"Ana, your whole life I've tried to give you direction but you are unmanageable! You really a free spirit but you need to find out where you are going"
I think that's my mom's favorite thing to say to me. For as far back as I can remember I have heard her say those very words to me, or a variation of them, and today was no exception.
For a few days now, there has been quite a bit of excitement in my household for a number of reasons. There has been a lot of planning going on and many decisions are being made based on those plans.
Back in July I applied to NYU for their M.S. in Nutrition program. Although this is something completely unrelated to Public Relations, which is how I have managed to earn a living for the past number of years, or even writing, which is something I have always done, I felt and still feel that this is something I could excell at.
I was encouraged by everyone to apply.
Two days ago I found out that I was accepted into the program.
In the midst of all the excitement I felt for simply being accepted (not that I was surprised because I finished my undergrad work with honors and all), knowing that I still have a number of issues I need to work out before I can even seriously consider starting this January, mommy dearest had to come and rain on my parade (both before AND after she bragged about it to every single person she spoke to since she heard the news).
I love my mother dearly and there isn't a doubt in my mind that she loves me too and wants nothing but the best for me; however, when she gives her opinions about things, especially if they are opposite to what you may be thinking, she will make you feel like shit about your original plan (the lawyer in her). As a result, and I hate to admit it, at times I have done the opposite of what she said just so I can feel like I can control my own life (the rebel in me).
"Ana, your whole life I've tried to give you direction but you are unmanageable! You really a free spirit but you need to find out where you are going"
This statement I've learned to know so well, came after a long speech about what a great PR person I am and how promising my career can be if I just apply myself.
If I just apply myself
As with everything I do, I have been applying myself since day 1 but I can't find the joy in wanting to do that for the rest of my life. I could maybe push it for a few more years, but I have to ask myself, then what? I know myself...
"You are just like your father. You are setting yourself up to be a professional student"
If that was the case, what is wrong with that?
Two weeks ago I went to Miami to explore an opportunity that arose over there. Ever since the topic of Miami came up I have been hearing her talk about how that may not be the right decision. She has reminded me tiredlessly about how much I hated the place back when I lived there, she has gone so far as to say that I'm running away from my future so I can go look for something that may not even exist.
Yesterday Miami became the place where I NEED to be.
I am lost. This is one of those times when I am really trying to do the right thing and I am getting nowhere. Sure, I want to go back to school but by the same token the Miami idea wasn't all that bad. I know that now she is working on the "pick the lesser of the two evils" mode; but that's getting me nowhere.
For the first time in my life I am desperately looking to listen and to take someone's good advice and the person I lvoe and trust the most is confusing the living lights out of me all the while she is making me feel terrible for wanting the things I have recently wanted. I know myself, and because I do I won't deny that the possibility that I could turn into a professional student exists; however, even if I were to take another PR job it would only be a matter of time before I got tired again and wanted to do something else.
I'm a nomad and a non-conformist. Bad combination.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Two very enthusiastic thumbs up!
I normally try to keep from writing about (or even mentioning) these things; but today during a conversation I had with a friend, I stumbled across this post .
All I have to say is Wow!
I was reminded of... stuff... you know, the kind dreams (or fantasies or even memories) are made of...
All I have to say is Wow!
I was reminded of... stuff... you know, the kind dreams (or fantasies or even memories) are made of...
"Yo allí disfrutando de tu morbo enfermizo.
Fui dócil, mientras seguía inmerso en tu risa casi fantasmal."
Monday, November 28, 2005
Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...
I mailed my grad school application back in July. To this day, the fine people of NYU haven't given me a response and bear in mind that the program I applied for begins in January. Today I have every intention of raising hell via telephone and if that doesn't work, I'm going to fly to NY this week. The next year of my life is hanging in the balance and all they can say to me is to be patient. Patient. I don't have that much patience. No wonder I have been in such a bad mood lately!
I had said that the only way I would go back to NY was if I got into my desired program. In fact, to make sure that I kept my eye on the ball, I didn't even apply to any other school (not that there were so many options but still). My plan B was that if NYU didn't work out, I would move elsewhere. I didn't know where to, all I knew was that my time in NY was up and that I wasn't going to push it. It had gotten too cold, too uptight, too expensive, etc...
Some of my goals in life include owning a home, having a dog and a child, leading a life where I can enjoy nature somehow, among other things and in NY I wasn't going to be able to do any of it under my terms. So I chose to go. I thought about moving south so I could remain close to my family. I've said before that I needed to live in a place where there is an international airport within 50 miles and somewhere that's at least conducive to being outside. The two cities that matched the description were Miami and Atlanta. People have also suggested some pretty great cities out west, but if I am going to go far I'd rather go to Europe.
With my sabbatical soon coming to an end, yesterday my mom started asking me where I am going to go, if I am even going to go (she wants me to stay). I still don't know. I already lived in Miami and hated it enough to leave but as I've gotten older I've learned to enjoy it. By the same token, I've never even been to Atlanta but I know that it's one of the top 10 fastest growing cities in America. There are huge reasons why I shouldn't move to Miami (HWMNBN) but I ask myself if someone like me would be able to survive Atlanta.
