Friday, August 26, 2005

How HWMNBN Stole My Birthday...

Every normal person
outside of Wonderland
Likes birthdays a lot...
But He Who Must Not be Named,
Who lives down by the beach, Did NOT!
He who must not be named hated birthdays!
The whole birthday week!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he was simply too tall.
But whatever the reason,
His height or his shoes,
He stood there the day before Annush’s birthday,
planning to take it from her,
Staring down from his ocean view apartment with a sour, german frown
At the warm lighted windows below in the town.
For he knew little Annush down in the world beneath
Was busy now trying to make it down to the beach.
"And she likes me so much that she is smiling and laughing!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is her birthday! She is practically here!"
Then he growled, with his German fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep her birthday forever!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...Little Annush would wake
Go to work in a hurry, take a flight to DR.
She would rush to the bar where they’d meet and hang out!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
(hell yeah, THAT kind of noise!)
That's one thing he liked! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Little Annush was loud but he loved the sound.
Then Annush and her friends would sit down to a feast.
And they'd eat chocolate cake! And they'd drink drink drink!
They would start going to Red and eating vegetable wraps
Where He Who Must Not Be Named would gladly come!
And THEN they'd do something he loved most of all!
Little Annush and friends would go out and party
and she’d have such fun with everyone around her.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And they’d all start to drink!
screwdrivers! martinis! Sex on the beach!
And the more HWMNBN thought of the Annush Birthday Fun
The more the HWMNBN thought, "I must keep her birthday!
"Why for 3months now she’s loved me to pieces!
I MUST keep her birthday so she’ll always remember me!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
A great idea!
"I know just what to do!" HWMNBN laughed in his throat.
And he made himself handsome and put on his tux.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a good looking date!
"With this tux and this shave I could be Prince Charming!"
"All I need is a place..."
HWMNBN looked around.
But since good places are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old HWMNBN...?
No! He simply said,
"If I can't find a place, I'll bring her to that after party instead!"
So he called his friend F. Told him his heart would break
if little Annush couldn’t come to his party as his date.
He called her up
and told her to come
to take the last flight from NY after work.
Then HWMNBN said, "I can’t wait to see you!"
And the flight from NY started down
Toward the bar where HWMNBN was chilling with his pals.
All the windows were dark. Too much warmth in the place.
All the DJs in DR had taken over this place
When she showed at the place in her informal gear
"This is my number one," HWMNBN told all his pals
And they sat on the couch, and forever made out.
Then they slid out the place. An obvious ordeal.
But if people could do it, then so could HWMNBN.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two
But she was so happy it looked like a fluke
Then he brought her into his ocean view place
Where the sun was starting to shine through the balcony
And nobody was home.
"This tux, babe" he grinned, "is the first thing to go!"
Then he hugged her and kissed her, and put on some shorts,
together they stayed until well after 8!
Smiles! And laughter! Happiness! Cheers!
Not even coffee and little Annush was radiant!
Later that day, HWNBN, very sweetly,
Called her phone and asked her over for dinner!
Then he slunk to the icebox. But he found nothing there!
He had not even bought food for breakfast!
He waited until she showed up at his doorstep.
Why, HWMNBN was very surprised
little Annush had cut off all of her hair.
Then he was all compliments and all full of glee
He said let’s go out and get something to eat!
"And NOW!" grinned HWMNBN, "I will play nice with her friends!"
And when her friend B showed up at the small eatery
He won her over with his brains and wit
When he heard a sweet sound like the song of U2
He turned around fast, and he looked over at Annush
Who sang along so he kissed her hand!
Little Annush was happy and he was seemingly too
HWMNBN had been caught by this little New Yorker
Who he’d met in South Beach one day in the summer.
She stared at HWMNBN and said, "HWMNBN, why,
"Why are you making my birthday so great? WHY?"
But, you know, that old German was so smart and so slick
He quickly said something, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little Annush," HWMNBN lied,
"You are my girl from NY and I love being with you.
I want you to have a special vacation”.
"So I'm making sure you have fun, my dear.
"Even if you go home, then we'll always have here."
And his fib fooled the girl. Then he kissed her forehead
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Annush went to bed with her cup,
HWMNBN went back to his ocean view place
With her birthday in his hand.
Then the last thing he took
Was her heart in a glass box.
Then he went to his balcony himself, the old liar.
In her life he left nothing but memories, and sadness.
And the love that he had given her while they ate there at Red
Was a so much yet a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then he did the same thing
When the next day came around
Giving crumbs much too small
to poor little Annush!
It was late afternoon...
When he took her to the airport
There he showed ownership like a regular man
telling everyone there “this here is my girl”
Brought her down to her gate
Gave her hugs! kisses! See you laters!
He had made sure she had gone on the first class line
He had offered her even his frequent flyer miles
A thousand miles away! Up the side of the states,
Little Annush went home thinking all was okay!
"Pooh-pooh to Annush!" he was selfishly humming.
"She still doesn’t know that her birthday fun is mine!
"She is off to NY! Doesn’t know what has happened!
"A year from now she’ll cry for a minute or two
"Then all her friends down in DR will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned HWMNBN,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And he planned a vacation for the following year.
So the following year, he heard the sound rising over the sun.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad (at least not like he wanted)!
He had broken her heart that summer in Miami!
She was sad and she cried but not on her birthday!
It turned out to be a VERY happy birthday!
He saw Annush having a smoothie by the beach
He popped his eyes! Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Annush and her buds, the tall and the small,
Were singing! Without any boyfriend at all!
He HADN'T stopped her birthday from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And HWMNBN, with his big-feet in the sand,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without boyfriend! It came without love!
"It came without hugs, kisses or drinks!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then HWMNBN thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Birthdays," he thought, "don't come from moments.
"Maybe Birthdays...perhaps...mean a little bit more!"
And what happened then...? Miami they say
That HWMNBN’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he gave Annush a call! And apologized for all the hurt!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF...!
HWMNBN bought the Veuve Clicquot that day!
As you can see, I'm still hoping for my happy ending.
Thanks Dr. Seuss!


