Connect- Connected- Connecting

My friend Olga often says that I am a connector.

I know, one hears that word and automatically thinks of Malcolm Gladwell and books like Blink or of random cliche 2.0 jargon, but Olga used to call me a connector before the book had been written or Zuckerberg had even stepped out of Exeter. (God I'm old!). In this context, it was about connecting human life and experiences. She's always been one step ahead :)

Anyway, the reason she calls me a connector is because I try to make sense of my own life by bringing all the people in my life together to bridge, and subsequently validate, the different aspects of my existence. And I do it even when they have nothing in common except for me (which as far as I'm concerned, is plenty).

If I have to call myself a connector, I would say that this is simply because I need to find comfort in what would otherwise be unfamiliar. The more people I know, and the more people I can bring together, the least likely I'll find myself alone. And I use the word "alone" not because I am afraid of being physically alone, but because a memory or an exchange becomes so much more real if there is someone else who can also tell the story.

My life has been rewarding and satisfying but I can't say that it's been a straight path or a plan that was followed to fruition. It's been more like a book of short stories rather than a novel with a clear beginning, middle and end. I do like new beginnings and maybe this is why I have had so many of them...

I don't know that I would recommend the way I live to anyone since I know that it's flawed and not really very practical. Still, every once in a while, when I find myself in a room full of people and run into someone I've randomly connected with at some point, it makes a difference. It is at times like these, when the world seems so incredibly small, that I feel like maybe I haven't been so wrong after all.

And then I wanna recommend my life to everyone :)

...to date.

Today I read an article about the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton and I don't even remember the particulars of the aspect of the wedding being dissected this time, but I do remember part of a quote:

"...reflect issues in which the couple have been particularly interested in their lives to date"

"In their lives to date"

"To date"

I've never really thought about life as "to date". For me, "life" encompasses even time that hasn't happened; which may be the reason why I'm so rigid. But I like 'to date". It allows for, and almost expects change. It assumes that we are a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.

This is what I feel "to date".

what do you see?

A lot of people hate pictures, hate the way they look in pictures and hate having their pictures taken. Not me. I love pictures. All of them. Even bad ones. Well, the bad ones not so much but they still get a shout out.

I particularly like the pictures other people take of me.

Let me explain:

Some people are photogenic and some people are not. This is a fact of life. But even people who are not photogenic can take REALLY good pictures sometimes. Some people say it's the lighting, some say it's the angle but I am convinced that it has to do with the photographer.

The person who takes a picture of you, is doing it from their point of view. That is, the way they see you. A picture of you is nothing more than a snapshot of someone's perception.

I like to see myself through other people's eyes.

I like to see myself looking at them.

How I respond to them.

I like to see myself the way they see me.

Hi, I'm Annush.

So the test said...

----------

Type A personality refers to a type of personality that is characterized by perfectionism, a high degree of stress, impatience and inappropriate expressions of anger or frustration. Type A individuals can be described also as excessively time-conscious, insecure about their status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation. They are often high achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays.

According to research, the following characteristics are the hallmark characteristics of Type A Behavior:

• Time Urgency and Impatience.
• Free-Floating Hostility or Aggressiveness.

Additionally, Type A behavior often includes:

• Competitiveness
• Strong Achievement-Orientation

My lack of free time was really my ambitions...

I know it don't come in a shot glass..

I worry. A lot. Sometimes I am the embodiment of mama except that I am not anyone's mama. Worrying has caused me fights, cost me friends, and it has at time left me with the lingering feeling that if perhaps i worried about myself more and less about my loved ones I would be a much happier person.

Ignorance is bliss.

In a life that tends to throw you with people like you, I have been blessed (or cursed) with a group of friends as diverse in every sense of the word as anyone can dream of. I have friends who are scientists, artist, computer geeks, lawyers, musicians, bankers, creatives...you name a profession and I probably know someone who dabbles in that field. The same holds true for their values. I have friends who have never so much as smoked a cigarette and some others that would probably smoke the carpet if only it didn't burn so quickly.

But when we are together, they all come together and the world makes sense because ultimately they are all the same. We are all the same.

