Saturday, April 23, 2005

"I shall call it Mini-Me"

"I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find"
-New Slang by The Shins

Every day of my life I go to Starbucks. Whether I start my day there or end it, is unimportant. The thing is that if I leave my house, at some point I'm going to need my caffeine. I am not the only one either. From Monday to Friday I walk into my Starbucks- the one where I have to make that first right turn on my way to work- and I see the same faces. It never changes. This I find comforting.

The lady who normally stands in front of me in the line is one of those blonde Park Avenue moms who comes in with her already preppie looking 4 year old son, who I imagine will grow up to play Lacrosse for Harvard. The one who stands behind me is a redhead who had been extremely pregnant since the day I noticed her.

A week and a half ago she disappeared. For a week and a half I couldn't help myself but feel lost. I am, after all, a creature of habit.

Yesterday morning on my way to work I saw her again. This time it took me a minute to recognize her because the bulging belly which was normally hidden beneath a Burberry jacket was gone- as was the jacket. In their place, was a bright pink Juicy sweater outlining an already svelte figure, and a stroller with the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.

My eyes filled up with tears. I felt like someone new had been introduced to me. Like I had some kind of link to this new member of our coffee drinking family. Like God was trying to show me an example of what I would be like if I had a baby.

Everyone who knows me can attest to the fact that my biological clock more than ticking has been banging within me for some time now. I spent two weeks going to Times Square every single day to simply look at the Target billboard that had a picture of a little girl who looks a lot the way I imagine that little Fiona would look like.

The person who I thought I wanted to be, and that I was brought up to be has had to come to terms with the fact that it's simply not who I am. And it makes me crazy because I don't know how to be her (if that even makes any sense).

I want to be a mother, embarrassing though it may be to admit it in 2005. I don't care about being married or having the million dollar job. All I know is that I want a baby and I'm jealous of everyone else who gets to have one. I'm sure I would be a good mother.

Hell, I don't have an IRA but I have money set aside for my child's education!

But unfortunately, I am not a dog and hence I'm not going to let just anyone father my child. I need to find the right man. Not necessarily one who wants to stick around, but one with the kind of traits I'd like my child to have. This has become a real challenge. But I'll keep looking. Sooner or later I'll find someone worthy.

In the meantime though, I'll continue drinking coffee in the same fashion I have since I was 6 years old so that the day I have to start drinking my milk straight I will be able to say to myself "Annush baby, you've had your share".


Bracuta said...

You brought tears to my eyes!
I want a baby too!
Well, not right now, but eventually...

Anoop said...

Beautiful..... Very beautiful indeed.

And I hope you find your man soon.

Having a baby around is a wonderful feeling. Day before yesterday I celebrated my Daughter's 5th birthday and I could not bring myself to believe that I she is 5 years old already. And each one I remember so distinctly. Her First Birthday was in NY and it alsmost seems like yesterday.

Oops sorry this is your blog and your space. So, well good luck.


Reda said...

I've been fighting lately with the future I want for me and now I'm really making peace with my present, just my present. But a baby is something I cant fight thinking of.

Sadly, who knows if I'll get to be her political-step-auntie by that time, but I sincerely wish you find the right man to father your child.

Hugs and kisses to little Fiona up there in the waiting line.

Vince said...

Slightly unrelated, but . . . I just found out the Starbucks near me is now open 24 hours a day! Sweet Jesus it is a good day.

Tank said...

Very nice post Annush, very heartfelt. I'm getting to that stage in life where I'm starting to think that a child or children would brighten my life. I'm not quite there yet... I'd like to be ready for a child which I think you are and I'm a few years away.

At least I know I'd like to be a father.

dan said...

I was getting over my desire for children until I read that.

That's a touching post and it's nice to see people thinking of their future.

mrsmogul said...

YOu have plenty of time to want to have a baby! I on the other hand am in my 30's and am DYING TO HAVE ONE! ive been talking to my ovaries..come on drop the eggie! what cool posts i ca write when i get pregnant!

Weary Hag said...

I absolutely love this post! Such heartfelt honesty, it's incredible. I'm especially impressed with the line about finding a man with good traits to father your child (even though he might not necessarily stick around). Clearly, you have your ducks in a row for such a young woman. I was unable to have a baby until I was 31. Now that my daughter is 18, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her. It'll happen. Just keep your mind on the track it's on now and be choosy - be very, very choosy. It pays off!
Thanks so much for the comment on my post. Hope you'll visit again!

Sammy said...

I also am going through this weird 'lack of baby' angst. Oh it's so weird!

All I can say is enjoy the Starbucks while you can. The doctor will probably cut you off of caffiene while you're pregnant, after all.

K said...

I felt the same way coming out of college. To this day my own Father says 'tick-tock' when I pass by. It's evil I know.

Men are programmed to spread their seed but we're programmed to nurture.

Congratulations on your new addition! I see new babies everyday and it started out being the best birth control of all but now it's a whole new story.

This was a very touching post and I'm glad you wrote it. Thank you for sharing a small part of yourself.

_android[ette] said...

_I think about me being a mother & I get hives. Motherhood & me in the same sentence, pfft! --I am the girl that loves other's people kids & that never played "mommy" growing up -I was always the cool aunt- but I have to admit that my ovaries do a little corepgraphy number whenever there is a baby near me -a cute baby-.