Less than 0

Some years ago a friend bought me a pair of Erin Skinny Jeans from Abercrombie and Fitch. I had been lusting over those for a few weeks and after a trip to NY I think it was, Eny just showed up with them and gave them to me over pita chips at Pranzo.

I still have them.
Those jeans and I have been through a lot these past few years.

There wouldn't be any particular significance to this story if I didn't say what made those jeans special for me. This is the part of the story that has meant the most to me.

For years I have been battling with my weight. This is a struggle that has at times felt like it's what defines me. It has at times become an obsession but on the most part it's simply a part of my life.

That was my first pair of size 0 skinny jeans and I remember going to the bathroom and trying them on freaked out only to find that they fit perfectly. Because they fit me so well, I wore them a lot and so they served me as the standard of how I felt I should be and they felt like my prize for all the hard work I'd put in.

Since I came back from Italy I've been wearing a lot of skirts and dresses. None of my pants have been getting much wear. Last week I washed the jeans and meant to wear them for work only to find that I couldn't fit into them.

So naturally, I had a mini-nervous breakdown.

The realization that I am no longer a perfect size 0 destroys me. I see the scale hover over the 120 mark and I freak out. Yet, I tried on every pair of pants I own to see if it was true, and it was. After painful calculations, it turns out I gained 8 pounds. I feel like I am failing at the most important Annush project I've ever embarked on and I know that it's crazy because I often say to myself that I could use a few pounds, but I can't help myself.

So now I obsess, go to the gym, and I diet, except that I am a terrible dieter-hence the cause of all my problems. And I worry. About a lot of things. About the future. And growing older. And who I am going to be...like each pound I gain would make a difference.

This has triggered my own mini mid life crisis. Though I guess that now that I'm turning 30, I could expect those more regularly...

In any case, I am back to my more healthy habits, which is the only upside to this whole ordeal, and I hope that by my birthday I can wear the jeans well again.