Either move would mean having to start again from zero. Again. I have started from zero about four times already and I am getting somewhat tired. It could be age, it could be disenchantment. Hard to say. The fact of the matter is that wherever I go this time I hope I will be fine long enough to build a life. I don't want to see myself come March with all my bags packed looking for somewhere else to go. If I was once a nomad, I don't know if that's something I want to be anymore. At least not for a while.
I need a new adventure, one that's so much fun that I won't want it to end.
I had said that the only way I would go back to NY was if I got into my desired program. In fact, to make sure that I kept my eye on the ball, I didn't even apply to any other school (not that there were so many options but still). My plan B was that if NYU didn't work out, I would move elsewhere. I didn't know where to, all I knew was that my time in NY was up and that I wasn't going to push it. It had gotten too cold, too uptight, too expensive, etc...
Some of my goals in life include owning a home, having a dog and a child, leading a life where I can enjoy nature somehow, among other things and in NY I wasn't going to be able to do any of it under my terms. So I chose to go. I thought about moving south so I could remain close to my family. I've said before that I needed to live in a place where there is an international airport within 50 miles and somewhere that's at least conducive to being outside. The two cities that matched the description were Miami and Atlanta. People have also suggested some pretty great cities out west, but if I am going to go far I'd rather go to Europe.
With my sabbatical soon coming to an end, yesterday my mom started asking me where I am going to go, if I am even going to go (she wants me to stay). I still don't know. I already lived in Miami and hated it enough to leave but as I've gotten older I've learned to enjoy it. By the same token, I've never even been to Atlanta but I know that it's one of the top 10 fastest growing cities in America. There are huge reasons why I shouldn't move to Miami (HWMNBN) but I ask myself if someone like me would be able to survive Atlanta.
Either move would mean having to start again from zero. Again. I have started from zero about four times already and I am getting somewhat tired. It could be age, it could be disenchantment. Hard to say. The fact of the matter is that wherever I go this time I hope I will be fine long enough to build a life. I don't want to see myself come March with all my bags packed looking for somewhere else to go. If I was once a nomad, I don't know if that's something I want to be anymore. At least not for a while.
I need a new adventure, one that's so much fun that I won't want it to end.
all that pie made me want quiche...
"I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you. "
-I miss you by Incubus
Sunday, November 27, 2005
A girl I used to love...
Years and years ago I used to like Shakira a lot. I thought she was witty, I thought she had spunk. Then she got a boyfriend.
Some years ago I used to write for a particular magazine. The target marget for this publication was supossed to be urban, trendy, 20-something females. My Editor was this woman who had recently gotten married and for whatever reason she was under the impression that the goal of EVERY SINGLE 20something female in the face of humanity was to get a ring. Neeless to say that as a result of this particular viewpoint of hers she wasn't very popular among most of the staff. But as our publisher used to say: all good writing comes from what you experience, and her marriage had become the bulk of her experience. She single handedly drove the magazine from its #1 spot.
Shakira, before she did the cross over bit, used to write songs about things, she celebrated life, and she wrote about how love reflected itself in life. Now she reminds me of my editor. Listening to Laundry Service I couldn't help but feel like I was part of a relationship that wasn't my own and like I was seeing shots of the depersonalization of a woman who had succombed herself to love. In some ways it was nice, in others it was kinda gross and just like with any relationship, I hoped that the novelty of it would wear off and that she would go back to celebrating life.
Then came Fijacion Oral. I read the lyrics before I heard the CD and I was just like, "again?!?" Granted, I must admit that going back to Spanish was a plus because she is far more elequent in her native tongue; but I wonder if she hasn't experienced anything other than self serving wanna-kill-myself type love in the past 4 years. Since I've been in Santo Domingo I've heard most of the CD and the music didn't impress me enough to overlook the lyrics. I only like the song "NO"... It reminds me of someone I used to know...
Oral Fixation Volume 2 I haven't heard in its entirety but that's probably for the best...I first heard "Don't Bother" while watching the video and I couldn't help but remember some article I read a few weeks back on PerezHilton where she said something about how she would never be like Britney or something or other. Meanwhile, not a minute and a half into the video she is half naked humping the steeering wheel of a car. Nice one. Anyway, yeah...linguistically speaking, someone should let her know that "deception" is not the same thing as "decepción". Generally speaking, she used to be empowering...what happened to her?
Once upon a time I used to like Shakira...I hope some day I do again.
Some years ago I used to write for a particular magazine. The target marget for this publication was supossed to be urban, trendy, 20-something females. My Editor was this woman who had recently gotten married and for whatever reason she was under the impression that the goal of EVERY SINGLE 20something female in the face of humanity was to get a ring. Neeless to say that as a result of this particular viewpoint of hers she wasn't very popular among most of the staff. But as our publisher used to say: all good writing comes from what you experience, and her marriage had become the bulk of her experience. She single handedly drove the magazine from its #1 spot.
Shakira, before she did the cross over bit, used to write songs about things, she celebrated life, and she wrote about how love reflected itself in life. Now she reminds me of my editor. Listening to Laundry Service I couldn't help but feel like I was part of a relationship that wasn't my own and like I was seeing shots of the depersonalization of a woman who had succombed herself to love. In some ways it was nice, in others it was kinda gross and just like with any relationship, I hoped that the novelty of it would wear off and that she would go back to celebrating life.
