It is such a weird feeling to have to acknowledge the fact that as we get older things change. The more I think about it, the more the concept of "grown-up" enrages me. I don't want to grow up, let all things good remain the same.
Not many of my friends have tied the knot; and of the couple of friends who have, I have only attended two of their weddings and have gone more out of responsability than out of actual desire. Each time was an experience in itself:
1. I had just gotten out of the hospital the day before. I fainted 10 minutes into the reception.
2. Our flight had been delayed something like 18 hours. I was exhausted. At the party I was so drunk I might have/ could have done stuff that would make interesting story telling...all I remember though was a lot of vodka-sodas and one of my "chicken cutlets" flying out of my dress.
Everytime big news of the rite of passage variety come my way, I go through an existential crisis. I can't help myself. It's as if other people's life experiences are being put out on display as the ruler against which my own life experiences are measured. And if perhaps my life experiences have been different, at times like these I feel like I lag behind.
Kristhina is my oldest friend. I remember us in her room playing at the age of 11. I remember the summer when we were 13-14 that we started collecing key chains. The one who collected the most keychains by the end of the summer would get a banana split. By September, I had 487- two more than she did. I gave her one so we could be tied and we shared the banana split.
I am happy for her. Happier than I ever thought I could be. Yesterday, as she was telling me about her engagement experience I was sitting there crying tears of happiness for both her and George because if there was ever a perfect couple, that would be them. Because if it could have happened that I could have lost a friend to that relationship (as it has happened), I gained one instead.
But then I felt just a little bit sad because there was always that joke that my baby would be her flower girl (notice how nobody expects me to get married); but unless I have a baby tomorrow and it's born walking, it's probably not going to happen.
I've fallen behind and I'm feeling things I have never felt before. Maybe because she is like the closest thing I've had to a sister. It is so hard to say. But I can't be selfish; not about this.
And in the weird turn of events as she was being proposed to, I was writing to her to tell her that I would be in NY next week. As luck would have it, my trip came just in time to make it to her engagement party.
I've decided that even if I have to leave that party to go get a prescription for Prozac, I am going to go and I'm going to enjoy it damn it! :)