stop pressuring me.

Apparently blogs are not anonymous. I know that in my case it doesn't make a difference because this blog has only been intermitently anonymous but deep down this ruling is unsettling because certain things should be kept private should the writer deem it so- AS LONG AS it's not a threat to someone's well being (calling someone a skank is not a threat to their well-being).

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I know I've been M.I.A. lately. I've been busy turning 30 and dealing with all of that fun stuff. Patrick Swayze died today and these days it seems like a lot of people are checking out... It makes me think that maybe they know something we don't...

Death is a part of life and I like to believe that death is the end of it. I don't believe in heaven or hell but I find comfort in knowing that there is a definite end- like a story. The End. I do believe in lagacies though, and the connections we forge and the people we change.

Years ago, when I was a young girl, I remember when Michael and Janet Jackson released that song "Scream". I always thought that was the coolest song ever because it was a brother and sister collaboration which automatically made it extra-awesome. I saw that video earlier as shown on the VMAs.

I have 2 brothers I love dearly. I can't imagine trying to live through life without them. And there was Janet, dancing with her dead brother in homage of him.

She is a better person than me.

I wouldn't have been able to. Even in memoriam.

"It's always easier to leave than to be left behind" -DM

RI.P. LeRoi Moore.

I hope your grave is shallow so that you can feel the rain.

...and in one second we lost 2 friends...

All day yesterday I had been busy recovering from the night before.
You see, while I was laughing and having fun they were taking their last breaths.

I found out via Facebook because I hadn't been in the mood to answer the phone. It hurt me. When it became a good time to call people back, it hurt more.

I imagined them getting in the car.
They were very close friends so I imagine that they at least smiled talking about something trivial while driving to that destination they would never reach. During those last minutes they probably looked at each other. And just like that it was over.

Then I thought of Stone Temple Pilots. And again I thought of them. One died on impact and the other on the way to the hospital. Again I thought of STP.

"If you should die before me -Ask if you can bring a friend" sang Scott Wyland...

He did. He could.
And if we are sad over this tragic loss- a double loss- they spent the last of their time here on earth in good company and no matter where they are now, they are probably together. And this very fact leads me to believe they are alright...

They will be missed.

In loving memory of Cesar and Joy.

G.

You won... and I didn't even know I was in competition with anyone- let alone someone I didn't even know existed.

I wish I had found out some other way.

3 days later
-2 pounds later
a box of tissues later

it hasn't gotten any easier.

Saturday night I died and you were what killed me... and to think that you seemed nice enough that we could have been friends.

But I love him.
More than he has ever known.
And as you kissed me hello and goodbye, you didn't know that.

And I probably will never stop loving him
But you are the girlfriend
and I'll respect that.

But make him happier than I ever could...
it'll justify the sadness I feel now.

Because I will one day get old...

So yesterday I became aware of my mortality. Goodie!

I have been in the work-force for years and years and years and I have never been worried about or even interested in what will happen to me when I get old. The Social Security debate is something that has held my attention for minutes at a time but I never really gave it much attention because that didn't apply to me...I wasn't going to get old. Old age happens to other people...

But in a mere week and 3 days I will be turning 28 years old and certain things are beginning to worry me all the while I've become exposed to some other things that maybe 3 or 4 years ago weren't worth my attention.

My new job is great. I love it. They think about all the things I don't and plan for me so I don't have to. This week we talked about retirement and my 401K. I probably wouldn't have talked about it EVER had someone not brought it up first.

Filling out the paperwork I was very nervous. Truth be told, I felt like I was signing a permission slip that would allow me to get old. BUt I knew that the time had come for me to start planning for EVERYTHING. This year I took out my very first life insurance policy and here I am now...first I worried about dying and then about the process of dying. EEK!

I signed up for a 401 K account and 6% of my salary is going to go to that (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!) but it's a good opportunity because my employer matches my contributions so that is very cool. This is money that knowing me, I would never save on my own and even if I did, I probably would wrap it up in aluminum foil and stuff it in my freezer!

I started planning for the future and I feel a little bit old, but my friend V thinks that I'm maturing. It might be a little of both.

One less thing to worry about.