KARAKALA said...

I am speechless... awesome.

No matter the hurt and the pain you have to enjoy life regardless, and you did just that.

You go girl.

Grant said...

Just hunt him down and whack him and be done with it already. Consider it a gift to yourself. :p

Gabemaster said...

I second Grant's opinion.

annush said...

if it only were that easy...

Walter said...

I agree with Grant and Gabemaster, but you could hire a Ninja to take care of it for you.

Bracuta said...

Ja! And since I will hopefuly be one of those that will be with you on your b-day... if I see even a GLIMPSE of HWBNBN anywhere near us, I will gladly take matters into my own hand... and I will call for backup if needed...
Anyone available to stomp on HWMNBN's heart of big feet? CONTACT ME!

Libélula said...

I'm with Grant on this one too.

Jonas said...

Ok, having grown up on Miami Beach I have learned a few things about this place. Miami is a beautiful place. The heat is terrific. But it is also a cess pool filled with assholes. The scummiest human beings live here and you never know who they are. Wealth does not necessarily mean classy behavior. This guy sounds like one of thos pricks. I hope you still had a great birthday. Don't let Miami confuse you. It is a weird place.

annush said...

Jonas: thanks for the sweet words. Though perhaps I am being too nice, he is not really an asshole. Iwould just call him emotionally immature. I don't care about his money...that means nothing to me.

As for my birthday, it's not until next week. I'm just trying to get into the birthday spirit all the while I scare away all the ghosts of birthdays past.

Mona Buonanotte said...

Your poetry is wonderful! I'll never watch The Grinch the same way again! (Tho I have a feeling you're better off without that ol' nasty wasty skunk.)

Reda said...

I feel bad for HWMNBN. He's not with Annush. He's missing all the fun, love and experience because of his inmature behavior.

mw said...

That was so cute/funny. I think we need a picture of him posted beside - maybe you can photoshop it green.

petrow said...

Doctor suess would be proud, i don't know the inside joke, but it was written really well.

Pirate said...

You are a true artist and talented one at that. See if I pissed you off today. I know the Reverend Dr. Abigambi will be calling me tomorrow during my commute and demanding I be locked up. Hope you had a great weekend.

Alexei said...



WonderCorky said...

nasty birthday stealer...

I think you just deserve a special present...



Grant said...

As an alternate ending, I suggest:
"And then Annush chopped his penis off
And used it as a door stop ever since
So everyone lived happily ever after
Except for HWMNBN
Because he's dead
Amen (read: take that)"

val said...

I LOVE THIS... this made me feel a bit better.. dunno why.. but its great indeed.

Pirate said...

I had to come back and read the birthday theft again. You jit all the pistons with it and draw us in well. Keep up the good work.

Bob W. said...

Got me Thinking.......

wopanese said...

HWMNBN. For a second, I thought it meant
Hot White Male Non-Boyfriend Neighbor

Go figure.