Sunday, August 27, 2006

Present me worries about future me.

When I was a little girl my mom always told me that if I were a horse she would bet all her money on me. That really pissed me off. As an already far too self-critical/perfectionist virgo, the additional pressure I felt that I had on me to become this great person, rather than push me forward, just disgusted me. As a result I made it a point to just be.

In retrospect, that was probably not the best course of action; however, it works for me. My goal in life was and it still is to be happy and growing up I put my immediate happiness before everything else. In a lot of ways I had to go against my mom's beliefs and plans for me in order to do this but it felt worth it. The present me mattered more than the future me.

I did this but I never lost focus on one thing: I wanted my family to be proud of me. No matter what I do, there is always that little voice in the back of my head reminding me that what they think of me at the end of the day matters and that I have to build my happiness around their pride. This was important to me and it still is. I guess that's how I know that I love them: how I want them see me is the blueprint for the person I want to be. The happy me.

Yesterday when I came home from the fair, after Eny left, I let everything sink in. I felt deceived, cheated and even somewhat broken. I worried that my actions of yesterday, which unbeknownst to me helped a cause I had nothing to do with, had affected my family in a very negative way. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I was terrified.

But they supported me. They think that I am cool because I did what I felt I had to do even if I was fooled. Despite the fact that things went wrong, they were still proud.

Yet, the little voice in my head that had me all bent out of shape because I felt like I had fuckt it up for my family was still there. I couldn't imagine what else could worry me more than what my family thought of me so I did some soulsearching. Then it came to me.

I care about what HWMNBN thinks.

Despite everything that has happened between us I worry that if maybe I wasn't good enough for him before, now I am even less. I failed. I will forever be the girl who got screwed.

Unlike my family, I don't think that he had anything to lose by me being there; but it seems possible that he could think that maybe I am not the person he thought I was and as such I am not really suitable for him. Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe he couldn't care less that I wasn't home baking gluten-free cookies yesterday or that I wasn't dancing at the beach. But I don't know this for sure and I do know that I want him to be proud of me...

1 comment:

Gabemaster said...

Don't know the details of your relationship with the guy, but he would be a fool and undeserving of you if he though yo are worth any any less because of this. You are way more valuable than you can imagine. Not only your family and personal friends can see this but even people who don't even know you can see this as well, people like me. :)