I wish I could find a better way to document my friendship with Dan other than these few pictures. I wish there was something I could do or say to fully grasp the essence of who we are other than by telling a number of stupid anecdotes nobody will find funny but him.
Dan and I are friends. The best of friends. Thirteen years ago we found each other and have been important to each other since. We've been together for holidays, birthdays, special events. During a time that now feels so far away, he was my prom date. Together we've explored foreign lands and even nearby places. We made traditions and smiled thinking back on them once they were replaced (Japanese food at East, Starbucks in Columbus Circle, farmer markets on weekends, and bad movies and drinks in either of our living rooms). Even our families have shared in our friendship!
Contrary to popular belief Dan and I have never dated. Once we shared a kiss that more than a romantic thing only reaffirmed our commitment to the friendship and served as evidence that we would never be anything more than best friends.
Our friendship has survived the test of time, distance, obnoxious significant others and bad judgment calls. We always said that we would be best friends forever because I don't think either one of us really thought the other one would change, and what's more we believed [or I believed] that nothing would change what we mean to each other and stupid though this may sound I always found comfort in knowing that on MySpace we are each other's number 1.
But Dan has gotten engaged and last night I went to bed to the thought that I lost my partner in crime and today I woke up to find that for the first time in 13 years I am number 2 and I have a feeling of loss far greater than any other feeling I have ever felt before.
Yesterday I spoke to him to the sound of popping corks and laughter, because even if I wasn't physically there, he wanted me there.
All I could do was hang up.
Dan is marrying someone I have never even met. Someone who right now holds the power to destroy what came so naturally over the years and it's killing me. It's killing me because I don't remember life without him. Because I know what a woman could make him do.
I want to be happy for my friend but the harder I try the more that I grieve. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He said it wouldn't be and I believed him. And we were both dead wrong.
Right now I am being the ultimate bitch...I just hope he knows this is because I love him so much.