Friday, January 06, 2006

Everything I need to know I learned from my bitches!

I have 5 dogs.

Originally it was just 3: Katerina, Charlie and Sparkie; but on a day unlike any other Katerina and Charlie hooked up and 5 beautiful puppies were born.

Legend has it (I was in NY at the time so I don't really know for sure) that the day Katerina and Charlie did the nasty it was funny as hell. Katerina is a 15 pound Lhasa Apso whereas Charlie is a 4.5 pound teacup Maltese. Back then, Katerina was not fond of Charlie at all. I think she was still bitter over the fact that after he came along she lost her "only child" status. Hard to say.


As I was saying, Kat is way bigger than Charlie but being the cool bitch she is, she laid down on the floor so that he could hump her properly. So he did. The thing was that after they were done, she didn't want him on her anymore but as you may or may not know, the dogs stay physically stuck together for about 10-15 minutes after the deed. I call this mandatory cuddling (which is better than the tarantula head biting bit). Anyway, she didn't want to stay there and cuddle so she basically dragged him around the house by his penis until she finally released him.

A number of weeks later, May 3, Katerina had 6 beautiful puppies. Only 5 survived. We kept 2: Sally and Poochie.

It's been about 8 months since they were born and now Sally is in heat for the first time. She has been spending the bulk of her nights barking and her days moping around kinda' like I do when I have really bad cramps. And she whimpers and cries a lot because we are not letting her hang out with the other dogs like she usually does.

Charlie, Sparkie and Poochie are each dying to have a go at her. It's actually quite funny because it seems to me like there is not much difference between aimals and people. First they circle her, then they make out with her (I didn't know dogs made out but apparently they do), then they go sniff her bootie, then they get in humping position and then someone drops cold water on their head because none of them is getting anything!

Yesterday I was playing with them in the yard all the while keeping an eye on the dogs so that they don't deflower poor little Sally. In the two seconds I was on the phone, Sparkie (who is a25 lbs Lhasa!) was trying to get on top of Sally. At first I was pissed, but then I noticed that fat ass Sparky tried to get on little her (she is like 8 lbs) with such energy that rather than get himself properly situated so they could get it on, he literally pancaked her on the floor. And she cried. And I laughed. And then he thought I would let him try again. HA!

I love my dogs...they are amusing as heck! I can't imagine not having them as they teach me new lessons every single day. Each dogs has his/her own unique personality and they make themselves understood. I don't know how anyone can not be a dog person!

The lesson I have learned (or should have learned) from my girl dogs being in heat is the following: Don't get it on with guys who are PHYSICALLY too small or too big...they take too much effort...hahahaha

1 comment:

Grant said...

"First they circle her, then they make out with her, then they go sniff her bootie, then they get in humping position and then someone drops cold water on their head because none of them is getting anything!"

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me. :p