Then came Fijacion Oral. I read the lyrics before I heard the CD and I was just like, "again?!?" Granted, I must admit that going back to Spanish was a plus because she is far more elequent in her native tongue; but I wonder if she hasn't experienced anything other than self serving wanna-kill-myself type love in the past 4 years. Since I've been in Santo Domingo I've heard most of the CD and the music didn't impress me enough to overlook the lyrics. I only like the song "NO"... It reminds me of someone I used to know...
Oral Fixation Volume 2 I haven't heard in its entirety but that's probably for the best...I first heard "Don't Bother" while watching the video and I couldn't help but remember some article I read a few weeks back on PerezHilton where she said something about how she would never be like Britney or something or other. Meanwhile, not a minute and a half into the video she is half naked humping the steeering wheel of a car. Nice one. Anyway, yeah...linguistically speaking, someone should let her know that "deception" is not the same thing as "decepción". Generally speaking, she used to be empowering...what happened to her?
Once upon a time I used to like Shakira...I hope some day I do again.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Wholesomely yours, Annush.
** This post is for all of those around me who care far more than they should.
I don't like to have to repeat myself too much. What's more, I don't like to have to justify myself to people because on the most part I really couldn't care less how people feel about the things I do. On the most part, people should find comfort in knowing that I would NEVER hurt anyone on purpose and that if I do something (stupid though it may be) it is because at least at that very moment it feels like the right thing to do. Since I have been here, people who are complately alien to me and my existance have felt like they had a say in my life and how I live.
Well I am sorry if the way I live MY life affects you in some way, color, shape or form; however, I don't intend to change for anyone else's benefit so rather than criticize what you don't understand just ask me the logic behind it. There is always reason behind my madness.
Here are the 6 most popular issues I've encountered this past month along with their explanation. I hope that will suffice.
1. Why are you a control freak?
I have learned that the things I can control usually turn out better than those that I can't; as a result, I try to control whatever I can and obsess over those I can't. It's a Virgo trait. I don't know why people act so surprised.
2. Why don't you gamble?
I don't like casinos. Never have. I think that gambling is stupid. No reason for me to even expand on this.
3. Why are you "anti-social"?
I am VERY sociable; however, there is a time and a place for everything. It's bad enough that here I see the same people at the gym, at the store, at the gas station and at the restaurants. I don't need to go see those same people in other locales.
4. Are you anorexic?
I AM NOT ANOREXIC. This one really pisses me off. I worked very hard to get to where I am now. So I am skinny...big deal! I am extremely healthy and that counts for something. Who cares if I don't meat, or rice, or fried food. That's part of my lifestyle not a deliberate choice I made when I sat down at your table!
5. Why are you such a prude?
My whole life I've been called many things but NEVER a prude. I don't drink every day of the week. So? My liver appareciates that. I don't do coke whenever I go out. So? God knows I have enough energy that I can totally do without. I don't go out every night. So? I like to be home every once in a while. I don't fuck every guy I meet. So? I am trying to avoid STDs.
6a. You are such a snob...
This one goes along with #4. I am not a snob. I like nice things, I like good things and I work to pay for my guilty pleasures. If you have an issue with what kind of food is in my fridge then don't go snooping in there. If there is something of mine you like, rather than talk behind my back about what a horrible person I am for owning the item in question, ask me if you can borrow it. Chances are I'll say okay. I don't waste money or resources, I am generous with what I have, and I try to keep a low profile. What else do you want from my life?
6b. Must you be such an intellectual snob?
I am neither an idiot nor an airhead. As such, I take pride in knowing that my direct circle of friends are people who share my intellectual curiosity as well as my appreciation of books, culture, travel, etc. I'll be nice to everyone, but don't expect me to surround myself with people who can't enrich my life in any way just because it will buy me brownie points in the sociability scale.
***************************************************
I'll write a happy post tomorrow.
I don't like to have to repeat myself too much. What's more, I don't like to have to justify myself to people because on the most part I really couldn't care less how people feel about the things I do. On the most part, people should find comfort in knowing that I would NEVER hurt anyone on purpose and that if I do something (stupid though it may be) it is because at least at that very moment it feels like the right thing to do. Since I have been here, people who are complately alien to me and my existance have felt like they had a say in my life and how I live.
Well I am sorry if the way I live MY life affects you in some way, color, shape or form; however, I don't intend to change for anyone else's benefit so rather than criticize what you don't understand just ask me the logic behind it. There is always reason behind my madness.
Here are the 6 most popular issues I've encountered this past month along with their explanation. I hope that will suffice.
1. Why are you a control freak?
I have learned that the things I can control usually turn out better than those that I can't; as a result, I try to control whatever I can and obsess over those I can't. It's a Virgo trait. I don't know why people act so surprised.
2. Why don't you gamble?
I don't like casinos. Never have. I think that gambling is stupid. No reason for me to even expand on this.
3. Why are you "anti-social"?
I am VERY sociable; however, there is a time and a place for everything. It's bad enough that here I see the same people at the gym, at the store, at the gas station and at the restaurants. I don't need to go see those same people in other locales.
4. Are you anorexic?
I AM NOT ANOREXIC. This one really pisses me off. I worked very hard to get to where I am now. So I am skinny...big deal! I am extremely healthy and that counts for something. Who cares if I don't meat, or rice, or fried food. That's part of my lifestyle not a deliberate choice I made when I sat down at your table!
