Thursday, December 22, 2005

...but you have to follow through.

My father and Me. 1980

I saw my father last night for the first time in two years.

That was odd, weird, awkward, and strange.

In preparation for the New Year, I am trying to get my life in proper karmatic order. Although I know that what's gone down over the years in terms of our relationship with our father has not been our fault, as a precaution I thought that I would go see him and for one last time try to smooth things over just in case I had any part of the blame in the downfall of our relationship.

I took the first step and I do hope God gives me brownie points for that.

It's amazing how little things really do make a difference and how those little things can highlight things that might otherwise go unnoticed...

"Why don't you eat some of the filet?"
"I don't eat meat."
"Since when?"
"Since I was 9"

He was receptive to my grievances. For the first time he seems to have understood what I was trying to say, and he expressed it. Though I could tell he was in awe of the person sitting across of him, I could feel him struggling trying to decipher who exactely was this person he never got to know. He has always been the same person, but we have grown and changed and the only thing that may remain of the children he once knew, is our last name.

Christmas is a season for giving and I intend to do just that. Perhaps karmatic balance is not a very good reason to give oneself but the first step is always the hardest one to take and usually the most important. Motives change. And if perhaps karmatic balance was my reason for going yesterday in the first place, it's not my reason for meeting him again . Which I will.

'cause I kinda' miss him.


Tara said...

"Why don't you eat some of the filet?"
"I don't eat meat."
"Since when?"
"Since I was 9"

...just touching.

The fact that you are taking the first step besides it all is huge. It is not even about you proving to be a "better" person but about admitting that you do miss your father deeply warms my heart Annush. I think the best it is yet to come...

quico said...

"Why don't you eat some of the filet?"
"I don't eat meat."
"Since when?"
"Since I was 9"


I can almost feel his pain and see his face drop as you answer with disgust, but the fact that you are taking the first step probably not really for the first time is huge. Furthermore, the fact that you admit to doing it because you simply miss him Annush just warms my heart.

I hope he steps up to the plate and tries to not even make up for the lost time, but just get to know you now.

I believe the best its yet to come.

Bracuta said...

Awwwwwwwwww! You look so cute in that pic!

Luzbeíta said...

Me parece muy bien la energía que le estás poniendo... bravo Annush! Y me parece que tu papá también está poniendo de sí. Te mando un gran beso!

Jonas said...

you only get one mother and father. It's hard to accept them for who they are, but once you do, you may find that you will have an excellent relationship with him. The real first step is understanding who he is, accepting it, and adjusting yourself so that you can have a relationship with him that is full of positive energy.

For example, he didn't know you didn't eat meat and that has been the case for 17 years. This means that he (probably) doesn't care. Because I'm sure your mother knows what you eat everyday, I mean my mom everytime we are on the phone asks me if I'm eating...

(mom discussion)
"hi sweetheart"
"hey mom, whats up?"
"I'm good, did you eat dinner?"
"no not yet"
"well it's late, I don't want you eating so late"
"mom, I'm 26 I think I know by now when I am hungry"
"I know but I am just worried you will develop bad habits"
"Don't worry, my appetite is changing now do the medication switch etc...

(dad discussion mid-day)

"Hey kid!"
"Hey dad, what's up?"
"How's your head?"
"Where can I find the Rhapsody in blue?"
"Go to a music store"
"they don't have it."
"buy it for me and I'll pay you back."
"I'm low on cash, you buy it."
"Please, right now I'm drunk, stoned, and hanging out with "the president" (he gives people nicknames).
"well I am at work, remember a job?"
"ok, I'll speak to ya later"
"later dad"

Acceptance is a tough deal. But once you understand the difference, you can establish a relationship that works for you, and in the end, as you get older, that is what it becomes about. How they interact with you.

Be strong babe.


Libélula said...

It's awesome that you took that step...Good for you. And I agree with Jonas. The key is to establish a relatinship that's right for you both...and the rest will take care of itself.

Rainypete said...

Bravo! It can be difficult, but if you two can get along, it would be worth it. Your family are the onily people in you rlife you have no say in. They care, but can't show it in ways we may necessarily understand. Try to figure them out and things get a little bit easier.

mw said...

you were a cutie even then.

pia said...

You have more courage and forgiveness in you than I would be capable of