An Inconvenient Truth.

My neighbor and I work in the same company so we carpool to work. Yes, it’s good for the environment. Yes, it’s good for our finances. But it sucks for my mental health.

You see, Sonia loves British pop music, as do I; however, she likes to listen to it quietly and hum along the tunes with the occasional sentence she manages to utter. That’s how she listens to music and I respect it. I, on the other hand, like to listen to my music loudly and I like to sing along. I like to listen to British pop, but I also like rock, and folk, and house, and pop and the occasional hip-hop song. Sometimes I listen to Christina Aguilera just so I can sing loud enough to hit the notes (because I can hit the notes!).

But I can’t do that with Sonia in my car. And I certainly can’t do it in hers. And it makes me miss Yvette L. desperately. It makes me wish for the days when Yvette L. and I would get in the car and not only would we sing along to everything but we’d make up little dances to go along with the songs.

I’ve tried to think about the reasons why I feel so inhibited when I find myself in a confined space with Sonia but I can’t think of anything. I thought that maybe it was lack of trust on my part, but that’s not it…at least not after she saw me in my undies, or drunk, or crying or jumping on my bed. I trust her.

But I guess not enough?

Once, a while back at 5am we were drinking in her apartment and we had a Fiona Apple sing along. I don’t know what was different about that night but I wish I could transport that emotion, that openness to my car (or hers) and bring it with us wherever we go.

Because I want to sing in the car…and I wish she were someone I could sing with all the time.