Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The dream he had.

I learned a long time ago with that one situation I don't like to talk about, that sometimes it is best to play dumb. I learned that there are very few people in life I'd confess to seeing their significant others with someone else. By the same token (and this is something I never had to think about before) if found in a situation where a friend had, I don't know, maybe turned into a crackhead or something, I'd deal with them personally rather than going and getting other people involved-as long as I had the choice.

Which doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate it if someone came and told me flat out "annush, your bf is cheating on you", or maybe "annush you are turning into a crackhead" (which has happened but on neither of these charges)

In theory, I am a psychologist. I went to school to be an "expert" in human behavior. I watch people all the time. I also like to watch myself. And if there is one thing I've always noticed is that people change and as they go though different things in life, they change even more drastically. I am not any different. I am not any better. It's all a matter of how you handle things.

Would I worry about someone who doesn't leave the house and stays there drunk 24/7? YES. Would I worry about someone who seems happy and takes on a strange sociability and becomes "happily promiscuous"? YES. Would I worry about someone who has issues but is trying to make the best of their situation? Probably not. Depending on the situation, I'd even dare to say not so much.

Being lonely is one thing, having a problem is another entirely different.

My brother seems to think I am "depressed" and I don't know why. Apparently he woke up yesterday morning and decided that my quietness qualifies as some civilized form of a cry for help. HWMNBN called me today. I am guessing that this dream of my brother's extended far beyond the confines of his villa at the beach and so he decided to call for back-up.

(I don't wanna ask HWMNBN as with him, I'd rather not know)

In any case, all this unwanted attention is stressing me out.

Under normal circumstances, I am the first to say "I need a hug" or "hey, I wanna talk!" It wouldn't be the first time I said this if I were to say this now. Believe it or not, I've gone through a lot and I've never asked for help, unless I've really needed it.

To be completely honest, right now I'm lonely...which is by no means the same as being depressed. I know people, sure, but they don't make me feel like my friends do when they call me up and tell me they are hanging out or when I hear that they are plotting some mayhem without me. And yes, this makes me sad.

But I have just moved to a strange place and this means that I have to shift a lot of what I believe in...a lot of what I like. And this takes time. I don't qualify this as depression. This is just a temporary personal setback to get to the greater goal...

Am I working to get through it? I like to think that I am. I go through this every time I move somewhere else...except that nobody has dreams about me being depressed or anything else. Am I going to get through it? Yes, because I am a fighter and I refuse to be a story with an unhappy ending.

I am not a statistic, I am not a celebrity, I am not a martyr. I am simply someone trying to build a life. And I will. Quit having dreams and give me a chance.


Miss Nina said...

Hey, it's normal to feel downs sometimes, it's necessary even. This helps you appreciate the good times.
As for the loneliness, I like this sentence said by Ursula Rucker: 'I've learned from loneliness, lonely can be sweet'.
You see, you've moved to a strange place and it takes time to meet the people that are really meant for you.
Not just people to hang around you.
You need to concentrate on the things you like doing. And the people will come to you..

Rainypete said...

Life is full of these waves. Some good and some bad. So long as they don't pull you under you'll be fine.

It's nice that he cares enough to worry but I would think he's barking up the wrong tree here.