5. Why are you such a prude?
My whole life I've been called many things but NEVER a prude. I don't drink every day of the week. So? My liver appareciates that. I don't do coke whenever I go out. So? God knows I have enough energy that I can totally do without. I don't go out every night. So? I like to be home every once in a while. I don't fuck every guy I meet. So? I am trying to avoid STDs.
6a. You are such a snob...
This one goes along with #4. I am not a snob. I like nice things, I like good things and I work to pay for my guilty pleasures. If you have an issue with what kind of food is in my fridge then don't go snooping in there. If there is something of mine you like, rather than talk behind my back about what a horrible person I am for owning the item in question, ask me if you can borrow it. Chances are I'll say okay. I don't waste money or resources, I am generous with what I have, and I try to keep a low profile. What else do you want from my life?
6b. Must you be such an intellectual snob?
I am neither an idiot nor an airhead. As such, I take pride in knowing that my direct circle of friends are people who share my intellectual curiosity as well as my appreciation of books, culture, travel, etc. I'll be nice to everyone, but don't expect me to surround myself with people who can't enrich my life in any way just because it will buy me brownie points in the sociability scale.
***************************************************
I'll write a happy post tomorrow.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Some things change, some stay the same...
A Year Ago: Annush-Bea-Yvette
Last night: Annush-Bea-Yvette Thursday, November 24, 2005
Gobble Gobble!
I hope y'all have a lot to be thankful for :)
My best wishes to you today and always!
xox-
annush
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
My friend :)
Dan is here! YAY!!!
I am so happy, I could cry. I hadn't seen Dan in something like 49 days and having him around has been just what I needed. Today is his 28th birthday (OLD!) and to celebrate (because we do celebrate everything) Ivan, Lili and I took him to Aura, a restaurant at the beach. We had a wonderful time there...it was such a perfect day!
On the way home, we introduced Dan to the world of pescado frito con yaniqueque. Obviously, he had never had that and was most amused by the stands in Boca Chica. That was comedy. I never would have imagined that I would see Dan eating that, and what's more, that i would be the one to take him. I really respect him for eating because not even I in all of my Dominicanness would actually eat that. EEK!Afterwards we had chocolate cake. No story there. We love chocolate.
The world seems really bright right now...Not too long ago, Kristhina was here and it was great to be with her because she is my oldest friend, a few days ago I was with Yvette in Miami all kinds of happy because I was with one of my all time favorite people (pics to come soon) and now I have Dan here!
I am a really lucky girl.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
focus and regrets...
I don't have very many regrets in my life. Sure, I have my fair share of things that I wish I could do over, but regrets per se, maybe a couple and for whatever reason being in Miami is a reminder of these things.
I am not sad. Really.
Yet last night, while smoking a cigarrette and amusing myself by myself looking at the people and the buildings around Collins Ave., and of course, in the general direction of where I felt I should have been, I couldn't help but feel angry (and sad)...maybe at myself, maybe at someone else, maybe even at the world.
Being here is hard for me because it's a reminder of a time in my life when I hated the person I was and who I was becoming. It's hard because last night while we (Yvette and I) were walking to the movie theatre I had to focus in walking forward so that I wouldn't look back-and I mean this literally.
Some of the best things in my life happened to me here but also some of the worst and though common sense tells me that moving here would be the best for me on a number of levels, I do have to wonder if I could handle anymore heartache. Would I survive it?
I came here Thursday to explore my options and try to do the right thing. Now I worry that maybe I've lost focus. Then I look in the general direction of where I shouldn't be looking and I feel broken, but somehow I feel like I am home. And it confuses me because I have never found comfort in being a massochist yet these days I've picked up some really fuckt up mantras.
Whatever happens I want to get past this stage in my life...I really do. But it's hard to let it go...
If there is one thing I regret in my life is this:
About a year and a half ago (June 2004) I was on my way here from NY to go to a friend's wedding. Everything having to do with the planning of that trip was difficult but out of loyalty, I stuck to it. The day of the flight, I went to the airport to find that the flight was delayed and 8 hours later it was cancelled. Again, out of loyalty I did everything in my power to get on the first flight out even if it wasn't to the right airport. It took almost 24 hours to make it from NY to Miami.
I wish I had followed the signs and never gotten on that flight...
PS- I saw Harry Potter. I highly recommend it. :)
I am not sad. Really.
Yet last night, while smoking a cigarrette and amusing myself by myself looking at the people and the buildings around Collins Ave., and of course, in the general direction of where I felt I should have been, I couldn't help but feel angry (and sad)...maybe at myself, maybe at someone else, maybe even at the world.
Being here is hard for me because it's a reminder of a time in my life when I hated the person I was and who I was becoming. It's hard because last night while we (Yvette and I) were walking to the movie theatre I had to focus in walking forward so that I wouldn't look back-and I mean this literally.
Some of the best things in my life happened to me here but also some of the worst and though common sense tells me that moving here would be the best for me on a number of levels, I do have to wonder if I could handle anymore heartache. Would I survive it?
I came here Thursday to explore my options and try to do the right thing. Now I worry that maybe I've lost focus. Then I look in the general direction of where I shouldn't be looking and I feel broken, but somehow I feel like I am home. And it confuses me because I have never found comfort in being a massochist yet these days I've picked up some really fuckt up mantras.
Whatever happens I want to get past this stage in my life...I really do. But it's hard to let it go...