This past year though, while I've been busy with a thousand and one existential crises, things have been changing. People have been changing. It might be possible that life has been getting too hard or that maybe quirky traits have become problems. The fact of the matter is that if one person ends up in rehab or one person ends up in a hospital ward or one person ends up dead, you have to wonder what went wrong.

If several people end up in that situation, you have a problem on your hands and you have to stop and wonder: what does that say about you?

So what does that say about me?

On any given day I can look at ANYONE in the eye and tell them that I am okay. But this is a test of faith and character. Am I okay? A lot of the people who are going through different things are people who are quite close to me. I have to be honest and say that 50% of the time, I didn't think they had a problem.

But 50% is not that much now that I think about it.

What makes me different? Am I different? If so, why?

As I sit here sipping a glass of wine, I ask myself "should I be drinking this?" But I don't know if not drinking it is the answer... or if there is an answer. I just hope, and hope is a strong word, that I don't end up part of this new order of things...part of the group who talks about rehabs and hospitals like it was a time at a spa. Like the detox is some kind of facial and that therapy is some kind of exclusive party only a few can join.

"Yes I've been black
but when I come back
you'll know know know"
-Amy Winehouse. Rehab.

Non, je ne regrette rien...

Some time ago, I wrote a book. I used to say that it was me telling the most beautiful story every told but it was really me just telling a story that I never wanted to forget. A story that I wanted to share with the entire world because just like at times it brought out the worse in me, it also brought out the very best out of me.

I wrote the story and I didn't even bother to change the names (though I did put it under fiction in case my memory was pulling a James Frey on me). I wrote this fabulous story that defined and proved every abstract concept I believed in. I wrote this incredible story and one day I deleted it because I didn't want anyone else to read it.

It really was kinda' personal...
(but even so, that was a really stupid move on my part)

After that long writing break I took earlier this year, I started writing it again but the story is not as good as it was. Or I can't tell it in the same way. I know that I feel very differently about all that now; but that shouldn't affect the memory of how that really went- if that makes any sense. Though maybe it is that it has stopped being so personal...

I like pictures. They are evidence of a particular point in time.
Writing, not so much.

It really is the devil...

As if my seven-word-named coffee addiction wasn't enough...
I have now become addicted to the compilation CDs they sell at Starbucks.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

secrets.

Every Sunday, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is read Postsecret. Sometimes, I take some of these secrets and post them here because they ring true or could simply be one of my own. It's kinda funny how for someone who would rather "not go there," I have manged to share quite a bit.

Catharsis is good.

Last week, I received a comment from a reader telling me that he hoped I was just taking a break from writing. I saw it and I felt a little uneasy because I couldn't come up with a really good reason why I had stopped writing in general. I had not written a blog post since January, my manuscript has been on hold since February, and my journal has far too many blank pages.

Yesterday I posted a secret I saw in Postsecret last week: "When you stopped loving me I stopped painting." I even gave it a title: "for me, it was writing." Then I shut off my computer and went on my merry way.

Then it came to me.

I stopped writing because he didn't love me.
I stopped writing because I had to learn to not love him.
I stopped writing because I forgot who I was without him.

After almost 4 years, I ultimately lost the guy. And not only did I loose the guy, because of this loss I stopped doing the one thing I've always truly loved doing: writing. I let the last thing I ever wrote be an angry goodbye email that I wrote because I had no other choice. I let it be something I am not proud of.

I am going to change that. I already lost enough. No need to loose myself in the process.

Something unusual, something strange comes from nothing at all...

"Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

... I don't know...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older

I'm getting older too."

-Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
_Title is from "Amie" by Damien Rice

My best friend.

I wish I could find a better way to document my friendship with Dan other than these few pictures. I wish there was something I could do or say to fully grasp the essence of who we are other than by telling a number of stupid anecdotes nobody will find funny but him.

Dan and I are friends. The best of friends. Thirteen years ago we found each other and have been important to each other since. We've been together for holidays, birthdays, special events. During a time that now feels so far away, he was my prom date. Together we've explored foreign lands and even nearby places. We made traditions and smiled thinking back on them once they were replaced (Japanese food at East, Starbucks in Columbus Circle, farmer markets on weekends, and bad movies and drinks in either of our living rooms). Even our families have shared in our friendship!

