Thursday, November 03, 2005

everything happens for a reason.

Sunday night, in an unexpected twist of fate at Yvette's urging, Sarah and I felt the urge to go have some chicken rolls at Pat'e Palo. So we went. We asked for a table inside because the humidity was just terrible and next thing I know we were sitting on the table next to HWMNBN.

As you can probably imagine, I almost died right then and there. My heart was about to shoot out of my chest and as much as I wanted to think that 5 months after the incident and 4 months after the talk I was over him, I was not.

But I had a moment of clarity and the only thing that seemed to make sense at the moment given the circumstances was to be a normal human being and go say hello. I mean, we agreed to not be together but we did agree that we'd be friends so saying hello though it seemed like a monumental gesture was really the least I could do.

So I got up, took a huge gulp of water, a drag of my cigarrette, and walked the 5 steps over in the general direction of his table. I tapped his shooulder, said excuse me and then hello. He got up and hugged me. I don't know how long that hug lasted but considering how everyone in his party kept staring at me I would guess it was probably a little longer than necessary. It was affectionate and it was good.

He introduced me to his entire family, who apparently all knew who I was, and then asked me to join him outside to talk for a few minutes. I forgot all about Sarah who was sitting 5 steps away and we went outside and talked.

"when I got on the plane on Friday, I had the feeling that I was going to run into you..." he said.
"this is so weird..." I said.
"this is not weird, it is simply unexpected..." he said "...and you look really good".

The conversation went something like that with a few mentions of Hurricanes and postcards. I don't know how long we were out there, but for me time had stood still.

After a while we remembered everyone and went back in. As we were walking in, his family was walking out and I don't know exactely what happened but next thing I knew his family was gone and he was asking us if he could join us while we ate.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. I didn't want to make any sudden movements because I was convinced that I was dreaming and I really didn't want to wake up. That moment was just THAT good and I didn't want it to end even though I felt like a traitor because there he was, probably just being a good friend and I was like a lovesick puppy.

But we had a wonderful time. When the time came to leave, he asked me if we had any other plans for the night, to which I said no. I told him that we were coming back to my place and that he was more than welcome to join us for a few more drinks.

We sat by the pool for hours just looking at the stars and catching up. We talked about all the decisions I need to make in the near future, about books, about music, about his projects. For hours we sat there and it was perfect. It felt as good as it always was and as much as I was enjoying the moment as it was (though deep down I really just wanted to make-out but I wasn't going to be the one to break our "friendship deal"), I couldn't help but think that it would soon be over.

At 5am he said that he had to go home. At 5:01am HE kissed ME. At 5:02am I was in trouble.

"No matter what we do or how many talks we have, we are always going to end up like this..." he said.

Monday night he called me and we talked for a little while. I hadn't slept at all since Saturday night so I was exhausted. We didn't see each other then. He went home Tuesday morning.

I don't know what is going to happen after this. He said that he's coming back Thanksgiving week. We talked about seeing each other then. This is the man who broke my heart and yet the possibility of having him in my life again gives my life meaning and hope.

There is a lot I don't know and even more that I don't want to know. I do know that against my better judgement I love him. I do know that all is fair in love and war...

15 comments:

Jonas said...

Funny thing about love. Sometimes it's not a healthy love, but the bitch is you can't choose who you love. You just do. From a man's point of view, it seem like he's dragging you around a little. Loving you when it's convenient for him. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is obviously aware of your feelings and using them to his advantage. I'm not trying to cheapen the moment, because it seems like you two have a very strong chemistry with one another and those are the best kinds of relationships. I hope everything turns out well.

JDOG

K said...

It's so wonderful how love can make us feel. It's heartbreaking when the one we love doesn't feel the same way about us.

Honey, please protect your heart. He's got a hold on you. Jonas seems to have a good perspective on the situation.

Love makes us feel amazing but the trip up is just as crazy as the trip down. Hold on to your heart.

K said...

It's so wonderful how love can make us feel. It's heartbreaking when the one we love doesn't feel the same way about us.

Honey, please protect your heart. He's got a hold on you. Jonas seems to have a good perspective on the situation.

Love makes us feel amazing but the trip up is just as crazy as the trip down. Hold on to your heart.

Tetey said...

Wow!!! The same thing happens to me when I go down to DR and I see M... Wow!! I know exactly what you're feeling....Hope with all my heart that he's not leading you on... Wish you the best!!

Grant said...

"All's fair in love and war..."

So, have sex with him and then dispose of the body when you're through. :-)

vicpichardo said...

avoid him at all costs. if you can't trust yourself around him, don't be around him. especially if he has already hurt you and could do it again.

if he really wants you. he will find a way to get to you.

mw said...

*waiting anxiously to see how it all unfurls*

As I was reading it all came back...being ok on zero amount of sleep, not eating for days...it's a rush, isn't it.

JDOG's mom said...

Hi,
I feel I know you a little from reading your blog, which is very good, and speaking to Jonas. You are an interesting and thoughtful woman.

If everything happens for a reason maybe the "reason" is so YOU have the opportunity to have you head win out over your broken heart. He did it once, he WILL do it again. I know this isn't poetic or romantic, but if you listen to your "better judgment" there is probably something out there that you will never know until you have empowered yourself to allow it into your life. What an opportunity to say "no" to heartache. Easy to say - hard to do.

I hate to be the realist, but there all kinds of love certainly -the only question for you is the kind you want in the most precious years of your life. I mean, how important is all the drama?????????
Only you know.

Vince said...

UGH!

That post gave me all those icky, fluttery feelings.

Good luck!

schuey said...

you are in trouble...

but f*ck it. feels good.

lccb144 said...

buena suerte...

Rachel said...

Hhrrmmmph! You, Miss Annush are just too wonderful to let hwmnbn have this foothold in your life. Don't let him have what some deserving man, who will eventually be part of your life, is waiting to receive from you because he is over the moon at just how perfect you are and that feeling doesn't subside on a whim.
I have been there and I know no one could tell me otherwise at the time but I still think it important to throw it out there by the off chance that you may choose to hear reason instead of lust.

Weary Hag said...

Pretty little lady, proceed with MUCH caution.

It's been my experience that relationships that truly 'fit' don't need a breather in between fits of lust. I don't use lust in a bad way here. I use it wisely. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, and in some ways, it's almost a requirement in a lasting relationship ... but what you want to do here is keep your mind's eye wide open for little red flags that may go up. Have your fun, but pay attention.

It does sound like he's stringing you on a little bit.

Oh I know you'll follow what you want instead of what you actually need (what would be the BEST for you) ... because that's human nature. But read everyone's words here ... have fun, but proceed with caution. You're a precious commodity and one that shouldn't be taken for granted, even for a freaking hour.

All the best to you.

WonderCorky said...

sometimes... its moments like that one... that make you remember..
that you feel..

that you can feel...
that you still want to feel...


I don't give advice... you'll not heed what anyone says any way..

that's why I always say just do what comes natural...

sometimes we force things to happen... sometimes we don't...


I would have probably made out with him... but.. ick.. I'm a guy...
let me rephrase that... I probably would have made out with you...

so... he kissed you...

did he REALLY kiss you? or did he just... kiss....

and you know what I mean...

here's hoping he REALLY kissed you...

peace

WC

Libélula said...

Man...I don't wanna rain on your parade, sweetie, but remember why you broke up in the first place...I am finally free of MY HWMNBN and I tell you this: it never gets easier, but sometimes being strong menas being able to let go...