RIP J.D Salinger

Three years and a month ago, I moved to Miami in the pursuit of true love.

Two years and 10 months ago, that "love" went to shit.

Two years and 1 month ago, this "love" he felt was given elsewhere.

One year and seven months ago, I started my MBA to try to remember who I was before this love that nearly killed me.

In three weeks I finish my labor of self-love with nothing more (aside the accomplishment) than a bunch of scars [deep in my heart] to remind me of this love that was so great it hurt me.

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I moved to Miami from NYC three years and one month ago. At that point I decided that this was where I needed to be. After all the tribulations, it was necessary that I stayed here to finish my MBA. This was my North. The goal, the purpose, the reason. And almost eighteen months later, this is where I am and where I am slowly but surely becoming certain that I need to leave.

Fate is a powerful thing. My mother always says that "cuando algo esta para ti hasta el universo se compone" (That translates [loosely] to when something is meant to be for you, even the universe makes it so). I think she read this in some book…

Anyway, Lately I've been seeing myself in other places, seeing other things, fleeing to the imaginable…and a few days ago, I got a sign.

As if this sign wasn't enough, I got another sign.

And then I got a most obvious sigh in the form of the most clear of all statements.

(I can't elaborate on the details)

The fact is, the time has come for Annush (soon to be) MBA, to leave Miami. And for once, I'm not the only one who thinks so. The circumstances are good, the heart is willing and more than that, it is time for me to reinvent myself.

This is exciting.

My secret that's not so secret.

Give until it hurts

Of all the lessons my mother has thought me, those she swears are stored "somewhere in my hard drive" , is one she herself has learned through experience and was better worded by Mother Theresa: Give until it hurts.

I am Dominican by blood and anyone who knows a bit of history knows that Dominican-Haitian relations have been less that perfect…

But everything has a limit. All things end. It seems like this time it took a disaster to bring this to an end…

It may have been the proximity, or the scale of the disaster but this terrible thing changed me somehow. And unfortunately, I can't be there to help- though I don't know how I could. And this kills me. So since I can't do anything else, I have been giving my money to different charities. Today I have begun to give until it hurts. I am watching Hope for Haiti and I have pledged an additional up to $20 for everything "I like".

Every time I give my debit card number I feel good but I know there is one less thing I can do, or one less thing I can buy. But I also know that maybe that money will make someone's life better somehow and it justifies "my sacrifice". And it's ironic because my little financial sacrifice will never even compare to what any particular person in Haiti is going through right now, but this is my little grain of salt.

The smallest donation can make a huge difference. Make yours.

Help Haiti!!

"...In the aftermath of disaster, we are reminded that life can be unimaginably cruel. That pain and loss is so often meted out without any justice or mercy. That "time and chance" happen to us all. But it is also in these moments, when we are brought face to face with our own fragility, that we rediscover our common humanity. We look into the eyes of another and see ourselves..."

-Barack Obama (or Jon Favreau?) via Newsweek

Cold and cool.

Hell is frezing over. Literally.

Last night temperatures in the great land of Miami dipped to 30F (the freezing point in Fahrenheit is 32). I didn't think this was possible. I also became convinced that I have in fact seen everything, when I was checking out an apartment somewhere in Brickell and while standing out on the balcony, we spoted snow flurries mixed with the rain.

I have a number of theories as to why this is happening ranging from global warming to God losing his/her compass and confusing Miami with London. But regardless of why this is happening I think we should all take notice because this is flat out freakish.

In any case, I'm working on a new project. I finish my MBA in 32 days. Quite frankly, I didn't think this day would ever come; but since it is practically right there, I am already planning for my free time. It's not enough for me to spend 45+ hours at the office. I need more. So I got myself a personal trainer and am going back to the gym. I am also going to be doing something good for humanity outside of my regularly scheduled volunteer work: I am going to be helping out with the US Census.

The census is important. When people are not counted accurately, our elected officially can unintentionally screw us over. I want to do my part in ensuring that everyone is counted. I am also very curious to see what the new face of America is. I remember years back, after the last census, an article that came out in Time magazine that had a digital picture of a person representing the face of America at the time. I would like to see the updated version.

I woud like to see if the great recession of the past year has scared people away. I read somewhere that people were going back to their home countries because if things everywhere were bad, here they were worse.

It seems to me that this year is going to be pretty special. Ten days into the year, I find that many of the things we knew and accepted as truths have been disproved. Maybe the world will end, but if it doesn't, some interesting things are going to come out of this.

