Sometimes I think that this blog is useless. What's more, sometimes I forget that other people read all my nonsense. I read the comments and although I know that someone's got to write them, it often feels like there is a comment fairy who bounces around the internet looking for people who need attention and gives it to them.
Well, I remember that this is not the case when stuff happens and after it goes full circle I realize that it happened because of something I said here.
My blog isn't a secret. It was never intended to be a secret. On the contrary, I thought it was a good way to keep people updated on what's going on in my life and head without actually having to tell them. The fact that people I have never met found their way here was a bonus.
The other day I received a comment from someone who is a part of my life. Not necessarily a friend per se, but an acquaintance. For one second I was a little bit embarrassed because on the most part, there is a lot of fragmented, one-sided information here and for someone who knows me so little the information could be misleading. so it freaked me out. But then I got over it because I don't have to justify myself to anyone and this is something I sometimes forget.
Yesterday, I received an email from my good friend Tiffany. She is in NYC. I have always known that she reads my blog but it caught me off guard to receive an email of concern based on what I have been throwing out there for the world to see the past couple of weeks. A lot of what she said was right and there was some stuff that I had to explain. but she read through the fragments and understood my perspective so that conversation was cathartic.
For two weeks now, a friend of mine has been asking me for the URL so she can come "read my life" as she puts it. She thinks that here she is going to find the secret to happiness. I don't know. I worry that her expectations of this (and me) are too high. So counting on her terrible short term memory I just say it really fast and hope that she'll forget it. Which she does and I am relieved. Because this is someone who will look at the fragments and seek to find the whole and well, that's my personal truth.
This morning a stranger wrote to me. Well, a stranger to me though I am not to them. This person sent me a really nice email that I worried was sent to the wrong person. They like the person I am. I wonder if they would think the same thing if they actually knew me?
Normally, I don't edit my writings and I do this on purpose. I don't edit my existance so editing my writings would be a bit hypocritical. It's easy to like someone when all you know is what they want to tell you...but it's also easy to dislike someone when what they keep to themselves is different from what the eye can see...
I don't know if that made sense.
The heat is making crazy.