Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Crossroads

"Ana, your whole life I've tried to give you direction but you are unmanageable! You really a free spirit but you need to find out where you are going"

I think that's my mom's favorite thing to say to me. For as far back as I can remember I have heard her say those very words to me, or a variation of them, and today was no exception.

For a few days now, there has been quite a bit of excitement in my household for a number of reasons. There has been a lot of planning going on and many decisions are being made based on those plans.

Back in July I applied to NYU for their M.S. in Nutrition program. Although this is something completely unrelated to Public Relations, which is how I have managed to earn a living for the past number of years, or even writing, which is something I have always done, I felt and still feel that this is something I could excell at.

I was encouraged by everyone to apply.

Two days ago I found out that I was accepted into the program.

In the midst of all the excitement I felt for simply being accepted (not that I was surprised because I finished my undergrad work with honors and all), knowing that I still have a number of issues I need to work out before I can even seriously consider starting this January, mommy dearest had to come and rain on my parade (both before AND after she bragged about it to every single person she spoke to since she heard the news).

I love my mother dearly and there isn't a doubt in my mind that she loves me too and wants nothing but the best for me; however, when she gives her opinions about things, especially if they are opposite to what you may be thinking, she will make you feel like shit about your original plan (the lawyer in her). As a result, and I hate to admit it, at times I have done the opposite of what she said just so I can feel like I can control my own life (the rebel in me).

"Ana, your whole life I've tried to give you direction but you are unmanageable! You really a free spirit but you need to find out where you are going"

This statement I've learned to know so well, came after a long speech about what a great PR person I am and how promising my career can be if I just apply myself.

If I just apply myself

As with everything I do, I have been applying myself since day 1 but I can't find the joy in wanting to do that for the rest of my life. I could maybe push it for a few more years, but I have to ask myself, then what? I know myself...

"You are just like your father. You are setting yourself up to be a professional student"

If that was the case, what is wrong with that?

Two weeks ago I went to Miami to explore an opportunity that arose over there. Ever since the topic of Miami came up I have been hearing her talk about how that may not be the right decision. She has reminded me tiredlessly about how much I hated the place back when I lived there, she has gone so far as to say that I'm running away from my future so I can go look for something that may not even exist.

Yesterday Miami became the place where I NEED to be.

I am lost. This is one of those times when I am really trying to do the right thing and I am getting nowhere. Sure, I want to go back to school but by the same token the Miami idea wasn't all that bad. I know that now she is working on the "pick the lesser of the two evils" mode; but that's getting me nowhere.

For the first time in my life I am desperately looking to listen and to take someone's good advice and the person I lvoe and trust the most is confusing the living lights out of me all the while she is making me feel terrible for wanting the things I have recently wanted. I know myself, and because I do I won't deny that the possibility that I could turn into a professional student exists; however, even if I were to take another PR job it would only be a matter of time before I got tired again and wanted to do something else.

I'm a nomad and a non-conformist. Bad combination.

3 comments:

Dan(iel) said...

Dearest, You are going to do what your heart tells you to, but if it starts telling you to go to Miami, stomp on it!!!

Miss you.

vicpichardo said...

study, figure out what you want. you have time.

mw said...

There is nothing wrong with being a professional student. I think people who feel they are "done" with learning are done with life.