Thursday, March 11, 2010

Heart shaped smoke

I still smoke.

I could consider my attempt to quit smoking a failure, except that I went smoke- free for a month before I realized that my ass was suddenly getting bigger. I was working out. I was eating well. I didn't believe that quitting smoking would really make me gain weight but it did and the size of my ass is more important to me than the current (or future) state of my lungs so it is what it is.

Judge me if you will, but everyone has their priorities and mine are straight.

Normally I wouldn't be having this conversation. As a general rule, I tend not to care what people think. But there are things...everyone has their "things"...and this kinda hurt me...

The day before Valentine's day I met this guy I have been seeing (let's call him "the neighbor"). Anyway, the neighbor (obviously) lives next door, and quit smoking some years back. The day we met I was smoking. He never said anything, so I automatically assumed he didn't mind.

Fast forward a month and apparently he did.

Now let me go back to the beginning... (and hope that he never stumbles into this post)

When we first got together, I can't say that I liked him like I've liked people in the past. Normally I am one of those people who feel what they feel like BAM. But that didn't happen. At the time, I was reading Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb and having reached the tender age of 30 it occurred to me that maybe (if only for the book) I should give the guy a break. So I did.

It wasn't until yesterday (almost a month to the day of seeing him nearly every day) that I decided that I really liked him. He had said that he didn't want a relationship. He had said a lot of things actually. But the fact remains that he said/ I felt one thing, while something else was brewing.

Today he wrote to me to tell me that the smoking thing bothered him and as a result the whole kissing thing wasn't working out.

At the risk of providing the internet with far TMI, I have always been told that I am an amazing kisser. Whether that's true or not, I guess that's in the lips of the beholder. Still, I have kissed a lot of frogs in my life to know that if nothing else, I've had good practice and as such, I am proud of my acquired skill.

He said that he couldn't tell me what to do but that as much fun as we have, that he would rather hang out with me WITHOUT all the kissing.

He could have taken just about anything away from me. As a matter of fact, had he decided to simply not call me ever again I would have been just fine. But this hurt my ego more than the whole liking thing and it sucks.

Never in my 30 years of life has anyone said to me that they don't want to kiss me. And this is awful because it came from someone I do like to kiss.

So I think it's time I quit smoking again because if I hate that my ass increases in size every day that I don't inhale from the freaking cancer sticks, I hate more to have one of my favorite things taken away from me. I hate to think that someone I like won't kiss me because I smoke.

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