A couple of weeks ago, I read this book called El Zahir, by Paulo Coelho. Although traditionally I have not been a huge Coelho fan, the last couple of books I have read by him have been really enjoyable. Enjoyable to the point that I have been able to look for the lesson behind it and learn it.
In El Zahir, the main character- who happens to be a famous writer- finds himself in a bit of a bind after his wife left him. He wrote a book titled “Tiempo de Romper, Tiempo de Coser” (loosely translated: Time to break, time to sew) in the hopes that he would be able to make sense out of what happened and make peace with himself.
The title in itself is a lesson.
After I came back from Miami, I came back very much unlike myself. Before this trip, since that incident at the Delano a year ago, I found myself going through life following what can’t be called anything except the road less traveled. Although unsure of where I was going, not once did I complain, and not once did I try to get back on track. I’ve always been a fan of the “scenic route” and how I loved this route! But then I understood why this road was the one less traveled: because at the end there is an abyss and although you can kind of see land on the other side there is nothing to bridge both sides together.
Rituals are important. We have birthing rituals, rituals for the dead, rites of passage, etc. In every culture there is always a rite for something. It only made sense for me that I should follow a ritual to make myself feel better for finding the end of that road I trusted. I went with the ritual of mourning. Mourning for what once was and no longer is.
This weekend I spent utterly alone. And this I did by choice. One has got to know when they are not good company and last week, I was not. Some Ana time was in order. I went home on Friday, and I cried for the first time in a long time for the right reason. I ate as if food would fill that abyss I desperately wanted to cross over. I smoked more than I have in a long time. I slept hoping that my thoughts wouldn’t disrupt my dreams and I thought A LOT about how to get my life back on track and letting go of the dream of what’s on the other side.
Today is Monday and I feel reborn. Sometimes what we need is just to address the issue. To take the time to react to the things that are important to us and have the power to change us. For me, it took finding the end of the road before I even considered it. I have mourned what once was and no longer is, and I feel myself healing. Now it’s time for me to move on and I can do so carrying a lighter load…because I have let go of what was never really there.