If there is one thing I regret in my life is this:
About a year and a half ago (June 2004) I was on my way here from NY to go to a friend's wedding. Everything having to do with the planning of that trip was difficult but out of loyalty, I stuck to it. The day of the flight, I went to the airport to find that the flight was delayed and 8 hours later it was cancelled. Again, out of loyalty I did everything in my power to get on the first flight out even if it wasn't to the right airport. It took almost 24 hours to make it from NY to Miami.
I wish I had followed the signs and never gotten on that flight...
PS- I saw Harry Potter. I highly recommend it. :)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Off to Miami I go...AGAIN.
"Enjoy Miami, Don't get laid! I can't believe that I just said that to someone... it almost seems sacrilegious."
- My BEST friend
Everyone just cross your fingers for me...I really want this to work out...the job people. the job.
...but should anything else work out, I wouldn't be pissed ;)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
but I do wanna' leave!!!!
Today I was supossed to go away. I've been trying to go on a well deserved vacation since last week but there is always something. Anyway, as a last resort, I decided to go back to NY today just to kinda clear my had for a few days and then return with Dan, who is coming to visit next week.
Well, on a weird twist of fate early last night my trip to NY became a trip to Miami.
In preparations for the end of my sabbatical, which has extended far more than absolutely necessery, I have started looking for a new job in a different place. NY doesn't do it for me anymore. I have submitted my resume to a handful of places throughout the East Coast and have been patiently awaiting responses.
Yesterday I received two interview requests from two leading agencies in my field both located in Miami. Needless to say, I am in such a rush to get out of here again that I sent my NY trip to hell and scheduled both interviews for this week.
Apparently though, the Gods don't seem to think that I should be going to Miami today.
After I scheduled the interviews, I spoke to my mom and told her that I would be going to Miami instead of NY. She gets all bent out of shape but in the end all she asks of me is to behave with "grace and dignity" (translation: stay away from HWMNBN). Fine. (I did cross my fingers though). Then, I spoke to an old friend about staying at her place for a couple of days. That worked out until about 11pm when something else happened. Fine. For some reason I kinda saw that coming so rather than dwell on it, I booked a hotel (eventhough I hate hotels). Then it ocurred to me that HWMNBN could be extremely helpful in regards to something I had to do today. So I called him. On a sidenote, let me just say that I hate T-Mobile for letting people choose whether their callers will hear music or ringing tones. That just aggravates me. Anyway, so I called him and after a whole minute of listening to "Burning Down the House", he answers the phone and explains that he couldn't talk to me right then because of blablablablabla that he would call me back later. That was pointless. So I decided to take care of it myself and after hours (more like 20 minutes) of research and stuff, when I am about to print out the info, my printer jammed and refused to be functional again. So onto handwriting.
Shortly thereafter I accidentally drowned my cell phone WITH ALL MY NUMBERS in wine (it's now dead), Bianca spilled red wine all over my new shirt, Lilly had to be taken to the hospital (she is fine now), another one of my nails caught on fire (I'm really going to have to quit smoking), and today I woke up at 5am to pack and leave and stuff, and I woke up not feeling well, then I couldn't find my sunglasses (can't leave the house without sunglasses), and I puked the entire way from home to the airport (and then back because I couldn't leave in such a condition).
So I don't think these interviews are going to happen...But I need to get out of here!
I insist. Someone should just come shoot me.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Goodbye my lover by James Blunt
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Friday, November 11, 2005
mental health
Since the election last weekend things at home have been hectic. It seems like now that mom is here in santo Domingo taking care of business, all we do is eat, breathe, and sleep politics. I think that any desire that I may have had a week ago to help her out (or even be around her) has been slowly but surely drained out of my system.I have been so stressed out that two days ago I flipped out and started screaming, and since that didn't do me any good, yesterday I went running. I ran until my knees were wobbly and the muscles in my legs burnt. That kinda helped. I ran until I was too tired to think.
But of course, for that I got bitched at.
My whole life I've found physical activity therapeutic. I wholeheartedly believe that naturally released endorphins are MOST OF THE TIME far more effective in helping you keep your sanity than the Prozacs and Zolofts and Lithiums of the world. In no way do I criticize people who need these drugs to remain normal; but for me, this is not the way to go.
Growing up I was always encouraged to do sports and work out. For me it was fun, and my mom thought that it was a good tool to control my weight since dieting during my teens was out of the question. It never made me skinny but it kept me healthy.
During my second year of college, when my mom moved here, I came with her. For the two years I was here, I was in a bad mood. For those two years, I had a job, went to school and worked out 3 hours a day. I was not skinny but I was healthy AND sane.
A lot has happened since then. I have lived in 4 different cities, had 5 different jobs, learned how to cook, found the joy in running, but I've also grown thin. Too thin according to most people. Yesterday I went to the gym to run my issues away and I got bitched at.
"you went running?!?!? why can't you stay home eating ice cream and watching TV like most normal depressed people?!?!? are you suicidal??"
Suicidal. I thought that was funny. I can't imagine myself running myself to death. If I was really suicidal I could think of a couple of more practical ways of killing myself, but whatever. I kinda see what they are saying because I have lost about 7 pounds since I've been here and am officially in the "underweight" section of the chart; but how can I trade my endorphins for ice cream?
