Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I celebrate myself...

"The atmosphere is not a perfume--
it has no taste of the distillation--it is odorless;
It is for my mouth forever--I am in love with it..."
-Song of Myself by Walt Whitman

For a few days now I have walked down memory lane. Accidentally, of course, because nobody ever really walks down that path unless there is a reason. Unless there is a trigger. Unless there is something at stake. If they are normal that is.

Yvette led me to a reminder of the way things were, back when things seemed "easy" though I have to ask myself, how easy were they? Upon being reminded of certain situations she wonders if she was insane, she says she (c)would never do any of it now. And I wonder, did we do all those thigns because we were insane, or because it was really that "easy"?

I like who I am. I am a work in progress, sure. But all in all, I like who I have become, even when at time I feel like I've become a cookie cutter version of someone's idea of "wholesome". But despite what I may say, or what people may even think, this wasn't always the case because if my essence hasn't changed, a lot has. And the person I am today is not the person I was before.

There was a time when I should have drank water but I didn't. Should have been eating my veggies, but wasn't. Should have been inhaling oxigen but didn't and should have been in bed by midnight, but wasn't.

I took things I shouldn't have taken, gave things I shouldn't have given. Wanted things I shouldn't have wanted and needed things I shouldn't have needed. I said things that were best kept secret, I did things had best been left undone. I learned things I shouldn't have learned, and I made things I definitely shouldn't have done.

Things have happened to me because I did things I wasn't suposed to do. If I couldn't leave my house through the front door, I always had an available window. I wasn't a stranger to people watching me sleep and my wallet held much more than money and keys.

Oh! the places I went and the things I have seen!

I loved people I shouldn't have loved and justified things that I now see were dead wrong. I was an accomplice to things I wouldn't think of doing now and everything my mom tried so hard to teach me didn't make sense to me up until now.

Dont' get me wrong, we were good kids. I was a good kid. Was I lost? Was I a rebel? Was I simply creating pictures for the scrapbook of my life? hard to say...All I know is that when I think back on these moments I laugh and when I read something like "was I insane?" "I would never do something like that now" I wonder if I could go back in time and be in that same situation, would I do it again?

would it make a difference?

5 comments:

Y.O. said...

The person you are today is the result of the person who experienced everything you have said in the past. If you consider you are a better person now then YES it would make a difference.
Besides, it is better to do certain things when you don't have the responsability of a family (husband, children...)

local wannabe said...

... you had me at walt whitman ...

gotbrains? said...

If I could go back would I do it again..? That's a good question. I probably would. We are who we are as a result of what we did and who we thought we were. And I believe that the comment above is definitely right in that it's better we got over all that as teenagers than become 30 year old stoners. Ick.

Proscript said...

If it were possible to go back, then you'd be the exact same person you were at the time, and so chances are you'd do the same thing.

If we could go back knowing the consequences of our decisions, we woulnd't really be human and, honestly, it'd be pretty darn boring. The fact that you can't always be right is one of the things that makes lifes interesting. So look back, smile, and be on your merry way.

Proscript said...

it really sucks that you have to copy all those stupid distorted letters to leave a comment...