Why?

The past month has sucked royally.

I am okay with bad news as long as they come few and far between. But like they say, when it rains it pours. I think that the whole thing started with my car accident. I didn't blog about it but my car was destroyed and I was stuck with the repairs because it was a hit and run. Then, my two friends died. A week later my friend's youngest brother also died. Then my French boyfriend left. And now my mom called to tell me that Katerina, my dog, has cancer.

I'm truly devastated.

So much loss! Why?

is it going to stop now?

...and in one second we lost 2 friends...

All day yesterday I had been busy recovering from the night before.
You see, while I was laughing and having fun they were taking their last breaths.

I found out via Facebook because I hadn't been in the mood to answer the phone. It hurt me. When it became a good time to call people back, it hurt more.

I imagined them getting in the car.
They were very close friends so I imagine that they at least smiled talking about something trivial while driving to that destination they would never reach. During those last minutes they probably looked at each other. And just like that it was over.

Then I thought of Stone Temple Pilots. And again I thought of them. One died on impact and the other on the way to the hospital. Again I thought of STP.

"If you should die before me -Ask if you can bring a friend" sang Scott Wyland...

He did. He could.
And if we are sad over this tragic loss- a double loss- they spent the last of their time here on earth in good company and no matter where they are now, they are probably together. And this very fact leads me to believe they are alright...

They will be missed.

In loving memory of Cesar and Joy.

secrets.

Every Sunday, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is read Postsecret. Sometimes, I take some of these secrets and post them here because they ring true or could simply be one of my own. It's kinda funny how for someone who would rather "not go there," I have manged to share quite a bit.

Catharsis is good.

Last week, I received a comment from a reader telling me that he hoped I was just taking a break from writing. I saw it and I felt a little uneasy because I couldn't come up with a really good reason why I had stopped writing in general. I had not written a blog post since January, my manuscript has been on hold since February, and my journal has far too many blank pages.

Yesterday I posted a secret I saw in Postsecret last week: "When you stopped loving me I stopped painting." I even gave it a title: "for me, it was writing." Then I shut off my computer and went on my merry way.

Then it came to me.

I stopped writing because he didn't love me.
I stopped writing because I had to learn to not love him.
I stopped writing because I forgot who I was without him.

After almost 4 years, I ultimately lost the guy. And not only did I loose the guy, because of this loss I stopped doing the one thing I've always truly loved doing: writing. I let the last thing I ever wrote be an angry goodbye email that I wrote because I had no other choice. I let it be something I am not proud of.

I am going to change that. I already lost enough. No need to loose myself in the process.

for me, it was writing.

October, November...same difference...

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine...all mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain
...

and the million dollar question is...

if I am too good for him then why am I not with him?

G.

You won... and I didn't even know I was in competition with anyone- let alone someone I didn't even know existed.

I wish I had found out some other way.

3 days later
-2 pounds later
a box of tissues later

it hasn't gotten any easier.

Saturday night I died and you were what killed me... and to think that you seemed nice enough that we could have been friends.

But I love him.
More than he has ever known.
And as you kissed me hello and goodbye, you didn't know that.

And I probably will never stop loving him
But you are the girlfriend
and I'll respect that.

But make him happier than I ever could...
it'll justify the sadness I feel now.