Plus I don't even feel that skinny. I mean, I know that I am noticeably thinner than most of the chicks here because of what I like to call the "tits and ass factor" but back in NY, at least in my neighborhood, I blend in just fine and would probably continue to blend in if I were to lose another 10 pounds...Which I am not trying to loose...just like I didn't try to loose the other 7.
People stress me out. Off to run I go.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The road not taken?
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Third world democracy.
Most of the people who know me know that the main reason why I am spending my sabbatical in Santo Domingo is so I can help my mom with her political campaign. My mom is running for Senator and for better or for worse I know a thing or two about political campaigns, albeit in the US (I've worked on the campaigns of a few NY elected officials), but still. It was only natural that I should come and help her out.
I must admit that in the 43 days that I've been here I haven't really done as much as I should have but I don't feel too bad about that because all in all things were running quite smoothly and like they say, if it ain't broken don't fix it.
This weekend my brothers and I head up to Monte Cristi, her province, for the primaries of her party (PRD) which took place this past Sunday. The last day for campaigning was Friday and up until that point things were going great. Looking at the numbers of the different polls as well as the turnout on all the events leading up to the primaries, her victory over the other guy-the current Senator- was guaranteed.
All of Saturday, while we were working with our delegates and getting our different teams together I was certain that everything was going to be great. Jesus, the campaign manager, kept telling me that we had to keep our eyes open for fraud, for sell-out delegates and for attacks of any sort because the guy is insane (apparently he has quite a track record of shadey activities); but I thought they were being overly cautious when perhaps experience (I come from a long line of public servants) should have thought me that democracy in the Dominican Republic is on the most part flawed, corrupt and violent.
On Sunday we woke up early and got our team together so we could take mom to vote and so we could then go visit all the different voting centers in the province. The turnout was amazing. There were so many people out that one would have thought that rather than a one party primary that was a general election. When people saw my mom the crowds went wild. People were chanting her name, wanting to touch her and hug her. It was a beautiful sight. If I was sure the night before that victory was in the bag, Sunday morning I was certain that she was going to be the candidate.
But things got sketchy.
Towards the end of our tour somewhere around 3:00pm we drove into one of the different municipalities, Villa Vasquez, and managed to find part of the team of Senador Alemán, which included his wife.
Let me just say that I never thought that I was going to have guns pointed in my general direction and that I was going to have to take a crash course on how to shoot a shotgun. Those motherfuckers (for lack of a better word) approached us, almost crashed into one of our vehicles and decided that it would be entertaining to have a car full of people pointing their guns at us.
After a while they decided that it would be more fun if they just followed us around so they got out of the way and tailed us around until we got back to the actual city of Monte Cristi where for safety, we stopped at my grandfather's place. We were there for about an hour. Ivan and I stayed behind with mom while Gus took all of our security people down to vote. When we were about to leave, we heard what sounded like fireworks.
My mom being the sweet naive person she is was all like "Awwwwww we should have gotten fireworks too" meanwhile everyone is about to have a heart attack because two seconds later Gus calls to say that the fireworks are really gun fire and that he is pretty much where the action is.
The amount of time that it took Gus to get back to where we were was probably the longest 10 minutes of my life. As if it wasn't hard enough to have to see them both (Ivan and Gus) carrying guns, it was much worse to imagine them having to use them. I thought I was going to die and then worse, I thought he was going to die.
After he came back, one of our body guards drove us to our house in a flash. We went in, and locked the gate. Some of our security people were there and once again all the guns were out in the event of an eventuality.
We sat down in the courtyard, grabbed some snacks and waited for the bulletins to start coming...
The first couple of reports were very positive. Mom won, Senator lost. Then shit literally hit the fan. The gun fire we heard was the Senator's people trying to steal the urns where the ballots were kept. On the other line we had someone telling us that every single urn in the municipality of Castañuelas had been stolen at gun point and then burnt and thrown in the river by Moreno Arias, one of the candidates, and the Senator's Brother. There was a woman (one of the delegates) taken to the hospital as a result of 4 broken ribs caused by one of the Senator's guys hitting her with the back of a shotgun.
Some of our delegates were taken out of the counting rooms by gun point, people were being terrorized while they were voting, the voters' registries were tampered with, cédulas (national ID cards) were stolen, and Senator Alemán himself went into a voting center flipped out and broke the table and the door and God knows what else.
Yesterday morning, the son of a bitch had the nerve to go on the radio to say that he had won the election.
Needless to say I was furious. My mom was furious. The province was furious.
I, for one, got to work. I called all my friends in the press and sent out a press release. My mom and her political buddies got together and started the process to get Senator Aleman in trouble (the party supossedly sanctions such behavior) and to contest the election.
What has happened so far?
Well, for one, the press hasn't covered anything. The irregularities in 3 of the other provinces were covered by the press; however, since an actual Senator is involved in this one they won't say anything.
Right now the party is "investigating" what happened. Investigating. Someone will get paid off and that will probably be the end of that. They'll try to pretend it never happened most likely.
So much for democracy. So much for the will of the masses.
Y despues se preguntan por que este pais no hecha para alante!
I hate this fucking place.
I must admit that in the 43 days that I've been here I haven't really done as much as I should have but I don't feel too bad about that because all in all things were running quite smoothly and like they say, if it ain't broken don't fix it.
