What should I say?
I see you there standing and I am afraid...
There is some merit in being a cold person. Personally, as we have already established, I am not one of those; however, sometimes I think that I would be better off if I were. Maybe that way, I wouldn't be so exposed and ultimately so vulnerable. Most of the time, I don't care that I am the way I am but sometimes I wish I was different.
A couple of days ago, my friend Schuey wrote a post about the women he loved. In it, he said that "I notice that I can’t “be” with women who show their affection toward me. It grosses me out. " Later, while in conversation, he said that he thought it was German thing. I don't think that's it at all. I think it's a power trip. And it ultimately shows that he is the one who has the power...a power I wish I had...even if it was so I could pretend.
There is a power struggle in everything. One has the power one doesn't. That goes for every kind of relationship. Very rarely will you find an even playing field, well intentioned though the players may be.
HWMNBN and I spent time together last week. Originally, I had every intention of being cold and aloof. I don't know why in my mind that made sense. I wanted to be a wolf in sheep's clothing and yet, the reflection on the glass door was that of a little girl in yellow shorts and a tank top trying to contain a feeling bigger than her. Which I was and I was.
I can't love someone and not show it and by the same token, I can't not feel loved. For me it is important that we know and that the world knows in the corniest possible way. Because that way there is no misunderstanding. Because even if the words aren't there, you just know.
So, yeah...I am not cool in that way. "Cool people" like Schuey or like those people who hide behind power suits and go through life controling everything from their work to their emotions may be better in a lot of ways and make me feel like an everyday Jane. I wish I could do that...be like them so that if nothing else I could hide the heartache I feel right now. But that's not me.
I am like a child in that I need affection and I need displays of it all the time or my insecurities kick in and I feel unloved. That's part of who I am: If I love you, you know. If I hate you, you know too.
I'm not German, and right now I think that this realization has made me gross myself out...