Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Breathe baby breathe!

When I first woke up this morning I had 17 different things I wanted to write about and now that I am sitting in front of the computer my mind is blank. I hate it when that happens!! I suppose this is the reason why people shouldn't really plan...

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"

Anyway, these days life in the Annush household has been extremely tense. At first I thought that everyone was just on a mission to piss off everyone else but apparently that's not it. I can't really put my finger on each individual reason but everyone is stressed out about something and that stress is affecting everybody else.

People (my friends and family) have always said that I'm weird because I am such a loner. It's true. Yet despite the fact that I love to be alone I'm EXTEMELY sociable. It's hard to explain. I've lived alone since I was about 19. For some reason I find comfort and peace in knowing that at the end of the day, when I am done dealing with the world I can just go home and hang out alone (I REALLY enjoy my own company!) or with a friend(s) who will sooner or later go home.

I like to be alone and I think that there are probably about 2 or 3 people in the world with whom I would willingly share my space indefinitely. Regretfully, I don't think that my family members are included in those 2 or 3 people.

Being home after so long for what has felt like such an extended period of time, has been very emotionally draining. Everyday is a struggle between the role I was assigned as a child growing up and the person I grew up to be because sadly it doesn't seem like we ever outgrow the role our parents assign for us.

Everytime my mom treats me like I am 5 years old I want to bash my head (or hers) against the wall!!

"Where are you going?" "out"
"With who?" "people"
"When are you coming back?" "eventually"

I wouldn't mind being here as much as I do if people would just let me be. If I am hungry, I'll eat. If I need something, I'll get it. Sometimes so much attention is suffocating and when it comes from a number of sources then all it does is make things worse. This is probably why I spend so much time out.

Call me ungrateful, because I am sure that it might seem that way; however, I am very appreciative of what I have. I just wish that I hadn't been brought up so sheltered and with such an excess of everything because maybe that way things now would be different and at 26 I wouldn't have to spend so much energy trying to assert my independence like I had to do back when I was 16.


Grant said...

You're ungrateful. Hey, you told me to say it. Do you need a chill pill? Shall I bring you one? How about some oxygen or heroin? :p

Actually, I'm with you. I can't stand being smothered with attention, even the well-intended kind. That's why I like blogging - you're there when I need you and someplace else when I don't.

Jonas said...

That is why I do not want to move back with my mother. She gets insulted and thinks I don't like her but she doesn't understand that I am at a point in my life where I want independence and a 26 year old man really shouldn't be living with his mother. I mean what would girls think?

If I move to Cali, then I might because it is so expensive out there but I am really hesitant. This discovered passsion for Photography is messing me up. I am considering applying to the San Francisco Art Institute. Their photography program was created by Ansel Adams and Annie Leibowitz is an alumni.

Ahhhhh life is but a dream....

AlRo said...

I can't be in a house with my mother longer than 2 hours before she starts to irritate me!!

She wonders why i don't call or visit?? all she wants to do is fight... why would I, willingly subject myself to that??

Nuni said...

¡que vaina! Hang in there, do as you have been doing, staying out. That was my same exact strategy when I lived with my grandmother (who passed away in '04). It made our time as housemates much better. Oh, and you can imagine, I miss her now more than I could have ever imagined then.