This weekend my brothers and I head up to Monte Cristi, her province, for the primaries of her party (PRD) which took place this past Sunday. The last day for campaigning was Friday and up until that point things were going great. Looking at the numbers of the different polls as well as the turnout on all the events leading up to the primaries, her victory over the other guy-the current Senator- was guaranteed.
All of Saturday, while we were working with our delegates and getting our different teams together I was certain that everything was going to be great. Jesus, the campaign manager, kept telling me that we had to keep our eyes open for fraud, for sell-out delegates and for attacks of any sort because the guy is insane (apparently he has quite a track record of shadey activities); but I thought they were being overly cautious when perhaps experience (I come from a long line of public servants) should have thought me that democracy in the Dominican Republic is on the most part flawed, corrupt and violent.
On Sunday we woke up early and got our team together so we could take mom to vote and so we could then go visit all the different voting centers in the province. The turnout was amazing. There were so many people out that one would have thought that rather than a one party primary that was a general election. When people saw my mom the crowds went wild. People were chanting her name, wanting to touch her and hug her. It was a beautiful sight. If I was sure the night before that victory was in the bag, Sunday morning I was certain that she was going to be the candidate.
But things got sketchy.
Towards the end of our tour somewhere around 3:00pm we drove into one of the different municipalities, Villa Vasquez, and managed to find part of the team of Senador Alemán, which included his wife.
Let me just say that I never thought that I was going to have guns pointed in my general direction and that I was going to have to take a crash course on how to shoot a shotgun. Those motherfuckers (for lack of a better word) approached us, almost crashed into one of our vehicles and decided that it would be entertaining to have a car full of people pointing their guns at us.
After a while they decided that it would be more fun if they just followed us around so they got out of the way and tailed us around until we got back to the actual city of Monte Cristi where for safety, we stopped at my grandfather's place. We were there for about an hour. Ivan and I stayed behind with mom while Gus took all of our security people down to vote. When we were about to leave, we heard what sounded like fireworks.
My mom being the sweet naive person she is was all like "Awwwwww we should have gotten fireworks too" meanwhile everyone is about to have a heart attack because two seconds later Gus calls to say that the fireworks are really gun fire and that he is pretty much where the action is.
The amount of time that it took Gus to get back to where we were was probably the longest 10 minutes of my life. As if it wasn't hard enough to have to see them both (Ivan and Gus) carrying guns, it was much worse to imagine them having to use them. I thought I was going to die and then worse, I thought he was going to die.
After he came back, one of our body guards drove us to our house in a flash. We went in, and locked the gate. Some of our security people were there and once again all the guns were out in the event of an eventuality.
We sat down in the courtyard, grabbed some snacks and waited for the bulletins to start coming...
The first couple of reports were very positive. Mom won, Senator lost. Then shit literally hit the fan. The gun fire we heard was the Senator's people trying to steal the urns where the ballots were kept. On the other line we had someone telling us that every single urn in the municipality of Castañuelas had been stolen at gun point and then burnt and thrown in the river by Moreno Arias, one of the candidates, and the Senator's Brother. There was a woman (one of the delegates) taken to the hospital as a result of 4 broken ribs caused by one of the Senator's guys hitting her with the back of a shotgun.
Some of our delegates were taken out of the counting rooms by gun point, people were being terrorized while they were voting, the voters' registries were tampered with, cédulas (national ID cards) were stolen, and Senator Alemán himself went into a voting center flipped out and broke the table and the door and God knows what else.
Yesterday morning, the son of a bitch had the nerve to go on the radio to say that he had won the election.
Needless to say I was furious. My mom was furious. The province was furious.
I, for one, got to work. I called all my friends in the press and sent out a press release. My mom and her political buddies got together and started the process to get Senator Aleman in trouble (the party supossedly sanctions such behavior) and to contest the election.
What has happened so far?
Well, for one, the press hasn't covered anything. The irregularities in 3 of the other provinces were covered by the press; however, since an actual Senator is involved in this one they won't say anything.
Right now the party is "investigating" what happened. Investigating. Someone will get paid off and that will probably be the end of that. They'll try to pretend it never happened most likely.
So much for democracy. So much for the will of the masses.
Y despues se preguntan por que este pais no hecha para alante!
I hate this fucking place.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
everything happens for a reason.
Sunday night, in an unexpected twist of fate at Yvette's urging, Sarah and I felt the urge to go have some chicken rolls at Pat'e Palo. So we went. We asked for a table inside because the humidity was just terrible and next thing I know we were sitting on the table next to HWMNBN.
As you can probably imagine, I almost died right then and there. My heart was about to shoot out of my chest and as much as I wanted to think that 5 months after the incident and 4 months after the talk I was over him, I was not.
But I had a moment of clarity and the only thing that seemed to make sense at the moment given the circumstances was to be a normal human being and go say hello. I mean, we agreed to not be together but we did agree that we'd be friends so saying hello though it seemed like a monumental gesture was really the least I could do.
So I got up, took a huge gulp of water, a drag of my cigarrette, and walked the 5 steps over in the general direction of his table. I tapped his shooulder, said excuse me and then hello. He got up and hugged me. I don't know how long that hug lasted but considering how everyone in his party kept staring at me I would guess it was probably a little longer than necessary. It was affectionate and it was good.
He introduced me to his entire family, who apparently all knew who I was, and then asked me to join him outside to talk for a few minutes. I forgot all about Sarah who was sitting 5 steps away and we went outside and talked.
