Thursday, June 23, 2005

Closure.

"I loved you and then I lost you
and I'll never be the same"
by Melissa Etheridge

For the past God knows how many weeks, I’ve been telling myself that things with He Who Must Not Be Named are over and that he is not the man for me. Although I am not a liar, every once in a while I tell myself things that aren’t necessarily true in the hopes that I can make myself feel better. This was one of the times.

Last night He Who Must Not Be Named and I had the talk we should have had months ago and today, without a shred of dishonesty I’ve had to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that He Who Must Not Be Named and I are really over.

Some say that we are the sum of all of our experiences. I believe that. I also believe that we are also a reflection of those we love. Meeting HWMNBN changed me. In the time we spent together, he made me want things I never knew I wanted, believe in things I was reluctant to consider, and most importantly open myself up to the possibility of being a part of something better.

When I was in High School I once wrote an essay of all the things I looked for in a partner. In him, I unexpectedly found all of those traits embodied in one person. I couldn’t believe that I could have been so lucky to catch the attention of someone I thought so highly about, and what’s more, I began to imagine that my life may not really be a life without him in it.

HWMNBN was perfect even with his imperfections. He knew how to piss me off in just the right way and always had the right thing to say to make it all better. When we were together he made me feel like I was the only person in the planet and even when he kept his distance it was never as if he had walked away.

Since an incident that occurred while I was in Miami, HWMNBN and I had not spoken. I came back angry and decided that maybe he was not the man for me after all and I tried to tell myself that enough times to make myself believe it. Obviously this didn’t work. I needed closure.

So I wrote to him. I wrote what’s probably the most honest letter I have ever written in my entire life. Any shred of shame or pride or anything that could have kept me from being brutally honest was brushed aside and I just wrote for what felt like forever.

Last night during a two hour long conversation, that wasn’t nearly as painful as thought it would be, we decided to go our separate ways. We agreed that, at least for now, we’d only be friends. I had heard that sometimes love just isn’t enough, apparently it’s true.

By the end of the conversation we were celebrating our new friendship and making plans for hanging out upon his return from Europe this summer.

Today I feel like I could die.

I feel like the air has been squeezed out of my lungs and like my heart is going to shoot out of my chest. I have cried in intervals for 8 hours straight and I suddenly feel so empty! As if the best thing I ever had to offer had been taken out of me. I feel like the world has stopped making sense and like I’ve lost the most important thing in my life.

The worse thing is that I think that I will probably be feeling this for a long time…

I never thought that I could love someone so much and what’s more, I never thought that if I ever did love someone like this that I would have to walk away…

14 comments:

Cindy St. Onge said...

Annush, I'm so sorry you're feeling such incredible pain. You seem to be really grieving.
I have no comforting words. Your own tears are the purging and the healing. You have every right to hurt, and to honor this loss.
I'm sending prayers for strength in your direction.

Gabemaster said...

I know if you had wanted to share it you would have done it by now, but I can't help to wonder what went on in Miami since apparently setting aside what took place downthere he was or still is ( who knows el mundo da muchas vueltas) THE ONE for you.

I know there is nothing anyone can say to make that pain go away but remember the poem that says ( Im paraphrasing here) "Si lloras por que te an quitado el sol, no dejes que las lagrimas te oculten las estrellas"

Feel better pretty girlie.

EmilyKim said...

I went through something similar once and it's been more than a year now. It's been tough all the way, and yet things seem to be gradually getting better, bit by bit.

How is it ever possible to know if it would've been best to turn around or to walk away?

I guess it isn't, but my message to you is that there is hope and you just have to hold on to the faith that the path of life has queer twists and turns, and yet in the end, everything works out for the best.

Happiness awaits at the other end of the rainbow - keep trudging on, fellow travellor. :)

finnegan* said...

I randomly surfed on. I hate being nosy but, are you sure you have to walk away? Cause sometimes a relationship just takes more work. And from what you've written, it sounds like it's worth all the extra work.

Harold Martinez said...

the good thing about bad times is that Sweetness Follows.

Hang on.

Libélula said...

I know just what you’re going through. I went through the exact same thing with who, to this day, is still the love of my life. Someone that just like HWMNBN, had in him all the awesome qualities I thought it was impossible to find in just one person.

Things didn’t work out between us. We went through the talk, the seeing other people, the not talking to each other for almost a year…the works! Today, we are friends…I still love him, but I know we can never go back to where we were and I accept that.

It’s true that we are “the sum of all of our experiences”. I try to stay positive and think that something constructive and favorable came from all the pain I felt. It did. Nietzsche said: “That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger”…I am stronger today. I know that if I was able to say goodbye to someone that had become my whole life, that I could handle anything.

Even after all the bad things that happened between us, I thanked him for showing me that I was able to love someone as strongly as I loved him. That is something I never ever though I would do.

I thought this person and I would be together forever, but forever was cut too short.

Don’t despair, Annush. The darkest time of night is just before dawn. There will be a time when you’ll feel happy again. I hope it’s soon…prayers go out to you from Santo Domingo…Take care!!!

Anoop said...

They say time is the best medicine. This is one thing that changes you forever. Some become better for it and some not. I only hope you feel better and get better. Because in the future you might realize that this has taught you things and given you patience, you never thought you had.

All the best.

LocuTus of Borg said...

Wow, everything everybody wrote (except Modem - dumbass) was so great and warm. After all the writings, I wasn't going to share my experience, but you know ... it's better when you can talk about it. Thank you for sharing Annush, it does help to talk about it.

I dated a girl that lived in California, so first difficulty it was a long distance relationship. We truly loved each other and had a "connection." I broke up with her basically because I could not move to California and she could not move to me :(. We had a long phone conversation with lots of crying. But then after she would send text messages and emails - then I would return them.

Neither of us was letting go. Finally I wrote her a 4 page long email telling her not to contact me anymore :(. It kept hurting each time that we would talk and I knew that she was dating another man which made it even more difficult. Shit at 34 years old it was another hard thing to do in my life, sucks. It still hurt and still think about her. I wish that I could tell you that it gets easier right away, but it does take time. Hang in there and remember we spend time together with people in life for a reason. You will find another man that is absolutely perfect for you. Make sure you read your essay often. Lots of Hugs Annush!

LocuTus of Borg said...

nother comment: funny how so many people go through the same thing ...

Siouxsie said...

it´s true..sometimes love just isn´t enough,and it´s so painful when you feel you HAVE given all..you DO feel empty, but the reasons for not been together are always there, you can´t avoid them..damn it!

K said...

Honey, my heart goes out to you. Cry, have a good cry, and then cry some more. Mostly everything I could say right now won't stop this pain your feeling, so let it all out.

I'd take it all away from you if I could be that won't allow you to grow stronger from this experience.

If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

You don't deserve this pain and I'm so sorry this man has broken your heart.

Zanahoria said...

boo hoo youre heart got broken and so did everyone else incluiding mine
tell you what, it will heal fter a while
i reccommend you forget about the ashole because it seems to me he truly doesnt realy deserve you so in the end this is better for you
you seem like a nice girl so im sure someone much better than this guy will come around sooner ot later so hani inthere
int the end you will be a happy person
if it doesnt work out my buddy Broccoli is willing to date you

mw said...

I think you have to experience "the one who gets away" to fully appreciate "the one." I'm sure that's of no help. Good Luck - and it's true that you find "the one" when you are not looking.

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