Present me worries about future me.

When I was a little girl my mom always told me that if I were a horse she would bet all her money on me. That really pissed me off. As an already far too self-critical/perfectionist virgo, the additional pressure I felt that I had on me to become this great person, rather than push me forward, just disgusted me. As a result I made it a point to just be.

In retrospect, that was probably not the best course of action; however, it works for me. My goal in life was and it still is to be happy and growing up I put my immediate happiness before everything else. In a lot of ways I had to go against my mom's beliefs and plans for me in order to do this but it felt worth it. The present me mattered more than the future me.

I did this but I never lost focus on one thing: I wanted my family to be proud of me. No matter what I do, there is always that little voice in the back of my head reminding me that what they think of me at the end of the day matters and that I have to build my happiness around their pride. This was important to me and it still is. I guess that's how I know that I love them: how I want them see me is the blueprint for the person I want to be. The happy me.

Yesterday when I came home from the fair, after Eny left, I let everything sink in. I felt deceived, cheated and even somewhat broken. I worried that my actions of yesterday, which unbeknownst to me helped a cause I had nothing to do with, had affected my family in a very negative way. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I was terrified.

But they supported me. They think that I am cool because I did what I felt I had to do even if I was fooled. Despite the fact that things went wrong, they were still proud.

Yet, the little voice in my head that had me all bent out of shape because I felt like I had fuckt it up for my family was still there. I couldn't imagine what else could worry me more than what my family thought of me so I did some soulsearching. Then it came to me.

I care about what HWMNBN thinks.

Despite everything that has happened between us I worry that if maybe I wasn't good enough for him before, now I am even less. I failed. I will forever be the girl who got screwed.

Unlike my family, I don't think that he had anything to lose by me being there; but it seems possible that he could think that maybe I am not the person he thought I was and as such I am not really suitable for him. Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe he couldn't care less that I wasn't home baking gluten-free cookies yesterday or that I wasn't dancing at the beach. But I don't know this for sure and I do know that I want him to be proud of me...