Heart shaped smoke

I still smoke.

I could consider my attempt to quit smoking a failure, except that I went smoke- free for a month before I realized that my ass was suddenly getting bigger. I was working out. I was eating well. I didn't believe that quitting smoking would really make me gain weight but it did and the size of my ass is more important to me than the current (or future) state of my lungs so it is what it is.

Judge me if you will, but everyone has their priorities and mine are straight.

Normally I wouldn't be having this conversation. As a general rule, I tend not to care what people think. But there are things...everyone has their "things"...and this kinda hurt me...

The day before Valentine's day I met this guy I have been seeing (let's call him "the neighbor"). Anyway, the neighbor (obviously) lives next door, and quit smoking some years back. The day we met I was smoking. He never said anything, so I automatically assumed he didn't mind.

Fast forward a month and apparently he did.

Now let me go back to the beginning... (and hope that he never stumbles into this post)

When we first got together, I can't say that I liked him like I've liked people in the past. Normally I am one of those people who feel what they feel like BAM. But that didn't happen. At the time, I was reading Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb and having reached the tender age of 30 it occurred to me that maybe (if only for the book) I should give the guy a break. So I did.

It wasn't until yesterday (almost a month to the day of seeing him nearly every day) that I decided that I really liked him. He had said that he didn't want a relationship. He had said a lot of things actually. But the fact remains that he said/ I felt one thing, while something else was brewing.

Today he wrote to me to tell me that the smoking thing bothered him and as a result the whole kissing thing wasn't working out.

At the risk of providing the internet with far TMI, I have always been told that I am an amazing kisser. Whether that's true or not, I guess that's in the lips of the beholder. Still, I have kissed a lot of frogs in my life to know that if nothing else, I've had good practice and as such, I am proud of my acquired skill.

He said that he couldn't tell me what to do but that as much fun as we have, that he would rather hang out with me WITHOUT all the kissing.

He could have taken just about anything away from me. As a matter of fact, had he decided to simply not call me ever again I would have been just fine. But this hurt my ego more than the whole liking thing and it sucks.

Never in my 30 years of life has anyone said to me that they don't want to kiss me. And this is awful because it came from someone I do like to kiss.

So I think it's time I quit smoking again because if I hate that my ass increases in size every day that I don't inhale from the freaking cancer sticks, I hate more to have one of my favorite things taken away from me. I hate to think that someone I like won't kiss me because I smoke.

Lead me not into temptation...

" I want to kiss you...but if do then I might miss you babe..."

-"Love Game" by Lady Gaga

It's been months since I've been enthusiastically enthusiastic about somebody. I like people sure, but A is A and B is B and after a while you are like whatever. But there is someone in my life now. He is smart, and succesful and so incredibly hot that every once in a while, I look in his general direction and have a mini-nervous breakdown.

Self-control has never been my strong suit.

In this specific case, this is my problem.

I have managed to find myself EXTREMELY involved with a man who has found God. God. God? I mean really...God? Apparently he couldn't wait until after he met me, and he has recently found God and leads a life of celibacy.

On our first date he asked me to church.

And normally I'd be like "whatever". I'll be the first to admit that I like physicality on my terms. It makes me feel like I'm in control. The problem is that this guy is too hot for words. This past weekend I saw him swimming and I was lustful like a guy! Maybe worse! Each angle and curve of his body was like an invitation. I saw him and I counted his freckles and I couldn't even bring myself to touch him out of fear that I might spontaneously combust.

Hell, out of fear that I may drop dead if he touched me, I didn't put on sunblock and am now lobster red to say the least!

So I got cranky. And I bitched at him for getting me wet even though I was already in the pool and I ran out of the pool and lit a cigarrette and he came after me and said "how can I make it up to you?"

In my mind: "Bathroom. now."
What I really said: "Margarita. Then something fried and breaded"

(he is a fitness freak. I had to mess him up a little)

And I saw him pick up each calamari and I had to go smoke. and drink some more. and then smoke again.

(he got physically sick because I asked him to... and I liked it)

He found God and yet he is making me feel the kind of lust that will drive you straight to hell. And he tells me that I'm funner than fun and cooler than cool and so pretty and I don't know how long I'll be able to continue this nonsense because I know that I would never marry him but when he is in front of me I can't help myself but wish I was the broccoli he brings so enthusiastically into his mouth and that cross that rests so so comfortably on his chest.

God help me.