Empire State of Mind

I didn't think I would write again until 2010 and here I am. This is why I don't like to make long term plans: you can plan whatever you want; but ultimately, the universe can have other plans and that's the end of that.

I expected to end the decade with a bang. As I write this, I should be getting ready to join my friends for the last happy hour of the year. Instead, I am in bed recovering from what has been the most nightmarish flu I've ever had. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if I had the swine flu. Today I left home for the first time in 3 days only to have to return 10 minutes later. Terrible story...but at least during those 10 minutes I got a chance to step into Starbucks, buy a tea and one of their compilation CDs. Some of them are so amazing!

This time I bought One For My Baby and am listening to it now. Wow!

For most of my life (or at least since I've been able to speak) I've wished I could break into song when the mood strikes. My memory works by associating moments with songs so my life has a soundtrack. An unlikely soundtrack at that.

As I listen to this CD, I'm reminded of one of the best first dates I've ever had...

Years ago, when I lived in NYC, Dan and I went to the 10 year anniversary party of the release of Weezer's blue album. There we met a guy. He was beautiful and just my type: a nomadic writer with the bluest eyes I had ever seen (this was before I found redheads). At that point my gaydar was still off and my self-esteem not where it should have been so naurally I thought he wanted to hook up with Dan. I was wrong.

While we talked, I mentioned that my favorite spot in the city was the median on Broadway and 81st. He asked for my email address. I gave it to him but I didn't think he'd write...

He did the next day and asked me out. "A nighttime picnic", he said.

He picked me up and together we took the crosstown bus to the Upper West Side. He had a paper bag full of stuff he claimed was dinner and he took me to my median.

It was dark out but we were illuminated by the lights of traffic. When we sat on the bench, he fed me a turkey sandwich and hot chocolate. We ate, talked and laughed. He asked me to dance. I reminded him that there was no music. And so he pulled me up and started singing in my ear one of those old classic songs that require a red dress and a suit... and we danced and laughed in the median of Broadway and 81st...

Starbucks just brought me back there.

One of my favorite memories of the decade that ends tomorrow.

Au revoir 2009!

Tomorrow I fly home for the holidays

I don't know if I'll get a chance to write again before 2010 so suffice it to say THANK GOD 2009 IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!

Okay...maybe I'm being overly dramatic and in my year wasn't so bad...but still. The good (no matter how good) was trumped by the bad and it sucks. Lets replay the highlights:

January: Started with a bang. Met awesome guy and almost got swept away to Capetown. (Thank God I didn't have my passport with me!)

February: I had a meeting that was years in the making (and I thought would never come)

March: I woke up at an ungodly hour to a good friend stroking my hair and then had the best conversation EVER.

April: Uneventful.

May: I had the best impromptu vacation I have ever had- 10 days in Positano.

June: I got promoted. YaY! I also met my best friend's babies!!

July: I went to Boston and saw my BFF for the first time in 4 years.

August: A mediocre friendship turned into an awesome hook-up. I found out HWMNBN was having a baby with that girl.

September: I turned 30. I got evicted. (not in that order)

October: I moved. HWMNBN married that girl.

November: I was in love again. It ended shortly thereafter.

December: I decided to take a break from school.

I don't think this year is going to go down in history as my worse year ever but it is nowhere near my best. It had highlights, it had low points. I gained 15 much needed pounds and I learned about myself more than I thought possible. I laughed, I cried but above all things, I loved a lot.

About love I learned that it never stops. No matter how the cookie crumbles, no matter how you try to detach, love always remains. I also learned that love changes and that platonic love can become passionate love or simply a physical thing that can work out great.

I laughed. A lot. I lived practicing what I am always preaching and I tried to live a life filled with laughter. I laughed with friends. I laughed alone. And I laughed at the possibilities...Possibilities that even though they may seem endless, are really not; however, we each set our own limit and I learned to push mine.

I was sad at times. Of course I was. But I have learned to live with the things that make me sad and make them part of the whole. Sure, I was sad over certain things but it was only because there was a time when those things meant something to me. You can't miss what you never had and for me it's been important to learn to pick my battles because you can't control everything.

The fact is that life is full of surprises. That people never cease to amaze me. And I'm so lucky. I am lucky that for every up or down, there were people around me who loved me and no matter what the test was, they always found a way to make me laugh and managed to laugh with me.

I wish for a 2010 full of laughter and love for myself and those who know what I mean when I say that sometimes it pays to dance in the rain-even if when it rains it pours.