Saturday, November 19, 2005

focus and regrets...

I don't have very many regrets in my life. Sure, I have my fair share of things that I wish I could do over, but regrets per se, maybe a couple and for whatever reason being in Miami is a reminder of these things.

I am not sad. Really.

Yet last night, while smoking a cigarrette and amusing myself by myself looking at the people and the buildings around Collins Ave., and of course, in the general direction of where I felt I should have been, I couldn't help but feel angry (and sad)...maybe at myself, maybe at someone else, maybe even at the world.

Being here is hard for me because it's a reminder of a time in my life when I hated the person I was and who I was becoming. It's hard because last night while we (Yvette and I) were walking to the movie theatre I had to focus in walking forward so that I wouldn't look back-and I mean this literally.

Some of the best things in my life happened to me here but also some of the worst and though common sense tells me that moving here would be the best for me on a number of levels, I do have to wonder if I could handle anymore heartache. Would I survive it?

I came here Thursday to explore my options and try to do the right thing. Now I worry that maybe I've lost focus. Then I look in the general direction of where I shouldn't be looking and I feel broken, but somehow I feel like I am home. And it confuses me because I have never found comfort in being a massochist yet these days I've picked up some really fuckt up mantras.

Whatever happens I want to get past this stage in my life...I really do. But it's hard to let it go...

If there is one thing I regret in my life is this:

About a year and a half ago (June 2004) I was on my way here from NY to go to a friend's wedding. Everything having to do with the planning of that trip was difficult but out of loyalty, I stuck to it. The day of the flight, I went to the airport to find that the flight was delayed and 8 hours later it was cancelled. Again, out of loyalty I did everything in my power to get on the first flight out even if it wasn't to the right airport. It took almost 24 hours to make it from NY to Miami.

I wish I had followed the signs and never gotten on that flight...

PS- I saw Harry Potter. I highly recommend it. :)

4 comments:

Libélula said...

I already told you his but I will say it again: things happen for a reason, Annush...It's up to you to know wether or not you will let those things run your life...you know what you want...don't let anyTHING or anyONE make you lose focus, ok???

Jonas said...

I grew up on Miami Beach. With all its beauty, it's a cesspool. Unless you have a lot of money and no interest in anything cultural, you'd be wasting your life there.

Graduate of Miami Beach Senior High,

JDOG

WonderCorky said...

sounds like you're pressing...


but then... who am I to talk about things like that...

I press all the time...

oh well.. just do...

peace

WC

WonderCorky said...

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!