Monday, May 29, 2006

Delayed reactions

It's been four days and today it hit me.

Like that one day, when it took a walk to Starbucks to make me break down, today I woke up and I felt broken. Once again, I felt incomplete because I was reminded of what it felt like to be whole.

I woke up, took a shower, got in my car and started driving. It was then that I felt like I had no air. I made it to school and somehow I sat through three hours of biophysics. Rather than going to the gym, during my break I came home. Once again I feel like the life is being sucked out of me because I am back to that unnatural state that is life without him in it. My mom asked me to go pick Sally up at the vet so I did. While I waited I held someone's Lulu trying to comfort myself because nobody can comfort me. Not without the "I told you so" or the "you should have known better". I came back home and Ivan asked me to do something for him so I did. Then, against my will, I sat down to eat and pretended I liked it when in reality I couldn't even taste what I was eating. Ivan called. I was eating. I called back, there was no answer. I asked my mom to play with my hair. She wouldn't because I've been moody. Ivan comes home we get into a fight. I can't even argue because I have no strength. So we just yell and I know it's stupid fight but he is pissed off and in some levels it is my fault but I have no strength to say it is my fault or to apologize. So I let him leave. I sit on the couch and sip on my coffee. Tears cloud my vision but I don't want to cry. Because it would be too obvious. I don't want anyone to know that I'm pissed off because I am sad. I'd rather let them think that I'm just being a bitch. So I came to the office. Alone. Wondering if I'm being stupid, if I was stupid, when I thought that maybe this time it would be different because that night it was different. I looked at myself in the mirror and the bruise has faded but it's still there. So once again I know it really happened. And I hate my body for being a reminder. And I can't help myself but cry because no matter how many times I tell myself that I am complete as I am, when I am finally making some progress he comes back and I know then that I am not whole. That everything is too much. That breathing is painful because we don't share the same space. And I miss him...

because against my better judgement I know that it is only when HWMNBN and I are together that we find ourselves in our most natural state...

7 comments:

jackt said...

Aww...hope you feel better soon..

Bracuta said...

It's OK to cry, it's OK to feel bad, it's OK to miss him. It's all part of you.
To those who want to say "I told you so" or "you should've known better", brush them off. There's nothing wrong in being in love. And love brings all of that with it.
If it makes you feel any better, we can go up to my roof and cry and bitch and shout... and I will never judge you for it (and neither will my neighbors)...

Libélula said...

Honey, you're still not over him? Welcome to the Club!!! There are people that we never, ever get entirely over...and it's OK to feel like that...If love were always easy, we wouldn't value it as much as we do. Cheer up, Babe!

quico said...

Thanks for sharing that with us;
for letting us read you at your most vulnerable; for making me envy/hate HWMNBN...

Rainypete said...

Matters of the heart are the worst to deal with since logic leaps out the window like a stock broker in a market crash.

Winch said...

Love is a great big black hole: it sucks when you're in it... it sucks when you're out of it.

miss e. said...

aw your post almost made me cry b/c i know how it feels...