Contrary to popular belief Dan and I have never dated. Once we shared a kiss that more than a romantic thing only reaffirmed our commitment to the friendship and served as evidence that we would never be anything more than best friends.

Our friendship has survived the test of time, distance, obnoxious significant others and bad judgment calls. We always said that we would be best friends forever because I don't think either one of us really thought the other one would change, and what's more we believed [or I believed] that nothing would change what we mean to each other and stupid though this may sound I always found comfort in knowing that on MySpace we are each other's number 1.

But Dan has gotten engaged and last night I went to bed to the thought that I lost my partner in crime and today I woke up to find that for the first time in 13 years I am number 2 and I have a feeling of loss far greater than any other feeling I have ever felt before.

Yesterday I spoke to him to the sound of popping corks and laughter, because even if I wasn't physically there, he wanted me there.

All I could do was hang up.

Dan is marrying someone I have never even met. Someone who right now holds the power to destroy what came so naturally over the years and it's killing me. It's killing me because I don't remember life without him. Because I know what a woman could make him do.

I want to be happy for my friend but the harder I try the more that I grieve. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He said it wouldn't be and I believed him. And we were both dead wrong.

Right now I am being the ultimate bitch...I just hope he knows this is because I love him so much.

this haircut is gonna get me in trouble....

When I'm good, I'm VERY good.
But when I am bad,
I am even better.

Yes, I am a TCK who went to an Int'l School. So?

1) You can't answer the question: "Where are you from?"
2) You speak two (or more) languages but can't spell in any of them.
3) You flew before you could walk.
4) You have a passport, but no driver's license.
5) You run into someone you know at every airport
6) You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
7) Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times (or six, or seven times...).
8) You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
9) National Geographic (OR THE TRAVEL CHANNEL) makes you homesick.
10) You read the international section before the comics.
11) You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
12) You sort your friends by continent.
13) Your second major is in a foreign language you already speak.
14) You realize it really is a small world, after all.
15) You feel that multiple passports would be appropriate.
16) You watch a movie set in a 'foreign country', and you know what the nationals are really saying into the camera.
17) You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
18) Your wardrobe can accommodate every season.
19) Your high school memories include those days that school was canceled due to tear gas, riots, demonstrations, or bomb threats.
20) You think VISA is a document stamped in your passport, and not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
21) You automatically take off your shoes as soon as you get home.
22) Your dorm room/apartment/living room looks a little like a museum with all the "exotic" things you have around.
23) Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
24) You know the geography of the rest of the world, but you don't know the geography of your own country.
25) You have best friends in 4 different continents.
26) You never really use a seatbelt
27) School trips meant going to a different country
28) You could walk into a bar and order a drink without being questioned
29) You often had food poisoning
30) You are a pro packer
31) Living out of a suitcase, you find, has it pros
32) You bump into your old teachers all the time
33) When you return to the States you are overwhelmed with the number of choices in a grocery store
34) You literally have real friends (not facebook, hi5, myspace friends) from different schools all over the world on your friends list
35) Everyone had a 'staff'; maid, house cleaner, driver and babysitter
36) You got excited when a relative sends a video tape of regular TV with commercials.. its in ENGLISH!
37) There was only one grocery store.. usually at the embassy that resembled the ones at home.
38) Once you get home you miss your adopted home and visa versa
39) You are never content in one place, be it city, state or country for long. You're a mover.
40) You never had a job until you reached college
41) Blackouts are quite common, yet after a while no one seemed to notice and sometimes you would find yourself doing homework to the light of your phone or flashlight
42) Class reunions.. are not at your old school.. not even close
43) Police, imported from a different country, guard your school...carrying machine guns
44) Your passport has more stamps than a post office
45) When you carry converters because you actually realize there are different types of outlets
46) When people give you funny looks because you are a gold or platinum elite member of your airlines
47) You don't think its strange that you haven't talked to your best friend in a while because you know you will always have a unique bond
48) You don't feel at home at home anymore
49) When a friend talks about their dreams of traveling across the world and you can give them all the best restaurants and places to visit.
50) You don't even bother to change your watch when traveling
51) When you have little or no contact with the locals but are best friends with people across the globe
52) When you speak many broken languages at once when you are drunk
53)You had to change your passport because it's full... not because it's expired... 54)Paying a cop is not considered a bribe
55)You've dated people from other countries
56)You start to keep your experiences overseas to yourself because people look at you as though you are spoiled for having the opportunity to indulge in a new culture.. sad
57)You are afraid to go back to visit your school because you know no one will be there that you used to know, they all moved

The dream he had.

