"I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find"
-New Slang by The Shins
-New Slang by The Shins
Every day of my life I go to Starbucks. Whether I start my day there or end it, is unimportant. The thing is that if I leave my house, at some point I'm going to need my caffeine. I am not the only one either. From Monday to Friday I walk into my Starbucks- the one where I have to make that first right turn on my way to work- and I see the same faces. It never changes. This I find comforting.
The lady who normally stands in front of me in the line is one of those blonde Park Avenue moms who comes in with her already preppie looking 4 year old son, who I imagine will grow up to play Lacrosse for Harvard. The one who stands behind me is a redhead who had been extremely pregnant since the day I noticed her.
A week and a half ago she disappeared. For a week and a half I couldn't help myself but feel lost. I am, after all, a creature of habit.
Yesterday morning on my way to work I saw her again. This time it took me a minute to recognize her because the bulging belly which was normally hidden beneath a Burberry jacket was gone- as was the jacket. In their place, was a bright pink Juicy sweater outlining an already svelte figure, and a stroller with the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.
My eyes filled up with tears. I felt like someone new had been introduced to me. Like I had some kind of link to this new member of our coffee drinking family. Like God was trying to show me an example of what I would be like if I had a baby.
Everyone who knows me can attest to the fact that my biological clock more than ticking has been banging within me for some time now. I spent two weeks going to Times Square every single day to simply look at the Target billboard that had a picture of a little girl who looks a lot the way I imagine that little Fiona would look like.
The person who I thought I wanted to be, and that I was brought up to be has had to come to terms with the fact that it's simply not who I am. And it makes me crazy because I don't know how to be her (if that even makes any sense).
I want to be a mother, embarrassing though it may be to admit it in 2005. I don't care about being married or having the million dollar job. All I know is that I want a baby and I'm jealous of everyone else who gets to have one. I'm sure I would be a good mother.
Hell, I don't have an IRA but I have money set aside for my child's education!
But unfortunately, I am not a dog and hence I'm not going to let just anyone father my child. I need to find the right man. Not necessarily one who wants to stick around, but one with the kind of traits I'd like my child to have. This has become a real challenge. But I'll keep looking. Sooner or later I'll find someone worthy.
In the meantime though, I'll continue drinking coffee in the same fashion I have since I was 6 years old so that the day I have to start drinking my milk straight I will be able to say to myself "Annush baby, you've had your share".