As usual, today I woke up at 5am. I went to school and did my thing. By 10am I was hungry so I had a snack. The day seemed too long and by the time class was over I needed a break. So I went running. I didn't run very far- just a mile and a half- but I did an hour long work out. It felt necesasry. Today I was overwhelmed.
Next week is going to be a long week but I started feeling it today. Maybe it is the uncertainty of what's coming, maybe it is the fact that I still feel unprepared. Either way, I felt like the world was crashing upon me and I didn't like it. I need sleep. I needed to go out. I need to understand Chemistry. I needed to feel a warm body near me. I needed a cookie. I need my biology to do itself. I needed my hair to behave. I need Sally to give birth so I don't have to carry her knocked up ass around. I need or needed a lot of things.
But as all good things come to those who wait, I had my cookie before I went to meet Phillip for a drink or two of three or four. That was good. There were an additional few friends who reminded me that I need not stress so much. At least not on a Friday. There I found my warm body which turned out to not be so warm. Not nearly as warm as I wanted it to be. But that was okay. I got what I wanted and that was too feel cute. I forgot about my poofed up hair though sometimes it is within that poofiness that I recognize myself.
I am exhausted. I wanted to be exhausted so that I may finally sleep, which I haven't really in a number of days. Whether this insomnia has come back because it's part of my nature or because I'm stressed out is immaterial, the fact of the matter is that I want a night's sleep that's not interrupted neither by an out of whack internal clock nor a crazy dream of gigantic Advil bottles filled with ecstasy and Yvette running around in a yellow cheerleading outfit.
People are making crazy and I really do wonder if it's them or if it's me. Because I've always believed that if it's one thing maybe that's the problem but if it's two or more maybe the problem is me, this thought is pestering me and I want it to go away. The one person who can keep me focused lingers though at this point they are not a part of me.
This weekend I have to focus on my school work and I don't want to though I know I should. But my mind is busy and I can't clear it long enough to have a thought that's truly my own. what do I do? Don't answer that. This is one of those times that don't want any advice. That cookie and a cup of coffee will help me sort things out. Because even if I am now overwhelmed, I know what I should do and the things I want can take a backseat until i can focus on something else.
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3 comments:
This isn't advice; just an obsrvation. honestly think that school can be the most difficult part of life because it's 24/7
Know when I was in grad school all I could think of was the next thing I had to do
And when all was said and done, it was great preperation--for blogging extensively;-)
No taught me to be even more disciplined than I already was
Sorry I haven't commented lately, been swamped!!!!!!!!!
In trying to be funny I have been sitting here trying to think of a cheer from my grade school days to leave as a comment. I'm old and I can't remember shit. That's what all that damn pot will do to you.
"with insomnia, everything is a copy, of a copy, of a copy"
Fight Club
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