our nation as we know it, were escaping religious persecution. Thomas Jefferson gave us the gift of "Separation of Church and State" and yet, 200+ years later we are using religion as an excuse to become a modern age society living under "Separate but Equal".

Our religious beliefs cannot keep us from accepting, or even tolerating, what is legally right.

I hope, and hope is a strong word, that if nothing else people will stop discriminating their fellow human beings. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter how it comes. People should be free to follow their hearts and be with whoever they choose and then should they choose to marry, they should be able to walk to their courthouse and sign the dotted line.

History has thought us that gay couples have existed forever and ever and so if they are going to be together anyway, why not give them the rights and responsibilities that every other couple gets to enjoy/endure? Ultimately it is about legal rights though this has brought out so much more…

I've always said that I would like to find my soul mate and that should my soul mate come in the shape of a man, a woman or a goldfish I'd be okay no matter what. But I would hope that should my soul mate turn out to be a woman or a goldfish and they somehow manage to change my mind about marriage, that we could be together and have that legal document which will protect our happily ever after.

The video.

Years and years ago I made Yvette a video.

Years and years ago = 13 years ago. And it was then that sixteen year old me made a good bye video for her best friend who was moving away.

Thirteen years ago moving away felt permanent and I thought she would forget me so I made a video that encompassed all the silly things that we did and all the things that I felt towards her. Tonight, sitting around a kitchen table with her [Yvette] and Amanda [our other HS BFF] while we were reminiscing about the way things were, the aforementioned video came into play.

This video that had meant so much to me, I had forgotten.

We sat there and talked and in pieces it all came back to me and it was then that Yvette got up and came back holding a small video tape. Needless to say, we got all excited. After calling every Best Buy and Radio Shack in a 50 mile radius we found the adapter and we all got in the car and went to buy this gadget so that we could watch the video.

I am not going to lie, I was excited. I was somewhat fearful too because I didn't remember EVERYTHING that was in the video and we were pretty wild so it could have been a lot. But mostly, I wanted to revisit the dynamic of our relationships when we were 16.

So we made a few Bellinis, sat down in front of the TV and pressed play.

And Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals showed up.

Apparently 5 years ago, Yvette and her then boyfriend made a video for a contest being hosted by the Food Network. A few days later, boyfriend mailed the tape. Five years later we come to find that he mailed the wrong the tape.

They didn't win their Food Network contest but we also lost the "us" that was contained in that tape. And now we are sad. I am sad. Because if I didn't remember the tape before and now I am still not sure of what was in it, I feel like I lost all the emotion that I poured into making something special for someone I loved a lot who I thought I would loose for good.

I am sad. And I Yvette was sad too. And as we watched this video about kitchens and Rachel Ray, I just held Yvette's hand and thought to myself "for what is worth, we are together now".

Sixteen-Seventeen-EighteenYvette-Amanda-Ana

Positano...8 more weeks and off I go!

Just Like a Star!

The lovely Daniela came to Miami earlier this year to spend time with me and catch up. It had been a good two years since we had last seen each other. Not since I went to London for Gus's college graduation had we been together and even though we always have an amazing time, there is something about time and distance that makes it more comfortable to live without someone. Here is yet another of example of distance not making the heart grow fonder but just making it numb.

Then there is also the thing about being connected that makes time fly by faster. How can I miss her if I know what she is doing, who she is dating, where she is, etc? How can I miss someone I have on speed dial?

Anyway, when she came down to Miami, we had an amazing time and she made me promise I would go back to Europe soon. When she left I missed her terribly.

I think the universe knew I missed her terribly too (and that I needed a break)because as it happened, I was told that I had 2 weeks to use up some vacation days I had left over, the fine people of American Airlines had Europe on sale and for once I had no reason to say no.

So I left and as expected, I had so much fun I didn't want to come back.

Also during this short break to London I met someone I first met through this blog. Even though we have somehow kept in touch for years and had come close to meeting but hadn't, I never thought the day would come when we would really be face to face.

Of course, we all know what happens every time I say "never"…
In this case what happened was that Annush met Schuey.

Although I could talk about a number of things that happened throughout the evening (all positive as he was a delightful date) there were three things that stick out:

1. We met at The Ritz in London. I arrived first and he arrived like 2 minutes later. He had told me that he would know who I was. I didn't think he would and worse yet, I didn't think I would recognize him. But we recognized each other before we were even in the other's personal space and then when we kissed hello there was no miscalculation as to the number of kisses, the side we were kissing first and there was definitely for sure no awkward cheek bone bump.


