Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I wish I was a trust fund baby.

There is a first time for everything. Even for things you thought you were too good for because frankly they seemed like things that happened to "other people".

Today I took my very first drug test or as they like to call it "drug screening".

In the great land of America apparently you need to pee in a cup before "they" decide that you are good enough to hold certain types of jobs. After what has felt like years (but has really been something like weeks) of going through every imaginable screening process to land my dream job (which I did, thank you!) I finally got offered the position I was after (along with another one but that's another story) and along with 500 documents I had to sign there was a disclosure that stated that my employment was contingent on me "successfully passing a drug test".

You can only imagine my surprise. If anything, in my line of work I would think that certain drugs would enhance your performance but that's besides the point. In my shock/horror/stress it never occurred to me that I couldn't "successfully pass" a drug test.

On Saturday morning, I went straight after a long night of partying with my girls to the designated test site. I think I was more stressed out about taking the test than I was about actually passing it so I wanted to get that out of the way as soon as humanly possible. So 2 venti lattes and 1 liter of water later, I went.

But of course, as luck would have it, it had to be on a weekday from 10-2.

So I went today. I had asked my friends about the test taking procedure and I was surprised to learn that in the great city of Miami drug tests are a standard practice (which only proves my theory that down here EVERYONE is on something). They told me to calm down that the entire experience came down to peeing in a cup. And of course I believed them.

I wish someone would have told me that part of the "procedure" involved me sitting in an air conditioned room for an hour (because as the lab technician explained, you can't just go in and pee right away), that they would hold my purse hostage while I peed in a bathroom that had no sink (you can only wash your hands while being observed) and that I wouldn't be allowed to flush the toilet after I went, which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

But in any case, I did it all and I came out unscathed. Though I have to admit, I feel a little bit cheapened by the experience and perhaps a little bit worried. I am not worried about the results but I worry about all the genetic information stored in urine. I worry that now the government can genetically profile me and I don't think that's cool. And people are calling me paranoid for saying this but you tell me, if this isn't the case then why did they need my social security number so badly and why does this test take as long as it does when I know for a fact that drug tests these days are like pregnancy tests: 3 minutes and wait for the stick to turn blue.

Whatever though. I can only hope that I don't have to go through this again and now- if nothing else-I have yet another story to tell my grand-children.

1 comment:

The Grocer said...

On the subject of flushing we have a saying that I have taught my little boy in order to save water, you're gonna hate this one..."If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down.