"I loved you and then I lost you
and I'll never be the same"
by Melissa Etheridge
For the past God knows how many weeks, I’ve been telling myself that things with He Who Must Not Be Named are over and that he is not the man for me. Although I am not a liar, every once in a while I tell myself things that aren’t necessarily true in the hopes that I can make myself feel better. This was one of the times.
Last night He Who Must Not Be Named and I had the talk we should have had months ago and today, without a shred of dishonesty I’ve had to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that He Who Must Not Be Named and I are really over.
Some say that we are the sum of all of our experiences. I believe that. I also believe that we are also a reflection of those we love. Meeting HWMNBN changed me. In the time we spent together, he made me want things I never knew I wanted, believe in things I was reluctant to consider, and most importantly open myself up to the possibility of being a part of something better.
When I was in High School I once wrote an essay of all the things I looked for in a partner. In him, I unexpectedly found all of those traits embodied in one person. I couldn’t believe that I could have been so lucky to catch the attention of someone I thought so highly about, and what’s more, I began to imagine that my life may not really be a life without him in it.
HWMNBN was perfect even with his imperfections. He knew how to piss me off in just the right way and always had the right thing to say to make it all better. When we were together he made me feel like I was the only person in the planet and even when he kept his distance it was never as if he had walked away.
Since an incident that occurred while I was in Miami, HWMNBN and I had not spoken. I came back angry and decided that maybe he was not the man for me after all and I tried to tell myself that enough times to make myself believe it. Obviously this didn’t work. I needed closure.
So I wrote to him. I wrote what’s probably the most honest letter I have ever written in my entire life. Any shred of shame or pride or anything that could have kept me from being brutally honest was brushed aside and I just wrote for what felt like forever.
Last night during a two hour long conversation, that wasn’t nearly as painful as thought it would be, we decided to go our separate ways. We agreed that, at least for now, we’d only be friends. I had heard that sometimes love just isn’t enough, apparently it’s true.
By the end of the conversation we were celebrating our new friendship and making plans for hanging out upon his return from Europe this summer.
Today I feel like I could die.
I feel like the air has been squeezed out of my lungs and like my heart is going to shoot out of my chest. I have cried in intervals for 8 hours straight and I suddenly feel so empty! As if the best thing I ever had to offer had been taken out of me. I feel like the world has stopped making sense and like I’ve lost the most important thing in my life.
The worse thing is that I think that I will probably be feeling this for a long time…
I never thought that I could love someone so much and what’s more, I never thought that if I ever did love someone like this that I would have to walk away…