Annush in the Sky with Diamonds**: secrets

Sunday, April 13, 2008

secrets.

Every Sunday, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is read Postsecret. Sometimes, I take some of these secrets and post them here because they ring true or could simply be one of my own. It's kinda funny how for someone who would rather "not go there," I have manged to share quite a bit.

Catharsis is good.

Last week, I received a comment from a reader telling me that he hoped I was just taking a break from writing. I saw it and I felt a little uneasy because I couldn't come up with a really good reason why I had stopped writing in general. I had not written a blog post since January, my manuscript has been on hold since February, and my journal has far too many blank pages.

Yesterday I posted a secret I saw in Postsecret last week: "When you stopped loving me I stopped painting." I even gave it a title: "for me, it was writing." Then I shut off my computer and went on my merry way.

Then it came to me.

I stopped writing because he didn't love me.
I stopped writing because I had to learn to not love him.
I stopped writing because I forgot who I was without him.

After almost 4 years, I ultimately lost the guy. And not only did I loose the guy, because of this loss I stopped doing the one thing I've always truly loved doing: writing. I let the last thing I ever wrote be an angry goodbye email that I wrote because I had no other choice. I let it be something I am not proud of.

I am going to change that. I already lost enough. No need to loose myself in the process.