Empire State of Mind

I didn't think I would write again until 2010 and here I am. This is why I don't like to make long term plans: you can plan whatever you want; but ultimately, the universe can have other plans and that's the end of that.

I expected to end the decade with a bang. As I write this, I should be getting ready to join my friends for the last happy hour of the year. Instead, I am in bed recovering from what has been the most nightmarish flu I've ever had. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if I had the swine flu. Today I left home for the first time in 3 days only to have to return 10 minutes later. Terrible story...but at least during those 10 minutes I got a chance to step into Starbucks, buy a tea and one of their compilation CDs. Some of them are so amazing!

This time I bought One For My Baby and am listening to it now. Wow!

For most of my life (or at least since I've been able to speak) I've wished I could break into song when the mood strikes. My memory works by associating moments with songs so my life has a soundtrack. An unlikely soundtrack at that.

As I listen to this CD, I'm reminded of one of the best first dates I've ever had...

Years ago, when I lived in NYC, Dan and I went to the 10 year anniversary party of the release of Weezer's blue album. There we met a guy. He was beautiful and just my type: a nomadic writer with the bluest eyes I had ever seen (this was before I found redheads). At that point my gaydar was still off and my self-esteem not where it should have been so naurally I thought he wanted to hook up with Dan. I was wrong.

While we talked, I mentioned that my favorite spot in the city was the median on Broadway and 81st. He asked for my email address. I gave it to him but I didn't think he'd write...

He did the next day and asked me out. "A nighttime picnic", he said.

He picked me up and together we took the crosstown bus to the Upper West Side. He had a paper bag full of stuff he claimed was dinner and he took me to my median.

It was dark out but we were illuminated by the lights of traffic. When we sat on the bench, he fed me a turkey sandwich and hot chocolate. We ate, talked and laughed. He asked me to dance. I reminded him that there was no music. And so he pulled me up and started singing in my ear one of those old classic songs that require a red dress and a suit... and we danced and laughed in the median of Broadway and 81st...

Starbucks just brought me back there.

One of my favorite memories of the decade that ends tomorrow.

Au revoir 2009!

Tomorrow I fly home for the holidays

I don't know if I'll get a chance to write again before 2010 so suffice it to say THANK GOD 2009 IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!

Okay...maybe I'm being overly dramatic and in my year wasn't so bad...but still. The good (no matter how good) was trumped by the bad and it sucks. Lets replay the highlights:

January: Started with a bang. Met awesome guy and almost got swept away to Capetown. (Thank God I didn't have my passport with me!)

February: I had a meeting that was years in the making (and I thought would never come)

March: I woke up at an ungodly hour to a good friend stroking my hair and then had the best conversation EVER.

April: Uneventful.

May: I had the best impromptu vacation I have ever had- 10 days in Positano.

June: I got promoted. YaY! I also met my best friend's babies!!

July: I went to Boston and saw my BFF for the first time in 4 years.

August: A mediocre friendship turned into an awesome hook-up. I found out HWMNBN was having a baby with that girl.

September: I turned 30. I got evicted. (not in that order)

October: I moved. HWMNBN married that girl.

November: I was in love again. It ended shortly thereafter.

December: I decided to take a break from school.

I don't think this year is going to go down in history as my worse year ever but it is nowhere near my best. It had highlights, it had low points. I gained 15 much needed pounds and I learned about myself more than I thought possible. I laughed, I cried but above all things, I loved a lot.

About love I learned that it never stops. No matter how the cookie crumbles, no matter how you try to detach, love always remains. I also learned that love changes and that platonic love can become passionate love or simply a physical thing that can work out great.

I laughed. A lot. I lived practicing what I am always preaching and I tried to live a life filled with laughter. I laughed with friends. I laughed alone. And I laughed at the possibilities...Possibilities that even though they may seem endless, are really not; however, we each set our own limit and I learned to push mine.

I was sad at times. Of course I was. But I have learned to live with the things that make me sad and make them part of the whole. Sure, I was sad over certain things but it was only because there was a time when those things meant something to me. You can't miss what you never had and for me it's been important to learn to pick my battles because you can't control everything.

The fact is that life is full of surprises. That people never cease to amaze me. And I'm so lucky. I am lucky that for every up or down, there were people around me who loved me and no matter what the test was, they always found a way to make me laugh and managed to laugh with me.

I wish for a 2010 full of laughter and love for myself and those who know what I mean when I say that sometimes it pays to dance in the rain-even if when it rains it pours.

I hate the word “resolutions”. Not that there is anything particularly bad about the word; however, it belittles every decision that we make everyday. As if a decision is not a resolve- which it is, depending on how you look at it.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. As it is everyday. Except that today I will kiss goodbye (if I even get a kiss) 365 days of lessons, and sadness and joy-because you can’t have one without the other. Each year I sit down and write what I want to take with me and this year I feel a little bit dry. It seems like this year it was too much and if there is one thing I have learned and have come to terms with is that I am glad that this year is over and I get a chance of a new beginning (if such things even exist).

This year I did a lot of the things that were my last year’s resolutions. Whether or not they were they right things to make “resolutions”, I don’t know; however, in the process I’ve learned that wanting things (and even attaining them) is not always the right thing. There is always something…

One thing I have learned though and I hope to carry this through for the rest of my life, is that no matter what we go through in life we can’t stop loving and laughing because in the end that’s what will keep you sane. Don’t get me wrong, this year I have cried more than I ever have before. I have lost (or have come close) to losing things/people I thought were mine to keep. At times I have felt like there was some merit in giving up. And for more than a second I entertained the thought that love was a heinous backstabbing trap.

But through it all I have learned that one can always laugh and that love is this all encompassing emotion that will help you conquer everything, including loss. Even when you lose in love you can get through it with love.

I don’t have the answers, and I certainly don’t think that because I love my life is going to get any clearer or that certain situations will change; however, love brings you hope and at times that’s all you need to propel you to move forward…

My resolutions for this year are clear cut and simple: work out 3 times a week, eat what I am supposed to eat, keep myself surrounded by good people, and move forward with my projects. Everything else that I could possibly want, should I attain it, is just garnish. All I want to do is be a good person and as such get what I karmically deserve.

Though it’s nice to think that it is, the New Year is not really a blank slate though I wish it were- just like every Monday is a good day to start a diet. I know that January 1 I will be the same person I was on December 31. I just hope, and again hope is a really strong force, that tomorrow I will be able to put certain things behind me and that what is coming to me next is a step forward. Something to look forward to.

I hope that the lessons that the new year will bring are lessons that will come filled with laughter for both myself and those around me. I hope to continue to live knowing that my life and the lives of those around me are filled with laughter and love.

xox-
annush