I learned a long time ago with that one situation I don't like to talk about, that sometimes it is best to play dumb. I learned that there are very few people in life I'd confess to seeing their significant others with someone else. By the same token (and this is something I never had to think about before) if found in a situation where a friend had, I don't know, maybe turned into a crackhead or something, I'd deal with them personally rather than going and getting other people involved-as long as I had the choice.

Which doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate it if someone came and told me flat out "annush, your bf is cheating on you", or maybe "annush you are turning into a crackhead" (which has happened but on neither of these charges)

In theory, I am a psychologist. I went to school to be an "expert" in human behavior. I watch people all the time. I also like to watch myself. And if there is one thing I've always noticed is that people change and as they go though different things in life, they change even more drastically. I am not any different. I am not any better. It's all a matter of how you handle things.

Would I worry about someone who doesn't leave the house and stays there drunk 24/7? YES. Would I worry about someone who seems happy and takes on a strange sociability and becomes "happily promiscuous"? YES. Would I worry about someone who has issues but is trying to make the best of their situation? Probably not. Depending on the situation, I'd even dare to say not so much.

Being lonely is one thing, having a problem is another entirely different.

My brother seems to think I am "depressed" and I don't know why. Apparently he woke up yesterday morning and decided that my quietness qualifies as some civilized form of a cry for help. HWMNBN called me today. I am guessing that this dream of my brother's extended far beyond the confines of his villa at the beach and so he decided to call for back-up.

(I don't wanna ask HWMNBN as with him, I'd rather not know)

In any case, all this unwanted attention is stressing me out.

Under normal circumstances, I am the first to say "I need a hug" or "hey, I wanna talk!" It wouldn't be the first time I said this if I were to say this now. Believe it or not, I've gone through a lot and I've never asked for help, unless I've really needed it.

To be completely honest, right now I'm lonely...which is by no means the same as being depressed. I know people, sure, but they don't make me feel like my friends do when they call me up and tell me they are hanging out or when I hear that they are plotting some mayhem without me. And yes, this makes me sad.

But I have just moved to a strange place and this means that I have to shift a lot of what I believe in...a lot of what I like. And this takes time. I don't qualify this as depression. This is just a temporary personal setback to get to the greater goal...

Am I working to get through it? I like to think that I am. I go through this every time I move somewhere else...except that nobody has dreams about me being depressed or anything else. Am I going to get through it? Yes, because I am a fighter and I refuse to be a story with an unhappy ending.

I am not a statistic, I am not a celebrity, I am not a martyr. I am simply someone trying to build a life. And I will. Quit having dreams and give me a chance.

