The video.

Years and years ago I made Yvette a video.

Years and years ago = 13 years ago. And it was then that sixteen year old me made a good bye video for her best friend who was moving away.

Thirteen years ago moving away felt permanent and I thought she would forget me so I made a video that encompassed all the silly things that we did and all the things that I felt towards her. Tonight, sitting around a kitchen table with her [Yvette] and Amanda [our other HS BFF] while we were reminiscing about the way things were, the aforementioned video came into play.

This video that had meant so much to me, I had forgotten.

We sat there and talked and in pieces it all came back to me and it was then that Yvette got up and came back holding a small video tape. Needless to say, we got all excited. After calling every Best Buy and Radio Shack in a 50 mile radius we found the adapter and we all got in the car and went to buy this gadget so that we could watch the video.

I am not going to lie, I was excited. I was somewhat fearful too because I didn't remember EVERYTHING that was in the video and we were pretty wild so it could have been a lot. But mostly, I wanted to revisit the dynamic of our relationships when we were 16.

So we made a few Bellinis, sat down in front of the TV and pressed play.

And Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals showed up.

Apparently 5 years ago, Yvette and her then boyfriend made a video for a contest being hosted by the Food Network. A few days later, boyfriend mailed the tape. Five years later we come to find that he mailed the wrong the tape.

They didn't win their Food Network contest but we also lost the "us" that was contained in that tape. And now we are sad. I am sad. Because if I didn't remember the tape before and now I am still not sure of what was in it, I feel like I lost all the emotion that I poured into making something special for someone I loved a lot who I thought I would loose for good.

I am sad. And I Yvette was sad too. And as we watched this video about kitchens and Rachel Ray, I just held Yvette's hand and thought to myself "for what is worth, we are together now".

Sixteen-Seventeen-EighteenYvette-Amanda-Ana

I think therefore I am...

...and as such, I am sure than I think that I am glad that Lauren exists and that she is finally back from her Holiday back home in NJ...

Lauren and I go waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back...back to high school...back to NJ...back to the days when life was easy and boys wanted to kiss you while you were returning pages on pay phones- which incidentally I found an email making me aware of such things today but this isn't the time to discuss it.

My current friend Lauren wasn't my friend in High School. In fact, it took 10+ years for us to be friends. But it's okay. Somehow- after an awkward meeting at Publix- we managed to build something special and even though I am certain that it is because we come from the same place and in the great land of Miami people are in fact weird, it is something that I truly value.

Today we went to Novecento after one of many things we did "on principle" and I liked that...the principle. I thought I was the only person who acted on principle. I like the principle.

This is very stream of consciousness, I know. But I am happy. I am happy because this first Friday of the year I had a really good time with someone who shares the key to my past, the values of my present and wants to be part of my future. My friend Lauren rocks and I wish that I would have known that 10+ years before.

People certainly change and I am glad that through all this change (in life, location, etc.) I have someone who understands where I come from, where I want to go and who not only thinks that the people around me are special but is special to the people around me.

Special is good.

The pie that almost was but wasn't...

Thanks for ruining my pie. REALLY.

To my friend:

I know what I said and now I think that maybe I shouldn't have said it. Or at least not in that way.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling...

You were dealt a crappy hand and I wish I could help you fix it but I can't. I wish I could help you justify it to yourself but I can't do that either.

All I can say is that you did what you felt you HAD to do...and regrettable though it may be, at the time it's what you HAD to do and then did.

Life goes on though. Your life at least. And cutting it short is not an option just because you feel ashamed. People go through this all the time and people like us don't approve of it but it doesn't necessarily make it wrong...everyone is different and circumstances change.

I love you. A lot of people love you. It may not be what you need to hear. It may never be enough to replace what you purposely lost. It may not change things. But it's something that should be enough of a reason to make you want to live. It should make you want to be better so that next time you can be better.

It is easy to say "I would never" "Nobody should ever" "This is wrong". But nothing is ever easy even when you want it. When you are in a position to play the cards and do it well. I didn't realize this before and I am sorry if I caused you more anguish than you already felt.

I am sorry you had to go through this.

But like everything else, I hope this is a lesson learned and a reason to stay alive...because if nothing else, you have the rest of your life to be better than the person you were the other day.

xox-
ana