2. My favorite word (enthusiastic) is part of his vocabulary.


3. The lining of his jacket really did match his shirt which really did have his initials along the cuff.

I must admit that if the stars aligned properly and if given the chance, this is someone I would want to spend time with. Date? I don't know…probably not…but this is someone I would want to have around me simply because around him I don't feel so awkward. He is someone who makes me feel like I am and not how I should be.

Yeah, I liked him. So what?

I often wondered if anything good would ever come out of this blog that more often than not only seems to cause me grief and aggravation. When I started writing here, I thought I would find clarity but I haven't. I have, however, found some cool people to call friends.

5 months...

I haven't blogged in so long, I forgot how this is done.

For weeks I'd been telling Eny that I wanted to get back to blogging. As always, she was super encouraging but of course, for every "you should totally do that " I snapped back with "I don't know about that". I am hard-headed, I don't listen...what can I say?

There is something about this blog that now pushes me away.

Like it's haunted.

Maybe it is all the emotion contained within the posts. Or the reason I created this blog to begin with. In any case, I have changed and so have my circumstances so I don't know to what extent I would be able to reconcile who I was the last couple of years with who I am now. I did think about deleting all 700+ posts and starting over but somehow that doesn't seem like a good idea either...

You won't know where you are going unless you know where you are coming from.

For now I'll stay. I'll make some changes to this blog but I won't delete one word. I had to experience everything I have experienced to get to where I am now and if who I was and who I am don't make sense when brought together then it is what it is. Maybe later I will really walk away from it but not just yet.

But this is my therapy... what I can refer to when I forget what I was trying to do.

I am back.

I know it don't come in a shot glass..

I worry. A lot. Sometimes I am the embodiment of mama except that I am not anyone's mama. Worrying has caused me fights, cost me friends, and it has at time left me with the lingering feeling that if perhaps i worried about myself more and less about my loved ones I would be a much happier person.

Ignorance is bliss.

In a life that tends to throw you with people like you, I have been blessed (or cursed) with a group of friends as diverse in every sense of the word as anyone can dream of. I have friends who are scientists, artist, computer geeks, lawyers, musicians, bankers, creatives...you name a profession and I probably know someone who dabbles in that field. The same holds true for their values. I have friends who have never so much as smoked a cigarette and some others that would probably smoke the carpet if only it didn't burn so quickly.

But when we are together, they all come together and the world makes sense because ultimately they are all the same. We are all the same.

This past year though, while I've been busy with a thousand and one existential crises, things have been changing. People have been changing. It might be possible that life has been getting too hard or that maybe quirky traits have become problems. The fact of the matter is that if one person ends up in rehab or one person ends up in a hospital ward or one person ends up dead, you have to wonder what went wrong.

If several people end up in that situation, you have a problem on your hands and you have to stop and wonder: what does that say about you?

So what does that say about me?

On any given day I can look at ANYONE in the eye and tell them that I am okay. But this is a test of faith and character. Am I okay? A lot of the people who are going through different things are people who are quite close to me. I have to be honest and say that 50% of the time, I didn't think they had a problem.

But 50% is not that much now that I think about it.

What makes me different? Am I different? If so, why?

As I sit here sipping a glass of wine, I ask myself "should I be drinking this?" But I don't know if not drinking it is the answer... or if there is an answer. I just hope, and hope is a strong word, that I don't end up part of this new order of things...part of the group who talks about rehabs and hospitals like it was a time at a spa. Like the detox is some kind of facial and that therapy is some kind of exclusive party only a few can join.

"Yes I've been black
but when I come back
you'll know know know"
-Amy Winehouse. Rehab.

Blown away!

So there is a hurricane coming. This so called "hurricane" is barely even a category 1, if that, but everyone in Miami seems to think that the world is going to end. Not even while living in Dominican Republic did I ever hear "hurricane preparedness" like I have in the past 36 hours. And I know better. But just in case, I went "hurricane shopping". I bought salmon, wine, an obscene amount of Perrier and pita bread.

Fay better not get bad...or I'll be pissed (and hungry).

The only disrupter to everyday life I am willing to deal with, is my crazy wind chime and only because this is something I have to deal with if there is so much as a light breeze blowing in my general direction.

I started writing another blog that was meant to replace this one. I thought that maybe if I wrote somewhere else I would be closing the book on who I was and would be reinventing myself personally.

It takes more than a blog apparently.