100 Things about me.

1. I was born during a hurricane- Hurricane David.
2. My father wanted a son so badly, that even after they told him I was a girl he continued to call me David for another week until my mother flipped out and held me naked in front of his face until he called me Ana.
3. I have to eat every 4 hours. If I don't, I get cranky and then sick.
4. Until we were about ten years old, Ivan and I looked so much alike in such an androgynous kind of way, that people thought we were identical twins.
5. I was a chubby kid who grew to be an overweight teenager.
6. When I was 22 I got tired of being fat and worked towards becoming the person I am today.
7. When I was 10 I told my mom that it was necessary that I learned German. She laughed it off and said that German was a useless language to speak and that I should concentrate in stuff I would actually use.
8. When I was 20 my family moved to Hamburg, Germany. I spoke no German.
9. I believe in reincarnation. As a 12-year-old I went to Europe with my mom for the first time. When we arrived in Paris I recognized a city I'd never visited and spoke a language I'd never learned.
10. I met Yvette when I was 13. She was the best friend I've ever had. I was terrified of her when I first met her. With ups and downs, we've managed to remain friends ever since.
11. I got into theatre when I was 13. Update: I lost interest in theatre when I was 21.
12. I met Dan in acting class. We've been friends ever since. He now has a new girlfriend. This upsets me. Update: He has since broken up with the aforementioned girlfriend and gone through about 3 more. The most current girlfriend is not comfortable with our friendship. He has lied to her about me. I don't care that he has a girlfriend, but it bothers me that he has to lie to her about me. Update #2: He is now married and expecting twins.
13. When I moved to Cambridge, England to study, it rained for a month straight. I called home everyday to tell them that I wanted to go home. The day my step father came to help me pack, the sun came out and I refused to leave.
14. During this time, I won the International Time Warp dance contest in London's West End .
15. This is also when I had my very first European boyfriend. A Scotsman named Moe.
16. …and I picked up smoking.
17. While I was an exchange student in Paris, the day before I returned, I went to Montmartre for one last visit. As I was running up the stairs I missed a step and rolled all the way down. I arrived back in NJ wearing a cast.
18. I played softball in High School. I was the best bench warmer the town ever had.
19. I went to college in 3 different countries and went through 5 different majors: Literature, Urban Planning, Pre-law, Psychology and Government/Politics.
20. I've danced inside a cage. Yvette and I went to a club in Miami that was holding a cage dancing contest. The rest is history. Update: There aren't very many places where I haven't danced...
21. I've had my belly button pierced 3 times through the same spot-each time in a different country.
22. I got my one and only tattoo when I was 15. Yvette was holding my hand.
23. I've sang in front of people.
24. The first time I went to Oktoberfest I managed to leave equally as sober as I was when I first arrived.
25. I've broken the same leg 3 times.
26. I get car sick…unless I am driving.
27. I got my first car as a birthday gift when I turned 15- A 1995 Silver BMW 525i. I still wasn't old enough to get a license. The cops in my town were dying to bust me.
28. Although I drove everywhere, and everyone knew me and my car, I never got caught.
29. When I finally turned 17 and was old enough to take the driving test, I failed the written part.
30. I've been in one serious car accident. I was 23. It was on my way to Amsterdam.
31. I currently hate to drive.
32. I walk everywhere as long as the distance is 50 NYC blocks or less. Update: I don't walk nearly as much as I did before. Third world living made me lazy. Update #2: Living in Miami has been even worse for my walking than living in the third world.
33. I have two alter egos: Ana Jessica Parker and Donatella Fernandez. They keep me stylish.
34. I believe in retail therapy.
35. I have had 4 father figures: a biological father and 3 step fathers.
36. I have 2 brothers, 1 half sister, and 17 step siblings I've accumulated over the years.
37. I don't believe in holding grudges.
38. I fell in love for the first time when I was 15.
39. I used to be a serial dater.
40. The best first date I ever had was with a guy who turned out to be Republican. I never saw him again. Update: I did see him again...he is now a lawyer who is married to someone equally Republican.
41. At a political fundraiser a year and a half ago, I almost fell but Bill Clinton caught me.
42. I found the person I believe to be my soul-mate when I was 24. Update: He may be my soul-mate but I don't want him in my life anymore.
43. I've dated two other people since. Update: It's been more than two...
44. After the date with the first guy, I felt stupid and pissed off. The motherfucker accidentally ran over my Prada sunglasses.
45. After the date with the second guy, I cried.
