what Dreams May Come

I am obsessed with death.

I don't know why but I always worry that the people I love are going to drop dead any second and I am not going to a chance to see them again. It's not that I am afraid of death, but I am afraid of people dying.

So I know that death is a natural part of life and we will all die sooner or later but a lot of the time there is no warning. If it isn't a heart attack, it's a car accident, or a plane crash, or a terrorist attack, or cancer, or AIDS, or an overdose. And then there isn't very much you can do abut it, is there? People die and they leave you.

I know that a lot of people find comfort and solace in knowing that people go to heaven or wherever else their religion says they go; but I am a pessimist. Or maybe an optimist depending on how you look at it. I really hope that when I die that's it. That it's over.

I used to think that maybe the afterlife could be something like What Dreams May Come. In my romanticism it seemed amazing that someone else could paint your version of heaven...I kinda hoped it would be that way because I wanted that. That was a happily ever after if I ever saw one!

Then it occurred to me that it's highly unlikely that anyone would go through hell to find me and that I don't want to live any longer than absolutely necesary. Not even in the spiritual sense. I wanna get old (though not too old), die and that's it. Permanent vacation. That whole watching over your loved ones thing doesn't work for me because chances are that sooner or later you'll have to see them suffer and eventually die.

I don't know why this is so important to me today.