"when I got on the plane on Friday, I had the feeling that I was going to run into you..." he said.
"this is so weird..." I said.
"this is not weird, it is simply unexpected..." he said "...and you look really good".
The conversation went something like that with a few mentions of Hurricanes and postcards. I don't know how long we were out there, but for me time had stood still.
After a while we remembered everyone and went back in. As we were walking in, his family was walking out and I don't know exactely what happened but next thing I knew his family was gone and he was asking us if he could join us while we ate.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. I didn't want to make any sudden movements because I was convinced that I was dreaming and I really didn't want to wake up. That moment was just THAT good and I didn't want it to end even though I felt like a traitor because there he was, probably just being a good friend and I was like a lovesick puppy.
But we had a wonderful time. When the time came to leave, he asked me if we had any other plans for the night, to which I said no. I told him that we were coming back to my place and that he was more than welcome to join us for a few more drinks.
We sat by the pool for hours just looking at the stars and catching up. We talked about all the decisions I need to make in the near future, about books, about music, about his projects. For hours we sat there and it was perfect. It felt as good as it always was and as much as I was enjoying the moment as it was (though deep down I really just wanted to make-out but I wasn't going to be the one to break our "friendship deal"), I couldn't help but think that it would soon be over.
At 5am he said that he had to go home. At 5:01am HE kissed ME. At 5:02am I was in trouble.
"No matter what we do or how many talks we have, we are always going to end up like this..." he said.
Monday night he called me and we talked for a little while. I hadn't slept at all since Saturday night so I was exhausted. We didn't see each other then. He went home Tuesday morning.
I don't know what is going to happen after this. He said that he's coming back Thanksgiving week. We talked about seeing each other then. This is the man who broke my heart and yet the possibility of having him in my life again gives my life meaning and hope.
There is a lot I don't know and even more that I don't want to know. I do know that against my better judgement I love him. I do know that all is fair in love and war...
As you can probably imagine, I almost died right then and there. My heart was about to shoot out of my chest and as much as I wanted to think that 5 months after the incident and 4 months after the talk I was over him, I was not.
But I had a moment of clarity and the only thing that seemed to make sense at the moment given the circumstances was to be a normal human being and go say hello. I mean, we agreed to not be together but we did agree that we'd be friends so saying hello though it seemed like a monumental gesture was really the least I could do.
So I got up, took a huge gulp of water, a drag of my cigarrette, and walked the 5 steps over in the general direction of his table. I tapped his shooulder, said excuse me and then hello. He got up and hugged me. I don't know how long that hug lasted but considering how everyone in his party kept staring at me I would guess it was probably a little longer than necessary. It was affectionate and it was good.
He introduced me to his entire family, who apparently all knew who I was, and then asked me to join him outside to talk for a few minutes. I forgot all about Sarah who was sitting 5 steps away and we went outside and talked.
"when I got on the plane on Friday, I had the feeling that I was going to run into you..." he said.
"this is so weird..." I said.
"this is not weird, it is simply unexpected..." he said "...and you look really good".
The conversation went something like that with a few mentions of Hurricanes and postcards. I don't know how long we were out there, but for me time had stood still.
After a while we remembered everyone and went back in. As we were walking in, his family was walking out and I don't know exactely what happened but next thing I knew his family was gone and he was asking us if he could join us while we ate.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. I didn't want to make any sudden movements because I was convinced that I was dreaming and I really didn't want to wake up. That moment was just THAT good and I didn't want it to end even though I felt like a traitor because there he was, probably just being a good friend and I was like a lovesick puppy.
But we had a wonderful time. When the time came to leave, he asked me if we had any other plans for the night, to which I said no. I told him that we were coming back to my place and that he was more than welcome to join us for a few more drinks.
We sat by the pool for hours just looking at the stars and catching up. We talked about all the decisions I need to make in the near future, about books, about music, about his projects. For hours we sat there and it was perfect. It felt as good as it always was and as much as I was enjoying the moment as it was (though deep down I really just wanted to make-out but I wasn't going to be the one to break our "friendship deal"), I couldn't help but think that it would soon be over.
At 5am he said that he had to go home. At 5:01am HE kissed ME. At 5:02am I was in trouble.
"No matter what we do or how many talks we have, we are always going to end up like this..." he said.
Monday night he called me and we talked for a little while. I hadn't slept at all since Saturday night so I was exhausted. We didn't see each other then. He went home Tuesday morning.
I don't know what is going to happen after this. He said that he's coming back Thanksgiving week. We talked about seeing each other then. This is the man who broke my heart and yet the possibility of having him in my life again gives my life meaning and hope.
There is a lot I don't know and even more that I don't want to know. I do know that against my better judgement I love him. I do know that all is fair in love and war...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Once my flame and twice my burn...
So, darlin’, I just wanna say.
Just in case I don’t come through.
I was on to every play.
I just wanted you.
But, oh, it’s so evil, my love,
The way you’ve no reverence to my concern.
Just in case I don’t come through.
I was on to every play.
I just wanted you.
But, oh, it’s so evil, my love,
The way you’ve no reverence to my concern.
-Fiona Apple. Shadowboxer
I took 3 steps forward and 15 steps back.
I ran into HWMNBN last night.
I am so weak.
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