46. I sing in the shower.
47. I quit watching TV after they cancelled Friends. Update: I've discovered Law and Order in all of its variations. Update #2: I no longer watch TV per se (no time) but I do watch Gossip Girl and How I met Your Mother online when I have a chance.
48. I don't know how to cook. Update: I learned how to cook mostly gourmet stuff. It doesn't look like gourmet food though. Great taste, horrible presentation.
49. I am allergic to all fish but salmon. Update #2: And Gluten...
50. I want to write a book.
51. I want to work for the UN.
52. I work in Public Relations. Update: I've since been unemployed, a consultant, a teacher, and am now entering the amazing world of high end real estate.goodie! Update #2: I have been working as a writer now for like 2 years.
53. I am a sucker for celebrity gossip.
54. The week before Manuel del Cabral died, he wrote a poem for me every day. Because he had Alzheimer's he thought he was always writing me a new one but it was always the same one.
55. My favorite poets are Pablo Neruda and Dylan Thomas.
56. I am biased towards smart people.
57. I have no patience for stupidity.
58. I count on my pictures to remind me of how I've felt.
59. I've only had one roommate, Angie, and that was in college. Update #2: Vilma asked to stay over for a few days and that turned into 6 months. I now have had 2 roommates.
60. I quit drinking actively after I got alcohol poisoning December 26, 2004. I got sick after 2 drinks. Update: I remembered how much I liked vodka with club soda. Greygoose and I have become great fiends and my nickname at parties is "Ana Bartender". Update #2: I now drink on ocassion and it's usually wine.
61. I haven't partaken in anything illegal in a while now.
62. Kissing is probably one of my favorite things to do. I don't do it as often as I'd like.
63. I think about moving to Miami at least twice a week. Update: I now live in Miami.
64. I hate Miami. Update: Not so much anymore...
65. Once I gave up chocolate for six months. It was a deal I had with God.
66. Funny thing is, I don't really believe in the concept of a God. Update: If faith comes at times of desperation, I am desperate. Update #2: Not so desperate anymore...
67. I trained to be an FBI agent.
68. Hillary Clinton hugged me.
69. Most people agree that at first glance I look bitchy and am over protective of myself.
70. I have small feet- size 6.
71. I think that Beyonce is fat and that J.Lo's ass is in some serious need of some squats.
72. I read about a book a week. Update: More like a book a month... Update #2: Do textbooks count?
73. Sometimes I don't answer my phone just because I don't feel like it.
74. My father is someone I'm not interested in having as a part of my life.
75. Whenever I watch a movie I need to have popcorn. Update: This is only true when I am at the movies.
76. I eat salad for lunch everyday. Update: I eat salad with lunch everyday...I have discovered other more fattening yet satisfying alternatives.
77. When I am really sad, I write poetry. Update: When I am really sad I party.
78. I am numerically challenged. Update: I love to play with calculators.
79. I am a nomad. After I've lived somewhere for anywhere between 9 months and 3 years, I have to move.
80. I've never had a cavity. Update: I had the first one at 28.
81. I am too lazy to shave my legs. I get them waxed.
82. My all time favorite song is Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.
83. I didn't know how to work an iPod until I bought one for myself and that was 4 days ago. Udate: That iPod died after a year and a half. I've recently bought the Nike iPod combination thingie. Loving it! Update #2: I've lost that thing like 3 times. I am done playing with it!!
84. I call my mother by her first name unless I want something, in which case I use "mama".
85. It's taken a long time to get to this point, but my mom is my best friend.
86. This year I spent my entire tax refund on clothes. Update: This year I took a trip and partied with my NY friends
87. Last year I had to pay taxes so in retribution I got something pierced. Update: Last year it was clothes. Update #2: This year I have to pay the IRS :(
88. I still haven't been to India…
89. When I die, I would like to be cremated.
90. Short people don't strike me as interesting.
91. I have been a teacher.
92. I am not a follower.
93. I hate Reggaeton.
94. I don't want to be a part of Corporate America. Update: I am part of Corporate America.
95. I am going to name my first daughter Fiona Emilia (or Fiona Maria) Update: or Martina Cecilia.
96. I've sailed on the Phocea twice.
97. I wish on stars, birthday cakes, chicken bones
98. I was a vegan from age 10-16, then I became a carnivore again, then now I am a vegetarian. Update: Chicken and turkey are okay and I've eaten italian sausages twice each time resulting in serious food poisoning!
99. I am an insomniac Udate: A lot of the time I sleep like a baby...
100. At this point in my life, I don't believe in sex without love. Update: ...

Okay...so if you made it here and you have questions, comments, etc. drop me a line :)

Whoa! I am tired...this took a while.