Although maybe only a few of the people around me catch it, I do and it annoys me to no end. I try not to dwell on things, but there are certain things that ultimately are the things that really mean something to me. I guess you could say they define me. And at times, especially those when I am trying to focus my attention elsewhere, they beat like the tell tale heart.
A long time ago when my age was still single digits and I was still Chris, I had a best friend who was also named Khris.
She was the "C" with a "K" and I was the "K" with a "C".
The "C" with a "K" is my oldest friend. We were friends through childhood, through high school, then college and after some time doing our own thing, we were friends in life. K and I are as different as any two girls could ever be. We have different demeanors, different ideas and a different outlook in life.
Surprisingly enough, for a long time, she was the independent one. The one who was supposed to grow up and crack every glass ceiling with her Louboutin heel. I, on the other hand, was meant to change the world with a child on my hip. It's what I wanted. It's what she wanted.
But the world spins and people change as do their priorities.
Some years back, K sent me an invitation to her wedding. I meant to go. I wanted to. But I couldn't. I didn't go not because I couldn't- couldn't. But because something inside me stopped me. It was a strange time for me because while she was playing house somewhere in NJ, I was the one wearing the Louboutins running around the world.
This past Monday K had a baby. A gorgeous boy she named Ethan.
Though I know that there isn't a scorecard being kept anywhere, all I keep thinking is K-1 / C-0. While I was running around collecting shoes and stamps in my passport, she collected the materials to build the life I hoped to always have. So many things have happened over the years that I forgot the direction I wanted to go and the intentions behind many of the decisions I made.
And watching her, I want to want the things I always felt I was meant to have.
But I don't know if I am that person anymore.
Though I could be so much more than who that was.
Yet as I think of the life I live and the things that have meant something to me , I can't help but think that this vision of the girl changing the world with a child on her hip is the one that most resembles me. And I know I can do it.
Even wearing Louboutins.